Scientific study: real vampires don't want to be stereotyped

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Just reassure them that you’re a member of the Überwald League of Temperance, wear the armband, and repeat: “not one drop”! That should reassure the normals.


They also don’t want to talk to sane people, who will laugh at them.


Ring! Ring!

“Hello, Health & Wellness Clinic & Counselling, how can we help you?”

  • “Hello, I’m concerned about my mental well-being, I think I need counselling or therapy maybe?”

“Would you like to schedule an interview now for later this week? If you need immediate assistance I can refer you to the local hospital.”

  • “I don’t like the local hospital, greedy filching place, hoarders really…”

“If it isn’t an immediate emergency I can make an appointment for you to visit our clinic”

  • “I’d like that… but I don’t want to be judged…”

“That isn’t our practice here, we understand, all people in all walks of life face problems, many of which they would rather not talk about… we can help.”

  • “Well, it’s just I’ve heard the likes of that before and it didn’t work out…you see…”


  • “I’m a vampyre.”

“Yes? A vampire? That’s alright. We have therapists trained to help you.”

  • “No, you see, I’m a practicing vampire…like, …really. People don’t understand, these aren’t victims if they’re food.”

“I assure you we have trained staff ready to assist you to help you feel better about your bloodlust. It’s perfectly natural. Would you like to come in now?”

  • “Yes… yes I would. The screams don’t bother me, it’s that I feel no matter how long I live I’m not really accomplishing…”

“That’s alright, you should tell the therapist not me, when can we expect you?”

  • “About 15 minutes?”


  • “Akasha”

“Okay, we’ll see you soon then, use the North entrance.”

  • “Thanks!” (click)



Some people are just weird, right? I mean, not like us. We’re weird in a cool way. We make shit in our garages and have an obsession with 3D printing. But some people are weird in icky, strange ways. Like, mentally ill. Ugh. So gross. We’re not mentally ill, that’s for sure. Hey, you know what, let’s show that we’re not mentally ill by laughing at people who are! How can you tell if someone’s mentally ill? Oh, that’s easy. They don’t believe the things we do, or they believe strange things, or they – you know, they’re not like us. They dress funny. No, not like that: goggles are okay, and so are top hats. I mean, like – not like us. You know. Ha! Those people. Right? People like us laugh at people like that.



Get your point, but you do have to admit that the other side of this coin, the “woo” practitioners get a pretty sound thrashing here as well. If you can’t show that a) this magical “energy” exists at all and b) that you truly need it for sustenance, then well… Hate to say it, but that’s kind of definitive for being delusional.

If you want to say “I’ve got a blood fetish” or “yeah, I realize that I’m not truly a vampire, but I really like the aesthetic”, then whatever. What do I care as long as you’re not harming others to get your blood.


Man I think if this is where we’re going I finally found the part of my life where I get off the super liberal friendly bus and start staring at the rest of the people still riding it, mouthing the words “what the fuck” silently as it drives of to a world where PEOPLE BEING VAMPIRES IS LITERALLY NOT JUST SOME LEVEL OF MENTAL ILLNESS.

I prefer to think of it as “alternative understanding”.

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The paper is about health professionals being non-judgemental with people who -are delusional- in order to better these people’s access to care.

The articles about the paper fell into the honey-trap it set for clinicians.

The paper could have been drier and studied persons with generalized delusions instead of being specific, or used general terms for this delusion instead of highlighting vampirism… but who would want to read that?

It’s click-bait technology employed for that specific purpose, built within a study. That’s all.

If someone is being harmed by their hobbies of making shit in the garage or 3D printing becoming an obsession then the lesson learned in the paper for the clinicians applies equally.

BTW, yes, actual delusions are frequently a source of acceptable humour, the people affected by them are not.

Pretty much every comedy sketch has something of this in the formula if you look. Tragic outcome following misunderstanding and/or delusion = comedy alot

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This paper is an episode of The Originals just waiting to happen.

I just find the general norm policing of Boing Boing and many other places that supposedly welcome the “weird” to be a bit ironic. I remember high school gym classes that were more accepting of difference than some of the things I’ve seen on Boing Boing.

I’m a little oversensitive to it, though, having run up against the sorts of problems this article lays out, although not because I think I’m a vampire (I don’t). I have an uncommon religion. I was nearly treated for my religion instead of my depression, but fortunately I dropped that therapist and found one who wasn’t a goddamned idiot. All better! And I still have my weird, quirky, tiny religion, thank you very much, and I enjoy it tremendously, even if it is a “delusion.”


Then you benefit from papers this clever if clinicians read them. It’s nifty. I pointed out how it’s click-bait influenced but there’s greater nuance in that too.

Sure, the title/summary grabs them, but how it grabs them is integral to it’s total effect.

A person perusing for reading material to advance or enhance their aptitude in care delivery stumbles across this. Their first thought is very likely going to be along the lines of “Some idiot believes there are vampires and wrote a…” or some variant thereof. The Honey, everyone likes to laugh/gloat/watch a fail.

Then they read the body and get the point. If they are on their game and absorbing the info in an introspective manner they get a pleasant+unpleasant shock. The click-bait trap invoked in the reader the very bias it encourages the reader to recognize and work against in their care delivery. They aren’t so smart after all, but they can get smarter.

Personally I’m glad they went with vampires instead of zombies. Soooo sick of zombies.

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