That Macklemore photo in #14 looks like it was drawn by Maurice Sendak.
Well thank goodness we have Buzzfeed to call us tools. Itās also very helpful when Boing Boing points us to the good stuff like this.
Sounds like more a list of the writerās petty biases than a list of things not to say.
āI read this really interesting article at BuzzFā ā DAMN!
"And the people are all phonies. No one reads. Everything has cilantro on itā¦ "
I think I found my soulmate!
Iām pretty sure an article telling me Iām a tool ranks higher on the Douche-ometer than any other of these statements.
- I think R.E.M.s early stuff is better. Eat shit.
- Iāve worked on novels. Itās called making conversation.
- Milk chocolate is for pussies. End of story.
- Apparently you arenāt reading my tweets. Shame on you. Itās all gold.
- I skimmed this interesting article and I want you to skim it too so we can pull it up at the party and discuss it.
- You should. Itās good for you.
- Ok, Iāll give you this one. Soul Matesā¦they donāt exist.
- Dude have you listened to what passes for Radio these days? NPR FTW!
- E-books donāt feel the same, but you get used it them, and you can read them in the bathtub if you put them in a ziploc.
- Health is important. So is discipline. If I bail on the gym today, I wonāt be able to get there until next week. Just wait an extra hour.
- I have to say that. Iām an Alcoholic. Who knows whatās going to happen tomorrow?
- Starbucks sucks. 'nuff said.
- Uhhh.
Apparently Iām 47% Tool. If thatās the case can I be a Water Jet Cutter?
Can I add one? āDo whatever works for your [obviously vastly inferior] family.ā
20.Ā Ā āI write for a website called Buzzfeed.ā
And make up lists as an anti-hipster hipster.
15, 16 and 17 make it sound like the guy is a party animal who requires constant human contact but refuses to experience his friends playing music, prepared to guilt trip them into accompanying him as he drinks himself into an early grave.
Maybe this article is a very craftily disguised cry for help?
Anyway, the whole āintroducing a topic you want to talk about, without disguising it as having emerged from the conversation naturallyā, is the major failing.
If you really donāt want to be accused of (or perceived as) being a dick for talking to people you know about things that interest you; get new friends.
It is a douchey article. That said, when I heard my 3 year old son say he āread a report that shows you how to pick a really good monster truckā then I knew something was amiss.
But I like reading and talking about what I have read - not because I am a tool, but because that is how we get and share information.
Number 1 thing to do to make you sound like a tool? Calling other people tools because of what they said.
I think the thing is to not volunteer these sorts of things in conversation where it isnāt warranted.
Just donāt constantly derail the conversation and make it about you and your experiences. I mean thatās just normal conversation skills for non-douchebags.
The #3 āI donāt own a TVā crowd is particularly notorious for that, as well as the #6 āWhen I was in Europeā¦ā crowd. Since the other things on the list are really not that bad, itās true that theyāre going to make you sound like an ass if you say them at inappropriate times.
Iām guilty of several things on this list (sometimes in slightly different forms), and I know for a fact that people sometimes find me to be insufferable for this and other reasons. So I donāt find the article to be completely off-base by any means 
You used ādoucheyā to describe an article that contains the phrase āIām on the Master Cleanse right nowā.
I find it annoying when a person specifically clicks on a link about a TV show and then offers, āI donāt own a TVā. But in the context of a very different conversation, in person, if you are rambling on about a program on TV, and that person responds the same way, itās not really being a tool, itās signaling that they canāt contribute to the discourse and arenāt interested. I think context is everything. I like dark chocolate better than other chocolates, but Iām not going to spew it out non sequitur, like Rainman saying, āIām an excellent driverā. I might mention it if offered a choice of chocolate.
I only like Boing Boingās early stuff
They forgot āI work in academiaāā¦ or the use of any academic terms in non-academic conversationā¦ That pisses lots of people off Iāve found, but they just donāt realize that I donāt want to bring Foucault or Marx into this 2 way conversation, but given that Iāve read about 200 books that do nothing but namecheck them in the past few monthsā¦ at some point, you canāt help it. Itās kind of sad really. We need helpā¦ Help me. Iām trapped under a major pile of academic works. But Iām useless in the real worldā¦ so there is that. 
So if you actually are going to the gym or actually do prefer dark chocolate you have to lie about it? āUmmm, Iām allergic to milk chocolate and I have a secret meeting at that time.ā
I think some of the items in this list indicate issues with the article writer more than anything else, though if you said these out of context I can see them sounding snobby.
