Well hello there darlings: my fans, my readers, my stalkers. It’s the universe’s most beloved reporter, ME, back with another hot take before the heat death.
We’ve run the polls, conducted the focus groups, and the results clearly show the NEWS you want reported most: reality coverage of liberal Salvage Junk Workers (SJWs) scuttering about the lawless areas outside the starwalls and beyond the scope of stellar surveillance. Just what illegal activities to these SJWs get up to when they think they are out of earshot of ult-right thinking sentients? We’re going to find out. Together.
That’s right! I’ve clandestinely signed up for one of these salvage gigs, using all of my suave spy skills to convince these rubes that I’m just another poor forced into SJ work just because I wasn’t born fabulous. (I was, but I read a book on method acting as research for this assignment - because I’m so dedicated to my craft - and it’s totes going swell).
We’re about to get underweigh, and you should see the motley assortment. Of course we have a herd of SpaceMeese, variously discussing their allegiances to the Maple Flag Land or espousing anti-soviet bullwinkle. A dog AND a cat in the same confined space. So much for those workplace safety rules that they claimed were so important. Some familiar rapscallion lizard clutchlines. Some reds. A veggie, who will likely have some kind of triggered feels when I have my morning seaweed smoothie. And, of course, weirdest of all, humanoids. One into extreme body modification, one confirmed replicant, and then there’s this loon who’s still pissed that his Martian years were before the MAGMA intiative (Make Americans Great on Mars Again).
I’m not without friendly sights, though. There’s also a Rumplicant. I can’t tell now if it’s an official model (series 6 maybe?) or a DIY replicant made by a true believer at a makerspace, but at least there’s another voice of truth on this voyage.
They’re assembling to review the first mission now. Gotta go! Toodles!
/SEELO OUT
