I’m moderately [disturbed|intrigued] by the idea that your head is of the type that can be wrapped, literally, around something.
post pix plz k thx bye
What about cases in which the teen is being ridiculed for something they have absolutely no control over? I’m not just talking about needing glasses or braces, but behavior that’s considered “outside the norm” that is caused by neurological conditions like ASD or OCD? What about homosexuality? What about a skin condition that can’t be cured with acne cream?
I’m not saying that we should put all teens under Orwellian surveillance; like you said, a little criticism can be healthy for development. However, there’s a big difference between constructive criticism and being outright malicious. A line needs to be drawn somewhere. Most of those bullying-induced suicides weren’t caused by one-off events to oversensitive children; they happened after years of repeated abuse by a group of kids who were “just having a laugh” or taking their own frustrations with growing up out on an “acceptable” target.
Teenagers aren’t the best judges of the consequences of their actions, seeing as how their brains and their social skills are still developing. And the victims don’t get much respite from the promise that things will be better when they’re adults; when you’re a teen, all you can focus on is the here and now, and the years seem to stretch on forever. When you do or say really nasty things to someone repeatedly, and then it ends up really, truly hurting them, it doesn’t matter if your intentions were good. Even if you just wanted to toughen them up, it doesn’t change the fact that you hurt them. And these are things that can stay with you for a long, long time. I’ve heard stories from adults who still remember horrible things that other kids did to them as children, and how it still echoes in their lives years after the fact, whether manifesting as an inability to trust others, or as violent panic attacks in public places. Nowadays those traces are a lot more real and a lot more damaging. Social media has provided the opportunity for bullies to ruin someone’s career prospects before they’re old enough to start looking for jobs, either by posting humiliating pictures of them online (particularly in cases of sexual assault when alcohol is involved), photoshopping them into compromising situations i.e. pasting their heads on a porn star’s body, or identity theft.
You were lucky - the teasing you experienced probably wasn’t all that severe if you’re so willing to laugh it off. However, please keep in mind that other kids aren’t you. They didn’t grow up in your neighborhood or go to your school, you have no idea what their lives are like. The severity of the bullying they face might be a lot worse than anything you ever encountered.
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The troll blog’s awful formatting doesn’t exactly count, because you can pick design themes for your personal page. S/he (assuming the troll is actually a teenage girl and not just a 30 year old male 4channer having a giggle) just happened to pick a really terrible one.
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You know, I don’t think I’ve ever directly communicated with you, but I’ve seen a whole bunch of your posts for years. Your posts used to be thoughtful, often bringing a much-needed other perspective to the comments, and even though I haven’t always agreed with your views, I’ve always respected them. That’s why it’s sad to see such a good commentor turn into a puddle of repetetive bitterness.
Look, I think you’re far from a misogynist. But it’s possible to a feminist (I don’t know if you agree with my label, but I think anyone who’s for equality is a feminist) and still end up hurting them. Just look at those people who claim men can’t be raped - I definitely think that hurts feminism and women, on top of men. Just like they’re focusing on the wrong things, I believe you’re as well.
I’m not saying that something which is rare or extreme should be forgotten, certainly not, but there’s a time and place for everything. Barging in on every discussion (hyberbole) which concerns feminist issues and constantly saying how it’s not really sexist and what about these extreme people, helps no one. I’m sure it’s annoying to have people imply that things you’ve said or opinions you hold are misogynist, which you said Rob is doing (though I think he was pointing out your us vs. them mentality - which is ironic, because you certainly replied with that mentality), but the answer isn’t to take that as yet another attack and put more bricks on the wall some people imagine seperates you and them.
While there’s a lot of sexism in our society, the amount of loudly and stereotypically sexist “women are stupid and belong in the kitchen” talk has dropped (how many people still think that, well, that’s impossible to say) while discussion about it has increased. Most people obviously don’t want to be seen as sexist, which makes talking about the little things difficult. When you say that something they believe in (like a stereotype) or something they like (a movie or a video game) is sexist, their first reaction is to deny it. Sexist is bad, therefore it makes that thing bad. This is not helped by the people who at every opportunity, instead of explaining why something might be sexist, just accuse the person of being sexist instead. It becomes personal and people get defensive.
