Badass Dragon Scavengers of the Void - Round 2 - Swan Song



I think we’ll have plenty of tasty eels to snack on…

-Hans Landau


Look, here’s what I know, at some point we’re going to be drifting over to this derelict ship through the dark, empty nothingness of space. I just want you to know that should we have to tether to each other for any reason or another, some of which I can’t even comprehend, I will not consider it a leash or any type of ownership over you, a sentient being in your own regard.

I have a number of improvised systems integrated into my suit that are quite helpful in survival situations, including a series of small lights to illuminate close spaces brightly, things like this may be of help as we join forces.

That said, who wants to be besties?!


Hopefully not “'til we die.”



There’s a rumor that some of my distant Terran cousins (many many times removed) were, shall we say, fond of restraints. Odd thing, that. Not to mention that whole spay/neuter bodymod subculture. What the ever-lovin’ hell… Never understood the appeal, but different strokes, right?

Well, let’s grab some grub and hammer out the details.


And know that if you ever suggest that we “go walkies”, you’ll get a taste of why I had to leave Canis Major.


You know, this one time, on Mars I took my own fecal matter and created soil to allow conditions to be perfected to grow potatoes. It was a hell of a feat of botany and creativity which showed how much people are truly capable of when pushed to the limits. A real inspiring story of overcoming odds, exceeding expectations, carving out your space in the universe and declaring that you will not go quietly into that good night!

What I’m saying is that I’ve pretty much met my lifetime limit of picking up fecal matter one way or another. We are not and never will be going on any walkies. In fact, just so the rest of you know, I’m not going on walkies with any of you. Clean up your own messes.

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“Oh? Does that explain this stain in my suit? …OMICRON!”


I believe these results are fraudulent and I intend to launch a full-scale investigation into the fake results. SAD!

(Sorry, I’ve been visiting my parents this week, and kind of ignored BB.)

Once again, I’m pretty much only qualified for one thing, but I’ll enhance my suit with a fancy LIDAR to improve my chances of choice variety in the next.

All you haters thought I’d never make it. I proved you wrong in a big, big way.

@Kassandra SUBMIT
BUY 1 Duct_Tape

  > iotrap.newliminted: 0x04cec867dd81856b5c2c77489219f246017c621b

“Roger that, newliminted - these orders have been submitted! You can overwrite these orders with a new submission.”

✖ buy 1 duct_tape
   [ERR] 1 does not appear to be in stock this round. :(
✖ buy 1 lidar
   [ERR] 1 does not appear to be in stock this round. :(
✔ mission 4


Hrm. I’m not doing very well with this Tweetomatic 9000. I usually just have one of my staff do the ordering.

@Kassandra SUBMIT
BUY Duct_Tape

  > iotrap.newliminted: 0x4b73ddae970f2517edaef66bf8057535969058e0

“Roger that, newliminted - these orders have been submitted! You can overwrite these orders with a new submission.”

✔ buy duct_tape
✔ buy lidar
✔ mission 4


What I’m hoping here is that you are asking for my help in detecting what made that brown fecal-matter-looking stain on your suit, and that you’re NOT blaming me for said stain. You’re NOT blaming me, are you?

Yeah, I thought not. SO lemme take a sniff… I detect the scent of… aquatic plants… tall prairie grasses… a hint of fresh shrubbery.

You know what you have there? I’ll give you a hint:


“From where I’m running, that looks like a standard GIF economy if you ask me.”


“You are the finest application for duct tape, if you ask me.”


Damn it. This Lidar interface will not mount to my suit. It has a USB Q plug and this suit has USB O- jack. Hopefully they’ll let me take it back.

And now that I look at it, there are a lot of folks looking to take on those Space eels. While I’ll miss out on the Glory, I guess I’ll see what else works for me…

Let’s see, since this damn Lidar wonk connect the Pop n Lock isn’t for me, but the Booster Pack would help my EVA out enough … I guess I’ll go scavenge the bridge.

@Kassandra SUBMIT
PAY 10 @Glutnix
BUY Booster_Jet

  > iotrap.wisconsinplatt: 0x2d9de48d4ac29ded0f3bf5fcff2475041ac0cd70

“Roger that, wisconsinplatt - these orders have been submitted! You can overwrite these orders with a new submission.”

✔ pay 10 @glutnix
✔ buy booster_jet
✔ mission 3


“I’ll be very glad to have your back taking on the robo-bridge,




Mission Update

As of Friday night,
4 scavengers have a test for eel (Mission 1),
NO scavengers have signed up to check out the airlocks (Mission 2)
5 scavengers will be dodging the defense system on the bridge (Mission 3)
3 scavengers want to play Amateur Scientist (Mission 4)

Tex Ass (@Donald_petersen), Dottie (@old), Coccinea M Ornatus (@othermichael), Ester (@penguin_chris) and Seelo Lionoppolis (@SeaLion) have yet to check in.

Does someone want to check my estimates for mission 2 – did I make a mistake? I would expect the missions to be pretty even – perhaps the item is more likely or more valuable than I realized?

Be Safe Out There!
–Hans Landau


“Ow! Damn. Well, that oughta do for now, anyway.”


“Spaceman Ass (hee hee hee!), do you copy?”

“Ass here. What’s so goddamned funny?”

“Ha ha ha… nothing! Hey, you about done with your sector?”

“Just wrapped it up. Heading in.”

“Swing by HR after you offload. They need to see you.”

“They do?”

“No, actually, you need to see them. Something about your mascot.”

One hour later…




“The hell is this?!”

“What? Cats need potassium, too.”

“Jones, that’s my shipmate!”

“Seriously? Smelled too sweet to be a member of this crew.”

"I just got chewed out for either possession of an unregistered pet or harboring a stowaway (scale was hard to determine from the photo), plus abetting the assault of a duly enlisted crewfruit, plus unauthorized fraternization with same… "

“Hey, you can’t deny that banana had… (snerk) appeal! (gigglegigglegiggle)”

“Holy shit, if I still had my helmet on I’d void the airlock and space you right now where you stand!”

“Hypocrite. Like you never had any vegetation in your cloaca…”

“And what in Herpeton’s name is up with the monkey suit?!”

“Huh? Oh. That. Uh… I was cold.”

“You was cold?! You’re covered in fur!! Your species evolved on a planet five AU from its Class 2 primary! You can survive hard vacuum at absolute zero for over an hour!”

“It was drafty in there.”

“Lizardshit. In where?”

“The produce hold.”

“And what were you doing in there?”

“Lickin’ on a nannersicle, looks like.”

“How have you not gotten us both thrown off this ship yet?!”

“I make myself useful. Like the upgrades to our quarters?”

“Sure. A carpeted platform on a scratching post, a porthole bunk with artificial sunlight for basking, and a vermin infestation.”

“Those are snacks, imported at considerable expense for highly valued guests.”

“And useless to me. They crap little pellets into my boots. How do you get all this stuff?”

“Like I said: I make myself useful. Like so: hold still.”

“What are you doing?”

“Duct-taping your new LIDAR units to your suit. You’re scanning the airlocks of the Black Swan. If you hurry up and get out there, you’ll have first crack at 'em, since nobody else has taken the mission yet, last I checked.”

“LIDAR units? Where’d you get those?”

“Ship’s stores. Charged 'em to your account.”

Stop hacking my debit card, you flea-bitten alleycat!!

“Sure, sure. get a move on!”

@Kassandra SUBMIT

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