So, you want to be a fossil


Quick mis-read of that and I saw “Start with foregoing the coffee”

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Really, I much rather be cryopreserved than end up as a fossil!

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Not that. Never that.

Fossil? Nah, it’s bog mummy for me all the way.


“Remember: a scary skeleton is a safe skeleton.”-Jack Handey


I would thing a little visit to La Brea or some other tarpit would help.

Not all is known about fossilization, and less is realized. E.R. Milton describes his examination of a petrified tree trunk in Alberta, Canada. From The Lately Tortured Earth, Ch.26: Fossil Deposits - Part 6 Biospherics:

The piece … was pure clear silica inside, it was coated with a
rougher opaque crust of partially fused sand. The tree whose stump was
petrified was alive five years ago! After the tree was cut down to
accommodate the right of way for a new power transmission line, an
accidental break allowed the live high-voltage wire to contact several
tree stumps still in the ground. The power was cut off within hours of
the break. All of the tree roots which contacted the broken wire were
fossilized … Obviously, electricity can metamorphose matter quickly.

It doesn’t appear that the experiments required to either support or refute the anecdote have actually been funded. It’s not exactly an idea that would even occur to a lot of scientists to check. It would also be interesting – if such an experiment were done – to submit the sample for dating.

Alaric the Goth, the king who gave the city of Rome its death knell as imperial capital, was buried under a riverbed whose river was temporarily diverted.

So these guidelines are verifiable now.

“Behold: even death itself shall not erase my carbon footprint!”


This does suggest an interesting service industry. Coffins guaranteed to fossilize you quickly and thoroughly. A few million for eternal preservation is not a bad bargain. I’m taking orders now.

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