Anecdote time: once I used the word “histronic” (and I think it was towards a woman, too) and was called sexist. In my language, the word (hysteerinen) is much, much more common and I had no idea about its origin (the word has likely never used in that context in Finland and was instead carried over later, but I’m not sure). It felt so unfair that me, who considers herself a very vocal feminist (and proud of it!), was accused of something I’m not. I felt mad but luckily didn’t go on an angry tirade about how I didn’t know because I probably would have been hit twice as hard. But while the personal attack was unfair, it’s true that the word has a sexist origin and it’s good I didn’t try to deny it in my angriness. Now I know better.
So people shouldn’t personally attack someone, but neither should they get defensive and blindly deny and dismiss the sexism NOR take it as proof that everyone who brings up sexism thinks the same.
I know you have this “this alternative perspective needs to be heard!” idea, and so do many others. That’s all well and good. But while people pointing out sexism might feel common, especially in places like BB (and I guess Tumblr), it is nowhere near accepted. After time, and as multiple people do it, your “hear this perspective” unintentionally turns into “shut up, why does everything have to be about misogyny” even though it’s not intended. Couple that with the actual sexists, and it becomes hard to talk about it at all.
I remember some older post of yours where you pointed out that MRA people have some good points, like with custody and single parent dads. And you’re right. There are definitely some things where men are at a disadvantage and I hate seeing people deny it. But this is not something seperate from other gender issues. They’re all tied to each other. The reason women usually get the kids is because historically women have taken care of children. This is bad for a man who can’t get custody of his children even if he is the better parent, and for a woman who is expected to solely take care of children while the father works. See how it’s also a feminist issue? Even though feminism has and does typically focus on women because they have been at a bigger disadvantage (still are in many ways), that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t concern men. They’re gender issues.
I know there are women who don’t agree and see men as the privilidged enemy (though, let me be clear, simply calling men privilidged is not an attack). I’d say the same to them as I said to you. The whole issue is very divisive, with many opinions and misunderstandings. It’s like a loaded gun. There are people on both “sides” (even I’m stuck using this terminology!) who have become more focused with showing they’re righteous and others are terrible, not even trying to find solutions. Others are certain anyone talking about these issues is a “social justice crusader” and would rather act gender-blind. Many have polite views in the middle, but they don’t stand out and many end up having to “pick a side”. Or they stop talking about it entirely.
This is the perfect example of what I’m talking about. Turning “hmm, I wonder if there is a gender issue at play with this Tumblr hate” into “women want to silence us!” (I know you didn’t say exactly that, but suggesting women want to be exempt from criticisim kinda suggests it). If Mindysan had claimed that these girls (the organizers probably weren’t even teen girls) are the victims here, then maybe you’d have a point.
I think it’s great that the internet has allowed women who have strong ideas about gender and feminism to raise their voice, but many don’t dare because of how often it’s countered with dismissal. So many people do this that, even on Boing Boing, I’m often afraid to talk about feminist issues. The last time I did, telling about how I as a girl gamer feel about online play and that I think women would play more if there were more well-rounded female characters who don’t all have huge boobs and barely any clothing, I was accused of wanting to censor things men like (and not just sexist things, also violence and such which I never talked about) and hating men. I’m not exeggrating. Look it up.
Now, I know you wouldn’t write something quite that mean.
But…
… then there is this. Ridiculing how others feel because you don’t understand them. I know that when you were picking examples, you probably thought it would be a funny little tidbit about lying or exeggrating (don’t know which you imply) which no one would find offensive, but sadly you were mistaken. Shit luck, huh, because this must be rare.
I find gum chewing to be slightly triggering. Yes, really. I don’t know why, these things don’t always make sense, but I suspect it’s a combination of my Asperger’s related sensitivity (light, sounds) and having been raped. Chewing somehow sounds really sexual and vile to me. Once I was sitting on the bus while someone next to me chewed gum and after some time I had to get up and change the seat as far away and possible. I obviously didn’t dare to ask them to stop; they would think I’m crazy or intentionally obnoxious. I didn’t get a full-blown panic attack or anything, but I felt really unconfortable and unsafe. Definitely triggering. I don’t know the context of the post you’re talking about, but it doesn’t matter - you clearly find the idea of being triggered by chewing ridiculous.
