I’ll take a crack:
Trump: Corrupt xenophobic misogynist narcissist with limited cognitive abilities and poor impulse control. Tweeted the phrase “check out sex tape” at 3AM, then defended this. Promised to jail political opponent. Fair treatment of criticisms exceeds post length restrictions of BBS.
Stein: Drum circles for world peace do not actually work. Would criticize more strongly, but it feels unfair to rail on a candidate whose polling numbers are below most polls’ margin of error.
Clinton: Access may be purchased wherever MasterCard/Visa/AmEx are accepted. Position on whether this is acceptable behavior will be triangulated based on results of opinion polls. Horrifically successful in adopting DLC’s goals of remaking the Dems as a party of corporate finance. Used term “superpredators” to justify problematic crime bill. Opposed same-sex-marriage for a decade until public opinion polls forced new triangulation. Somehow has still not learned why arming rebels/lobbing bombs in conflict areas turn out badly. Strongest argument in favor is her opponent.
Johnson: Plutocrats supporting legalizing weed are still plutocrats.