Selective mutism explained by someone who experienced it as a child

Maybe Hagerstown is different from Germantown, I dunno.

By income? Sure. But I lived all over the state, and “backward” meant “stupid” and/or “ignorant” every time.

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I’ve never heard backward used to mean shy, but several online dictionaries seem to have the definition. It seems more synonymous with bashful in particular in this usage.

I wonder if it’s something older that’s been falling out of use.

When my shy daughter went to preschool as a 2.5 year old, after a few months the director, a very very capable woman, took us aside and said she was having problems socializing, and we needed to really step up. It was definitely hard making playdates for a child that said she didn’t want them, but it bore fruit. She’s now 15, and has had many close friends, more in fact than her gregarious, talkative older brother.

But she’s still tough sometimes even though she was an often flamboyant toddler like your daughter, and you can’t give in. Back perhaps maybe 5 or 6, my wife made clear to her that if someone gave her a gift and she didn’t look that person in the eyes and say “thank you” clearly, she would not be keeping it. It’s partially a teen thing, but getting her to talk even to us can still be tough, and when she does she’s often inaudible. Its an art form to find a subject that interests her and then she’ll engage. But she is not shy talking with her friends, and she’s a gifted writer.

The problem with “letting her be her” is that the world rewards social engagement. My son has charmed adults since he could talk, and it has worked well for people liking him and doing things for him. He’s 18, and met a adult woman rock climbing on a visit to Marin CA, they kept in touch and she met him to climb in Red Rocks NV over New Years. He met a Bard Professor climbing at the Gunks who let him crash in his home, he had a climbing mentor in his late 30’s who went out of his way for him many times. I could go on and on, but this is the reality of the world. It’s a much harder life for someone who mumbles and looks at her shoes.

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I think withdrawnness does a couple things. First, it might not be a bad thing. It can keep the world smaller, more lightweight, easier to deal with. I mean, do you really want people’s bullshit coming at you 24/7? I don’t. The other thing is that it varies over time. I go through phases. Sometimes, I am more outgoing. Sometimes, totally unwilling to leave the house for days. I think you could consider the possibility that you are not broken in any way whatsoever.

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Your number may well be correct if you are measuring the life expectancy of an infant diagnosed with the disease in 2018. You are 100% correct that my number was a bit out of date. It’s been a decade or so since my professional or personal life focused on this disease. The CF Foundation measures life expectancy at 37 years for adults in the US with Cystic Fibrosis.

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