Many don’t seem to understand triggers. They understand being triggered by exclipit images or descriptions of rape, but not much else. I’m triggered by tickling (severe panic attacks), light touches (though not always) and that certain disgusting, objectifying, possibly-but-not-always-sexual look you sometimes see men give women in movies, which might be related to rape but can also have a general “I own you” vibe. Bleh. Most of the time, I don’t actually think about rape (experienced or potential) when triggered - I just feel anxious and unsafe. Something can make me feel only a little anxious at first, but if it doesn’t stop immediately (like tickling), my mind panics and starts looping “danger, danger” in my head. It’s an irrational feeling, which is why it’s so hard to deal with. I hope you learned something new today.
This is how people who think they’re just making fun of stupid, extreme people who deserve to be mocked start mocking earnest people who have found a safe place to voice things which are usually not talked about. That’s why the community you talked about sounds terrible; they’re not even bothering you, just talking amongst their own little community. I can’t even imagine how depressed if I’d feel if I opened up about my chewing trigger and some strangers picked it up on Reddit and ridiculed my sensitivity. Yes, I am overly sensitive. It’s called PTSD.
Men (not all are men, I’m sure) hating on Tumblr because women (not all are women, I’m sure) there have what they perceive to be extreme views on social issues has everything to do with gender. This comes back to how hard it is to talk about sexism and not sexists. People think it’s okay because hey, look how stupid this person’s view is. But forgetting for a moment how ridicule never helps anyone change their views (though it does make you feel better). People should not be made to feel afraid to talk about these issues, and that’s what exactly you and others are doing. If someone comes up to your face (or, well, talks to you on the internet) and says “hey, I don’t think men can be raped” (or worse, says it to a man talking about their rape experience) then I think you should politely explain why you think they’re wrong. You might not be able to change their mind, and maybe they even make you mad, but at least you tried and showed that people who disagree them are smart people.
I know this whole “be polite and talk” thing seems lame and sometimes ineffective. It can be unfair if the other side is being a dick about serious problems and you might think “if they don’t have to then why should I”, but that does not end well. There are times, extreme times, when action and harsher words is needed. Maybe even violence, though I’m typically against that. But that time is not on Reddit with your own group of like-minded people, heroically laughing and face-palming (or whatever, haven’t read it). You can’t “show them” and you certainly don’t help your own cause. You develop your own echo chamber, became angrier and start thinking these extreme views are more common than they are, constantly bringing it up anywhere you go. People get frustrated with you and you just get more defensive and certain. It has happened to me.
I know what you mean. That’s how I feel everytime I read sexist things on the internet. It’s so sad, because this should be the time when people fully realize how idiotic gender roles and expectations are. Men realize that hey, this affects me personally too (maybe they like something that is deemed “girly”, or get depressed because they aren’t allowed to show and talk about their emotions, or aren’t taken seriously after being raped, or…) - it’s not that they haven’t cared about women’s issues, but some things are easier to understand when you experience it personally. But then, instead of putting 1 and 1 together and seeing the bigger picture, they become “men’s right activists” and start talking about the oppression of men as a seperate issue. Some women see this and, annoyed by people not only downplaying misogyny but now apparently talking about how bad men have it, yell privilidge and dismiss them. Men see this as proof of their oppression, and double down on their views. It becomes a “who’s got it worse” battle. This is obviously an extreme representation, with only extreme views, but all too real.
Just… ugh. I’m tired of all this. I know my “let’s all hold hands” hippy views are naive, but I wish the fighting would stop because we’re taking huge steps backwards.
I hope I explained myself clearly and didn’t come off as attacking you. For the record, and this is no excuse and I’m sorry if I said something hurtful, but Asperger’s tends to make me sound condenscending and harsher than I mean. Or, at least I feel like it does - as a result, I repeat myself and try to explain what I mean too much, often leading it to sound just more condenscending. It’s a bad combination, actually wanting to change how people think and sounding like a bit of a dick.
