Meanwhile, in an only-slightly alternative reality: Donald Trump ascends the White House steps after returning from Walter Reed, rips open his shirt to reveal a Superman shirt underneath, and flies off into the night sky, suit jacket flapping like a cape, to single-handedly inject untested vaccines and/or bleach into terrified Santas and elves across the nation.
It’d have to be an experimental vaccine, with unclear efficacy. So the Santas may die, and the children would serve as a vector to infect and kill their parents. God bless us, everyone.
What about the Easter bunny? Too soon?
Of course. GOP doesn’t believe in Santa Claus.
Sean Spicer was unavailable for comment.
Q will announce the final solution to this deep state war on Christmas.
I hate to be the guy who killed Christmas but should there be Santa Clauses? Kids on their laps and whatnot? Breaking into houses and drinking from the milk glasses? And whatever else Santa gets up to?
Mr. Erwin said on the call: “Since you would be doing Santa a serious favor, Santa would definitely reciprocate.”
Mr. Caputo said: “I’m in, Santa, if you’re in.”
I’m in awe of this exchange. Does Santa operate as a hivemind?
There is a movie poster with Bruce Willis in a shitty Santa suit. He is smoking a cigar through a mask, above he words THIS YEAR CHRISTMAS FIGHTS BACK.
Supply Side Jesus would tell you that to celebrate His birth properly, you need to hire your own Santa. Give him a covid test, keep him quarantined in your attic for 10 days (along with the reindeer), and give him another test at the end. If he’s clear, have him meet your kids, and then release him with an NDA.
This headline feels like a MadLib, but also I feel like a MadLib of “Trump administration scraps plans to give ______ early access to ______” would sound more realistic than this, which is probably how you can tell its real.
Waste of money- Santa’s immortal.
It’s not even Halloween. I know people like to plan early, but it’s way to early to think about Easter.
But surely The Great Pumpkin could get vaccinated. Maybe even the Halloween Beagle, if there was such a thing.
Let’s not forget that there is protocol for new Santa Clauses. Though it depends on the movie. “Ernest Saves Christmas” has a different protocol from that in “The Santa Clause”, and I’m sure there are others.
But if the Santa Claus union is all male, won’t some group take them to court on grounds of discrimination? Santa Claus could be a woman, and Black, and Native and everything else. All we see are artist’s renditions. Nobody has ever actually seen Santa Claus, though there are false sightings.
Let-em drink bleach.
Huh. I envisioned the Eater Bunny as more of a Jared Kushner cosplay thing.