yup. fear of terrorists instead of inattentive drivers and sharks instead of undertow.
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Characterizing people who donāt chose to worry about statistically insignificant risks to their kids as āwhistling in the darkā is exactly the problem. I worried about my kid being hit by a speeding car when he was little, now that heās 17 I worry about him drinking and driving or getting in a car with someone whoās been drinking. THOSE are provably real fears.
You relate two stranger danger anecdotes, however, the only provable risk was in your mind. A 35 year old hanging out by himself at the skating rink and being jokey with young kids is DRASTICALLY more likely to be someone whoās lost his kids through divorce and feeling lonely, or maybe someone who is school teacher and likes kids. Did you actually TALK to the person, or just scare the crap out of your kids because āpeodophiliaā?
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Yes, they shouldnāt be alone in car seat either.
With the possible exception of convicted sex offenders.
Not even Sherilyn Fenn?
Itās easy to miss the warning signs, and people donāt appreciate this well enough. Abusers know what theyāre doing is wrong, and they do what they can to deflect suspicion and cover their tracks. Itās easy to get taken in by someone whoās actively trying to deceive you, no matter how attentive you think you are.
I think this has figured into recent ācover upā cases more than most people realize. Good people covering for criminals, not because they are complicit in crimes against children, but because they honestly believe they are protecting an innocent person from undue scrutiny.
Did the van have a giant painted mural on the side with pedobear dancing?
Or was it a van that triggered irrational fear in your head because you heard a story, saw a movie, imagined the worst possible outcome with no other evidence than it was a van.
When I was a child, I talked to some random strangers who were in social settings like skate rinks - I didnāt get kidnapped. I wasnāt taught to fear every stranger because they were going to snatch me, I was taught that there were boundaries and if someone pushed those remove myself from near them and find a responsible adult. Now I am in the prime age range to be the evil pedo, but Iām not one. I have mothers flip out in terror because I dared to say hello back to their child who said hi and waved. The unadulterated horror of a wave & smile being returned to a child who is standing next to the parent who is on high predator alert because of the hype.
Every parent wants to keep their kid safe, but there is no safety in teaching them to fear everything just to be āsafeā. It stunts them from developing interaction with other people or learning how what social boundaries are. I learned way more about life by screwing up than by sitting back and hearing stories about how bad things will happen to me if I dare to attempt interactions of any sort with adults.
Parents get worried if I dare interact with their child, ignoring the idea that among other things I am also an Uncle. That I might enjoy playing with my nephew & have no problem including someone else enjoying the park in the fun (especially when the parent canāt be bothered to do more than play with the phone & not the kid). Iām a big kid at heart who likes having fun, and perhaps if people stopped making the illogical leap of pedo as the first answer the world would be a better place.
Just because I got older doesnāt mean I gave up on the joy of play, and kids have way better imaginations than adults. There is more joy in their eyes when you follow their lead and play along, I might look like a lunatic trying to keep up with them but seeing my nephew happy was so worth it. I pity the kid who gets called away because ZOMG ITS AN ADULT MALE ON THE PLAYGROUND!!! Rather than engage me in a conversation and see if I gave them an ookie feeling, they went with the worst case scenario with no evidence. Once upon a time our society would actually speak to other people rather than just imagine what evil stranger stereotype they are and act in fear.
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Iāve been out with my daughter and stepkids tons in public, and those two incidents that summer are the only ones that really weirded me out that way.
In the pedovan incident, my stepdaughter was on rollerblades and up ahead of everyone else by herself by several hundred yards. And she was really spooked by these guys when she skated past their van - they said something to her, I donāt remember what. She kept skating directly over to us. We didnāt understand what had happened at first, we were just out strolling at this beautiful state park enjoying the day with our kids, whyād sheād be so nervous about these people? But we had to take her reaction seriously because it was so unusual. We felt like there was something odd about where these people were parked and how close they were, pulled over to the side of the road right near a little kidās play lot instead of, like everyone else, in a parking lot. I felt pretty comfortable with her decision to move on away from these guys after watching them for a bit. Who knows, maybe they were there with a handicapped child and needed their van near the playground to access it?
This was at Stone Mountain park - there are a lot of KKK wannabes up there because itās the birthplace of the klan. We were new to the area at the time and unfamiliar with all that at first, but after walking and hiking there almost every night we got to know over time there was this element there thatād ride around in their lowriders with their Southern Cross flags flying - mostly just young guys having their own brand of fun. As beautiful as it was there, there was an undercurrent.