Not that these aren’t harsh words, especially from someone who is a total stranger (I feel like I know people because I’ve read their posts so much). But I, honest to god, am saying this to you because I want to get those thought-provoking posts of yours back (we need someone who will not participate in the circle jerk BB occassionally can turn into :P) and because I know you’ll listen to honest talk (unlike some people, you seem to actually care). Your bitterness over this issue is reaching a boiling point and I’d hate to see you gone because some dick tells you “you’re not wanted here, you stupid sexist MRA pig” (which you aren’t, btw, and I’d hate to see you turn that way). And believe me, it will happen if you don’t see that we’re not your enemy.
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Well, the behavior ‘caused’ by ASD and OSD can be controlled in all but the most extreme cases. These are delicate areas; I wouldn’t prescribe ridicule as a treatment, but otoh, maybe it’s better to have your peers point it out. As for homosexuality, inappropriate expressions of all forms of sexuality are frequently ridiculed, in all subcultures. It’s just what is inappropriate that varies.
I already differentiated ridicule and abuse.
You were lucky - the teasing you experienced probably wasn’t all that severe
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
if you’re so willing to laugh it off
I think this comes to the basis of it. I’m not laughing it off, and your coming to this conclusion is quite telling.
I am not dismissing any of the psychological factors you are raising; they are quite clear to me and have been for some time. I simply reject this idea that everyone is entitled to a ‘stable’ happy life. Humanity isn’t like that, and efforts to make it happen have so far been quite dystopian.
First, I want to say that I want to go back and carefully read the whole thing. I think you’ve mostly got good points, and a couple of places I might have a rebuttal…but I think after I respond to this, I’m going back to the BoingBoing break (which I’m having trouble doing because I forgot to block emails from Boing Boing)
I think, before we go any further, you’d benefit from going back in the thread and reading through again. Mindysan posed the question earlier in the thread, and it’s almost one of the first questions on there. I responded, making the mistake of using Tumblr in Action as an example, and using examples of people being ridiculous on there.
What I’ve forgotten are a few things: I’m on a website where Reddit is seen as a cesspool of misogyny (which I won’t argue with) and that Tumblr in Action, until the mods recently cracked down on it, had turned into the Anti-Feminism Brigade. Now, to be fair, the people they were quoting were saying some pretty shitty stuff by and large, but that’s how it was and it’s back to poking fun/discussing people who think people are shitlords for sitting and stepping on their invisible dragon tails.
And, of course, in the past, I’ve shared my misgivings about things like the “poisoned M&Ms” analogy, and my misgivings about “not all men”. I honestly don’t know how we’re going to improve the world if we’re not allowed to participate and merely be told shut up, this is what you currently do, this is what you think, and this is how you’re going to change.
And in doing so, I’ve raised the ire of Rob Beschizza, and I’m sure others.
I’m just not sure how anyone would think that the stay-at-home dad of two intelligent daughters would, in all honesty, hate women and want the world to be hostile toward them. I’d just…honestly, if anything, I can condense it down to this: if you feel you’re oppressed, and you feel those people don’t know you’re an oppressor, you have to include them in the conversation in a way that doesn’t piss them off, because they’ll get angry and stop listening.
*sigh*
I will end all that, though, by pointing out that my own views are likely colored by the shitty experience I had in college, where there were some, shall we say, outdated (and fairly radical) views on feminism were in play, as well as some fairly simplistic notions of social justice that tended to be one- or two-dimensional. I try to be a little more open-minded (and quiet) in real life, but online, I tend to “needle” to get people’s true feelings out in the open. And quite often, I run into those same attitudes. I am glad, though, that some talking points I heard back then, have gone to the wayside and are even being attributed to patriarchy.
I appreciate that. I try, I honestly do!
I don’t see BoingBoing as being much different than any other online community; on any given thread about feminism…let’s take the mildly amusing “men talking to women in classic art” thread. How many of those comments are just current talking points? My God, it looked like a feminist, liberal version of a Breitbart comment thread. While it was, yes, a feminist, liberal take on the art, it added nothing of substance other than parroting things like, again, “not all men”. And I don’t get how belittling dudes all the time is going to improve the world. Keep doing it and Adam Carolla will probably bring back The Man Show (yuck.)
