Trump's Prosperity Gospel backers say Jesus makes you rich, cures Ebola, resurrects dead chickens


#1

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#2

“Sons of bitches”


#3

“…and that is the only reason I’m here.”

I am not so sure she is here.


#4

Rich people, give me all your money and I will make you poor!


#5

So what is the Prosperity Gospel’s view on Acts 4:32-37?

32 And the multitude of them that believed were of one heart and of one soul: neither said any of them that ought of the things which he possessed was his own; but they had all things common.
33 And with great power gave the apostles witness of the resurrection of the Lord Jesus: and great grace was upon them all.
34 Neither was there any among them that lacked: for as many as were possessors of lands or houses sold them, and brought the prices of the things that were sold,
35 And laid them down at the apostles’ feet: and distribution was made unto every man according as he had need.
36 And Joses, who by the apostles was surnamed Barnabas, (which is, being interpreted, The son of consolation,) a Levite, and of the country of Cyprus,
37 Having land, sold it, and brought the money, and laid it at the apostles’ feet.


Acts 4:32-37 and Prosperity Gospel
#6

Irrelevant. They don’t make it past Matthew 25: 14-30

Seriously, you guys, when are you going to recognize that all these jerks who pull out the Bible to tell you how to live are only cherry picking? That the part about the rich man and the eye of the needle they see as some concrete story about an opening in a wall being too small for the rich guy’s camel train instead of a metaphor about “don’t be a jerk to each other and give to those in need.” The whole book boils down to “be kind, give” and anyone who teaches differently is totally going to have some idiotic logic about how things “should” be read.


#7

Hmmm. Wonder if the same reanimation trick works with ducks, as well?

Anybody got a phone number or Twitter handle for this Jebus guy?


#8

I had chicken for lunch, let’s see if he is resurrected.


#9

(You better hope not, lest you want to re-enact a scene from “Alien” with a chicken in the title role.)


#10

To be fair, not the whole book; the Old Testament is pretty nasty and full of things like God-ordered genocide and mass rape (e.g. when the Israelites are busy depopulating Canaan and forcing some of the surviving women and children into marriage and slavery).


#11

“Oh, not the chicken story…”



#12

They really need to upgrade that android’s skin. Also, did they overclock it’s hair production subroutine? It keeps freaking me out.


#13

She’s just very proud she can swindle geriatric victims of dementia by telling them she’s a witch doctor.


#14

But hey, at least to compensate they have discounted its going rate for performances. Also I heard that they are diversify out into parties and weddings (The hair production flips upside down for weddings creating a snazzy and unique multicolored brides vail).


#15

They would most likely tell you that those verses are a perfect example of what they’re advocating: that you should sell everything you own and give the money to the leaders of the church (them) so that they can redistribute it as they see fit.

But don’t worry, you will lack for nothing.

Really. Says so right here on the label.

See, that’s how the Prosperity Gospel works. You give them all your money, and the result is prosperity.

(For someone, anyway.)


Acts 4:32-37 and Prosperity Gospel
#16

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