StarFOX News


#1


Well hello there darlings: my fans, my readers, my stalkers. It’s the universe’s most beloved reporter, ME, back with another hot take before the heat death.

We’ve run the polls, conducted the focus groups, and the results clearly show the NEWS you want reported most: reality coverage of liberal Salvage Junk Workers (SJWs) scuttering about the lawless areas outside the starwalls and beyond the scope of stellar surveillance. Just what illegal activities to these SJWs get up to when they think they are out of earshot of ult-right thinking sentients? We’re going to find out. Together.

That’s right! I’ve clandestinely signed up for one of these salvage gigs, using all of my suave spy skills to convince these rubes that I’m just another poor forced into SJ work just because I wasn’t born fabulous. (I was, but I read a book on method acting as research for this assignment - because I’m so dedicated to my craft - and it’s totes going swell).

We’re about to get underweigh, and you should see the motley assortment. Of course we have a herd of SpaceMeese, variously discussing their allegiances to the Maple Flag Land or espousing anti-soviet bullwinkle. A dog AND a cat in the same confined space. So much for those workplace safety rules that they claimed were so important. Some familiar rapscallion lizard clutchlines. Some reds. A veggie, who will likely have some kind of triggered feels when I have my morning seaweed smoothie. And, of course, weirdest of all, humanoids. One into extreme body modification, one confirmed replicant, and then there’s this loon who’s still pissed that his Martian years were before the MAGMA intiative (Make Americans Great on Mars Again).

I’m not without friendly sights, though. There’s also a Rumplicant. I can’t tell now if it’s an official model (series 6 maybe?) or a DIY replicant made by a true believer at a makerspace, but at least there’s another voice of truth on this voyage.

They’re assembling to review the first mission now. Gotta go! Toodles!

/SEELO OUT


#2


#3

Congrats on being my first reader! Good thing you posted a jif, because I’m too smart to read comments!

/high flipper

I expect all further comments to be as wonderful. I reserve sarcasm for those on-the-ship, and never my readership.


#4

I haven’t been this confused since Lost.


#5


#6

I’m so untragically unhip.


#7

You sit around and look at stuff for long enough and you see some shit.


#8

Would it be considered trolling to semi-seriously link trolls to this thread?


#9

“Look! Evidence that not all of BoingBoing is tebid Marxist Chinese Communist cuckolding libtards solely focused on utterly destroying the United States and its supreme ruler, blessed be his soul, Fuckface Von Clownstick!”

Hm, maybe the Marxist part would confuse them, how about “Chinese Communist cuckolding” instead?


#10

Oh, look at all these lovely pageviews.

And I didn’t even print the bio on the sentient mechanical banana yet!

Just look at it!


#11

P=NP


#12

Am I the only one who read that with the voice of Matt Patt.


#13

Mod note: This got flagged to oblivion. I figure it’s ironic and unflagged it, but… you know


#14

If @OtherMichael and @popobawa4u can’t keep control of their children…


#15

EDIT: I have absolutely no idea how a grammar question offended some of y’all.


#16


#17


#18

##Starblog: Week 1

Hello, my little anchovies. I’ve several updates I’ve been meaning to blog, just for you, my readers.

##The Case of the Mondays
Well, we all lnew this was going to happen, as it always does curiously when we push send on what appear to be dubious alternative facts. Although even I am impressed with myself more than usual that my reportage was so deftly flipped out the gate. This was quicker than me getting kicked in the tail that time on STLLR. Remember that, yuk yuk.

For those of you who blinked it and missed it, the StarFOX insider blog was the target of a DDOS (distributed denial of speech) attack shortly after the initial publishing. But, thanks to our wonderful network of affiliate partners, we’ve resumed broadcasting.

Those responsible for suppressing official propaganda have not yet been identified. But, here’s the interesting bit - it’ didn’t come from the ship-mates. No doubt, from the things I’ve learned this week, some of them would if they knew (more on that in a bit), but they couldn’t have. I was watching them all fiddle with this Kassandra system - it couldn’t have been them. That’s what I do, as a reporter, I watch people, and then form opinions. So, pretty certain it wasn’t them. Period.

Who are these mysterious star-gawkers then, exercising their extra-Charbydian influence? And what nefarious interests to they have in squelching this sealio? Have I, inadvertently, discovered a hideout of Central Scruitinizers lurking amongst the Scylla Debris? Time will tell.

In the meantime, I enjoy the fruits of the extra readership. I don’t mean to brag, but this extra traffic has boosted my humble blog into THE MOST POPULAR BLOG OF THE COLERIDGE. OF ALL TIME. And, since we’re talking about my aethernet ratings, don’t forget this week’s deal in the Star Social Store: ANCHOVIES!. Remember, I get 2 jars for every 1 you order, and I have a list of who’s been ordering.

#Crew? Or Collective?
Let’s take a break from talking about this unwanted spotlight thrust upon me in order to return to the primary subject of this investigative series, the crew. As expected, it didn’t take long for these salvage workers to start socializing. Laughing and talking and drinking at the bar, which is, I’m telling you, A MESS. As we know, social behavior quickly leads to cooperation. They’re giving each other pointers, tips, advice on how to best survive. And then, it happened.

Are you sitting down?

I witnessed the unregulated intersentient exchange of Juice (Ʉ). Not a contract in sight, let alone any of the conventions required by proper Intergalactic Finance Unizone Currency Transfer specifications. Remember when they told us that Space Banking would be reformed out in The Void?

#The Kicker

As if that wasn’t enough thrilling developments for one week, just last night I heard one of the space moose talking to one of the space lobsters about the Falkayn School of space mercantilism.

That’s right: I believe I’m in the company of falxists.

Gotta go. Need to pick a mission to keep suspicions down. Wish me luck!

//SEELO OUT


#19

#Starblog: Week 2

You know that saying, how everything gets quiet after snowfall? It’s amazing, how all these snowflakes get real quiet when there’s actual work to be done. Salvage!

###Meese Peace
In a surprising revelation, the moose have spontaneously turned inward and are taking care of each other. Kick off the sunday shoes. I might actually be able to work with these mammals.

###Quayle Eggs
Now we know the origin of poo-taters. Uhmmm, swipe left.

###Meta-Furries

Cats in fursuits. Speechless.

//SEELO OUT


#20

puts on headphones