Back to my break, as soon as I read your comment.
Just so you know, I dont’ think I ever accused you of being misogynistic nor do I think that you are. I disagree with you on this.
I’d like specific examples of what you saw as talking points… I thought it was a fairly light-hearted discussion?
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Yeah, and I just want to say right off the bat, what I’m about to say is just me reporting on it, not me agreeing with it (at least not completely). I used to follow MRAs and agreed with part of it partly due to my frustration from some shitty behavior by people toward me when I’ve had my daughters with me at the park. I since moved away from that because they’re by and large nuts.
The thing is, if you were to go to an MRA and claim that men’s custody issues are a feminist issue, they’re going to tune you out, and you’re likely to get an earful about what I’m about to say. The reason they’re going to tune you out is because while it may seem like a very patriarchial thing to nearly automatically give custody to a woman, the reason we do so was due to feminism.
Now, of course, times have changed. Women can be breadwinners, property owners, and so on; it’s not always a given that the mother is the primary care giver. In that way, it feels like the patriarchy is the sole cause of this doctrine, the presumption that the man is the breadwinner while the woman is the nurturer and caregiver. However, that’s not entirely true.
Before Caroline Norton, custody almost always went to the man, because he was the land owner. She was a prominent feminist in the 19th Century who went through a bitter divorce, and fought to get the Custody of Infants Act of 1839 passed, which gave mothers a lot more rights in custody battles.
While Tender Years Doctrines have been done away with, women still get custody in nearly 80% of cases.
I think we also have to keep in mind that the word “patriarchy” has diverged widely from its etymological roots, but that many people may not be aware of that, so to some MRAs, it might seem to them like feminists are blaming men for the issues they raise.
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Oh, it was fairly light-hearted; I just thought the whole thing was vapid. I guess that’s the point, though. 
I mean, let’s face it, a lot of the people who go on about Barry O’Bummer handing out welfare checks to Mexicans just for showing up probably think they’re being lighthearted, too.
Right, but I think those are two different things, no? My comment on that was to say something about manslaining, which is really making fun of people who use that term seriously, so, in theory “my side”. The welfare jokes related to Barry O’bummer and Mexican migrants are really just racist, even if they are meant to be a joke.
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I don’t think you know very many people with ASD or OCD. This isn’t just something they can suppress at will, especially not when they’re young. Kids like that don’t need to be made fun of, they need therapy, and the support, guidance, and understanding that comes with it. In some cases, even with the best team of professionals, the behaviors never entirely go away. The best they can do is inform their teacher/classmates that they have this condition, provide a brief explanation of why they act the way they do, and excuse themselves if their symptoms become too disruptive. Putting them in an environment of constant shame and fear often has the opposite effect of helping them, making them withdraw from social situations completely rather than deal with ridicule. Asking a very young child, or even a teenager, to constantly observe themselves from outside all the time for the sake of “normalcy” is extremely stressful. And it’s not like they want to act on these compulsions or emotions; if they had the choice, they’d act “normal” all the time, but they can’t. They’re being punished for something they can’t control. How exactly is bullying going to correct that?
Most of the kids who are bullied for homosexuality aren’t groping people in the halls or making out in public, usually even holding hands is deemed “inappropriate” in the eyes of their peers. In one case, the kid who was bullied wasn’t actually gay, his classmates just came under the shared delusion he was gay. Straight boys who engage in inappropriate sexual behavior like snapping bras or making inappropriate remarks make their female classmates feel unsafe, but more often than not they get away with it, and are often admired by their peers for being “manly.” Girls who exhibit sexually precocious behavior, even if they aren’t harassing anyone, get branded with the scarlet S and subjected to near-constant ridicule. Most of these kids probably don’t even know why these roles “ought to” be enforced, they just blindly enforce them as an excuse to take their frustration out on someone or establish themselves as the higher man/woman on the totem pole.