The skating guy was pretty much going up to all the kids and doing all these fun things like taking quarters out of their ears and stuff. All the kids loved him. He was dressed very fun in a Hawaiian shirt. What was making us nervous was how he kept going up to all the kids instead of just striking up a conversation with whoever was near him. He was working the room. It seemed a lot more calculated than just āHey, Iām having a good time here, being friendly with the kids.ā I mean, we were there as parents and also talking to random kids, too - you expect a certain amount of that when your kids are little - but to go out and try to be the life of the party in a group of 6 - 12 year olds when you are 35 is off.
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This is the way to do it. Boundaries: are they honored or breached? If a stranger talks to you, do they stay where they are or are they closing the distance between you, even if you are noticeably backing or bending away?
Useful distinction for adults to bear in mind too, not just children.
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Good instincts on your part (and your stepdaughterās)! Experience, judgement, perceptionā¦when it all comes together, donāt override your gut reaction.
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When I was in college there was a big incident in the nearby small-town. One of my friends was a āperson of interestā for a time, as his car had been seen loitering in front of the home that week. Art student, sketching.
All that said, it seems overblown and overprotective.
Thou shalt not think any male over the age of 30 that plays with a child that is not their own is a paedophile. Some people are just nice.
OTOH, the song references Lostprophets, the lead singer of whom is now in prison for a very long time for a number of awful child sexual abuse offenses.
I think in both cases you were right to be trust your instincts, but in both cases thatās all they were. Itās possible that he had other intentions, but the overwhelming probability is that the 35 year old was just wanting to help the kids to enjoy themselves. Maybe he was even employed by the rink for that purpose. The pedovan drivers probably also had a good reason to be there. By all means go somewhere else if youāre not comfortable (or go over and talk to them if you want to stay), but also be aware that it isnāt helping men to get involved with their childrenās lives if they are getting side-eyed by other parents all the time and labelled as potential pedophiles. Your childās safety does come first and you can remind the person about boundaries, but itās very probable that both people were just trying to be nice.
Unfortunately, I do. A 21 year old guy broke into his old primary school about 2 km from our home last July, threw a 7 year old girl over the fence and assaulted her in a nearby forest while telling her he was going to kill her. The caretaker chased after him and was able to separate them. He was sentenced to five years imprisonment last week, which isnāt particularly comforting.
Imagine it was a woman acting the same way. A little disturbing even then. Not a man thing, a behavior thing.
Not labeling but if someone acts off kilter I do not need to engage just to not appear like a jerk.
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Nope.
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I do know a woman with no kids who plays with kids in our local playground. Sheās actually employed to come a few times a week, but she also obviously gets a lot of enjoyment from being around kids. When I first saw her playing with my own kids (without asking me first), I went up to talk with her - sheās a very nice person and Iām happy that the kids are getting to know some of the adults. As far as Iām concerned, the more safe adults the kids know, the more eyes are out there in case something does happen.
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Iād split the difference there. I donāt know what the guys in the āpedovanā said to your stepdaughter, but it sounds similar to the type of harassment that women of all ages get from random men on the street. The guy at the skating rink? Probably just some amateur magician whoās not aware that, in our society, any adult male whoās in the presence of kids that heās not responsible for, for no apparent good reason, is automatically a suspect.
I really wish you could remember what the pedovan guys said to your stepdaughter, as thatās a pretty important missing detail. Do you at least remember the tone/general direction of their comment?
As for the guy at the skating rinkā¦ I mean obviously go with your instincts, but I am totally that guy, and have been since before I had kids. At any gathering where there are kids and adults present, Iām always the one entertaining the kids. This is probably in large part due to my social anxiety - kids are super easy to entertain, but trying to make small talk with adult strangers (the parents of said kids) is exceedingly difficult for me to do.
Iām also the one waving back and making silly faces at little kids at the grocery store, despite their parents giving me the automatic āget away from us, pervertā face (even when I have my own 2 and 5 year old with me!). Thereās a kindly old guy who goes to the pub near our house with his wife for dinner every day, and every single time he sees us there with our kids, he comes over and gives them a little show with finger puppets, and then gives them the puppets. Iāve seen some parents refuse to let their kids have the finger puppets, and act rude and cold to him for simply having the audacity to want to entertain children. Itās a shame that the automatic response these days to āadult man who thinks kids are awesomeā is āmust be a pedophileā. As if being caring towards children is somehow completely abnormal for a man. See also: the many shocked reactions I got when I was off on parental leave with our firstborn.
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I donāt dispute the data and it is comforting to know. But as a 47 year old father of a 4 & 7 year old my overriding thought is that regardless of the stats, you donāt get a second chance. There is no redo. So I stay vigilant.
So you also have them constantly attached to an electrical ground, because their risk in any given year are roughly the same? Also, I presume you donāt drive them in a car, take planes, or walk down the street. This is a very enjoyable table of lifetime odds of various modes of accidental death.
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