StarFOX News

Would it be considered trolling to semi-seriously link trolls to this thread?

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“Look! Evidence that not all of BoingBoing is tebid Marxist Chinese Communist cuckolding libtards solely focused on utterly destroying the United States and its supreme ruler, blessed be his soul, Fuckface Von Clownstick!”

Hm, maybe the Marxist part would confuse them, how about “Chinese Communist cuckolding” instead?

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Oh, look at all these lovely pageviews.

And I didn’t even print the bio on the sentient mechanical banana yet!

Just look at it!

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P=NP

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Am I the only one who read that with the voice of Matt Patt.

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Mod note: This got flagged to oblivion. I figure it’s ironic and unflagged it, but… you know

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If @OtherMichael and @popobawa4u can’t keep control of their children…

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EDIT: I have absolutely no idea how a grammar question offended some of y’all.

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##Starblog: Week 1

Hello, my little anchovies. I’ve several updates I’ve been meaning to blog, just for you, my readers.

##The Case of the Mondays
Well, we all lnew this was going to happen, as it always does curiously when we push send on what appear to be dubious alternative facts. Although even I am impressed with myself more than usual that my reportage was so deftly flipped out the gate. This was quicker than me getting kicked in the tail that time on STLLR. Remember that, yuk yuk.

For those of you who blinked it and missed it, the StarFOX insider blog was the target of a DDOS (distributed denial of speech) attack shortly after the initial publishing. But, thanks to our wonderful network of affiliate partners, we’ve resumed broadcasting.

Those responsible for suppressing official propaganda have not yet been identified. But, here’s the interesting bit - it’ didn’t come from the ship-mates. No doubt, from the things I’ve learned this week, some of them would if they knew (more on that in a bit), but they couldn’t have. I was watching them all fiddle with this Kassandra system - it couldn’t have been them. That’s what I do, as a reporter, I watch people, and then form opinions. So, pretty certain it wasn’t them. Period.

Who are these mysterious star-gawkers then, exercising their extra-Charbydian influence? And what nefarious interests to they have in squelching this sealio? Have I, inadvertently, discovered a hideout of Central Scruitinizers lurking amongst the Scylla Debris? Time will tell.

In the meantime, I enjoy the fruits of the extra readership. I don’t mean to brag, but this extra traffic has boosted my humble blog into THE MOST POPULAR BLOG OF THE COLERIDGE. OF ALL TIME. And, since we’re talking about my aethernet ratings, don’t forget this week’s deal in the Star Social Store: ANCHOVIES!. Remember, I get 2 jars for every 1 you order, and I have a list of who’s been ordering.

#Crew? Or Collective?
Let’s take a break from talking about this unwanted spotlight thrust upon me in order to return to the primary subject of this investigative series, the crew. As expected, it didn’t take long for these salvage workers to start socializing. Laughing and talking and drinking at the bar, which is, I’m telling you, A MESS. As we know, social behavior quickly leads to cooperation. They’re giving each other pointers, tips, advice on how to best survive. And then, it happened.

Are you sitting down?

I witnessed the unregulated intersentient exchange of Juice (Ʉ). Not a contract in sight, let alone any of the conventions required by proper Intergalactic Finance Unizone Currency Transfer specifications. Remember when they told us that Space Banking would be reformed out in The Void?

#The Kicker

As if that wasn’t enough thrilling developments for one week, just last night I heard one of the space moose talking to one of the space lobsters about the Falkayn School of space mercantilism.

That’s right: I believe I’m in the company of falxists.

Gotta go. Need to pick a mission to keep suspicions down. Wish me luck!

//SEELO OUT

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#Starblog: Week 2

You know that saying, how everything gets quiet after snowfall? It’s amazing, how all these snowflakes get real quiet when there’s actual work to be done. Salvage!

###Meese Peace
In a surprising revelation, the moose have spontaneously turned inward and are taking care of each other. Kick off the sunday shoes. I might actually be able to work with these mammals.

###Quayle Eggs
Now we know the origin of poo-taters. Uhmmm, swipe left.

###Meta-Furries

Cats in fursuits. Speechless.

//SEELO OUT

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puts on headphones

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#YAAAAWN

Well, that was a good cat-nap. Feasting upon too much feline always makes me drowsy. I appear to have slept through something, but it doesn’t seem to have been important. The Rumplicant had assured me that he had things square, and of course he came through bigly.

Get this, this motley crue is now giving each other nicknames. How…adrollable. I wonder if they would like mine? Probably not, but you will, my dear readers. I know you will. Let me know which ones you love the most on solar-media.

  • Hieronymoose "Bosch" Warnsforth
  • Brian "Lifeov"
  • Mark "Repeat" Watney
  • Galacto "Roadkill" Hardenhoof
  • Coccinea "Nanbot" Ornatus
  • Dottie "Dash"
  • Theodore "Bigly Smalls" Rump
  • Ester "8/9"
  • Omicron "Scrappy-Doo" Nu Pi, PhD
  • Vi "Comrade" Locke
  • Tom "Thomadore" Ratchetcrank
  • Browf "Coatrack" Clamphoof
  • Quirky "Quirky" Kumquat
  • Tex "All-Hat" Ass
  • Spike "Prick" Greenarm
  • Hans "Bisque" Landau
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#is this where I confess?

Dear MicrosoftXboxLiveJournal,

I admit, these space meese (speece) have some charms about them. Some are apparently as uninterested as I am in all the labor involved in collecting salvage. I wonder if he’s an undercover journo too?

Ohh wait, he’s into skat too? skeet skeet!

Then there’s also this fab four-footer who gifted me a…ahem…zine fit for gentleaquatics. Which may not or may have! had the most racy no-nets-attached classified section. Where I may or may not have met a most interesting artiste`

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#INTRODUCING - POLITICAL CARTOONS!!! YAY !!!11

Hello, friends.

I was recently, introduced, to a most astounding, and profound, and…blessed political artist, who wants to his works to appear in StarFOX news.

Ladies and gentleaquatics, I bring to you, Tom the Dancing Seal:

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#Gossip

So, then the lizard says to the puggo:

Can you BELIEVE this come-on? I mean, for a serial-killing-cold-blooded-mecha-hearted-lizard-who-leaves-the-most-vulnerable-and-wonderful-life-forms(potatoes) -on-Mars–for-550-sols-with-THATGUY, you gotta admit this is a very tender-hearted flirt.

It was so saccharine, I eye-rolled harder than I EVER have. For once, I am not lying.

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Hey, my latest issue’s late!

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#AND NOW: A WORD FROM OUR PUBLUSHER

THIS BLOG HAS BEEN DESIGNATED FAKE NEWS.

SHUT IT DOWN.


OOC: @codinghorror close thread please.

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