Most people are accusing you of not taking bullying seriously precisely because you’re downplaying it. Nothing you said gave the impression that the bullying you experienced was particularly severe, only that some people made fun of you a few times. You also don’t seem to take into account that everyone experiences and responds to trauma differently. Some people are fairly resilient, but some people aren’t. You keep asking, “Why doesn’t everyone have as thick skin as me,” as if everyone should experience things the way you do, and everyone who speaks up is a whiner who doesn’t know how the real world works. You can call me naive, but the promise of “stability” is something that is inherent in the public school system. Every student deserves to feel safe when they go to school, especially if their home life is already awful. Having to constantly look over your shoulder in terror of your tormentors can greatly hamper your focus on academics, and can negatively affect your grades and your future. If a school’s students are all but eating each other alive, then that school is not doing its job educating the youth. I am not advocating for security cameras or cattle prods to combat bullying, only for awareness of the toll it takes on people, and to take action whenever you see someone else being harassed. The fact that you’re saying we should sit around and do nothing because “that’s the way things are” makes you sound like the tranquilized masses from 1984.
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OK, fair enough. I think at some point I went from devil’s advocate to just pedantic trolling. I don’t think that the problems you raise can be solved, but that doesn’t mean people shouldn’t complain about them. I don’t think you are representing me fairly, but then again, I haven’t said very much about myself and this is a very personal topic.
So a few personal experiences. One of my ‘tormentors’ was a huge nerd who found a safe niche in his school as a lab assistant. Fair enough, but eventually he bullies me under color of authority with a false accusation. Now, I didn’t go whining about this; I just did my best to point out on-the-spot and in front of the class that his accusation was moronic; ridiculing him, if you will. By the end, he was pretty embarrassed, though it was very tense for me and I was still affected negatively by the incident in ways that I didn’t understand for quite some time. At any rate, I was right to stand up for myself instead of complaining. Moral: if you go shuffling ‘privilege’ around, sometimes all that happens is that other people become the assholes.
In another case, I was technically ‘physically assaulted’ by someone when I insisted that everything is a physical phenomenon, and there is no distinction between physical and mental because, hey, thoughts are just neurons! Now, I say technically because he just bapped me on the head; it was sort of humiliating, but then again in retrospect I was being kind of a prick, and ‘deserved’ it.
The problem is, of course, that if an administrator had seen these two events, the power-hungry false accuser might have been tolerated or even praised, while the ‘assaulter’ might have been suspended. This would be exactly the opposite of what is right.
Oh, I’ve been bullied much worse than the two above, btw; I just chose these because they represent my point.
When I see people complaining about being called “dude” in a generic off-handed way, or claiming that they just can’t handle hearing gum-chewing or a CD skipping because “omg, trauma,” I can’t help but think it’s kind of ridiculous. It’s even more ridiculous when I consider that, according to some tumblr definitions, I was gang-raped a few months ago. (Don’t worry, the reality is much more mundane, but y’see, I was drunk, and therefore, according to the consensus definition of certain forums, I have technically been gang-raped, which I find very amusing. I’m not entirely comfortable saying any of this, but I feel like it has to be pointed out: the people whom I think are ridiculous are, in fact, so ridiculous that they would actually claim that I was unknowingly a victim of one of the worst crimes imaginable.)
I could go on in great lucidity about these absurdities, but the short of it is that no one is entitled to feel secure at all times. Feminism and civil rights movement(s) addressed real disparities and inequalities. By contrast, what I see now is people who feel that they deserve to be shielded from human emotion. This is extremely dangerous.
I think the problem is defining what exactly constitutes a “trigger.” The word came into use in the context of PTSD, particularly in those who had been sexually assaulted, in things or scenarios which could trigger panic attacks or dissociative states. It got broadened to include other mental illnesses like suicidal ideation or eating disorders, where being exposed to stimuli could trigger relapses in people who are trying to recover. Lately, though, there hasn’t been an agreement on what “trigger” means, and some people have changed it into a term for things they don’t like. Like the user above; she describes the sound of chewing as unpleasant and vaguely sexual, but I don’t think that’s a trigger. I think that’s an Aspergers-related sensory issue. Not to say that it isn’t important to acknowledge or that it isn’t uncomfortable for her, but I think “trigger” is an incorrect term to use. I have issues with sounds or with being too close to people, and sometimes when I get way too overwhelmed I start to cry and need to excuse myself to someplace quiet and calm down, but those aren’t triggers. Those are sensory issues. And if someone makes a sexually explicit remark to you and you just feel a wave of nausea, that’s not a trigger, that’s reacting normally to a person being a rude creep. If you had straight up panic attacks or uncontrollable physical reactions to to said remark related to PTSD or another mental illness, that is a trigger. Sometimes the word “trigger warning” gets thrown around a lot, but you get the sense that people don’t know what it means, and there have been cases on tumblr where people use social justice terms and trigger warnings to police and bully other users. The feminist/lgbt/social justice/rights/whathaveyou movements are not a monolith, and although there’s people who agree on the term, they don’t necessarily agree on the definition or use it correctly.
I don’t think trigger warnings are necessarily people “playing the victim” or “trying to shield themselves from the world,” because in moderation trigger warnings can be important and useful. When you’ve undergone a trauma that causes you to have flashbacks, it’s important to be able to carve out a safe space for yourself where you can retreat to when things get too much. Of course, pretty much any therapy that treats PTSD will eventually involve coming into contact with the triggering stimulus, if only to break the association your brain has made between the stimulus and the traumatic event. You can’t hide in your safe house forever; sooner or later you’ll have to start taking steps to rejoin the world, however slow and painful progress might be. But trigger warnings do serve a purpose. It’s important for someone to be able to set up boundaries, and for people to be mindful of and respect those boundaries.
Regarding your experience with rape/assault, I don’t think we necessarily have the same definition of it. You seem to think of rape as an inherently violent crime, usually done by a stranger in a ski mask who hops out of the bushes with a knife. But to the hypothetical folks you describe, the issue lies not with the violence or force of the crime, but the fact that you were in an altered mental state. Someone who’s drunk can’t consent because their inhibitions have been lowered by chemicals, and they may not have made the same decision when they were sober. Of course, how it’s dealt with should be up to the person who experienced it. If you think it wasn’t a big deal and didn’t cause you harm, then perhaps it’s best to drop it. But if you were uncomfortable, you had every right to be uncomfortable, since those people were essentially taking advantage of you while you were unconscious. “Rape” also isn’t the correct legal term for experiences where forced penetration isn’t involved, it’s more like sexual or physical assault or verbal harassment, but a lot of MRAs seem to think that feminists call everything “rape” willy-nilly, which is not true.
Although women now have the right to vote and work, there are still a lot of messed up attitudes about sex and relationships that are holdovers from the time when women were essentially property. There’s this idea that all sexual contact must be spontaneous with no communication between partners whatsoever, otherwise it isn’t genuine, but a lot of women have been speaking up about how they aren’t comfortable with that. That’s especially true of inexperienced girls who are still figuring out what they want and don’t want. Feminists aren’t pushing for a victim culture or a strict way of having “correct” sex, but for better sexual etiquette that ensures all parties involved can communicate effectively and won’t have regrets later. Heck, the current construct of consent didn’t necessarily begin with feminism, but with the BDSM community, and it certainly hasn’t hampered their enjoyment. Of course, the idea of a safe sexual encounter where the boundaries are clearly established and you can stop at any time had a lot of appeal for women for very understandable reasons, hence why sexual rights activists began to co-opt the terms. And the same should go for men as well. Your body belongs to you, not to anyone else, and you should be the one who decides what happens to it. You shouldn’t have to apologize for setting boundaries, or feel ashamed and emasculated for saying “no.” A lot of cases of domestic violence or sexual abuse come from people not respecting these boundaries, or pressuring their partners into not having boundaries, so these can be tools to call a spade a spade and fight back before the situation gets any worse.
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I got so sick of engaging in fruitless Tumblr snipe-hunts that I finally wrote a bookmarklet to make it easier to search for sources. One click and you avoid the bad layouts and missing text of so many Tumblrs.
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What about a browser extension that allows rightclicking the image and sending it to Google Image Search? I don’t remember the exact name but it works fairly well.
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Oh I use a couple of those as well (both Google image and TinEye), but oftentimes the results will be clogged with the hundreds or thousands of reblogs on Tumblr. Plus there’s the “awesome” Tumblr habit of users screenshotting their dashboard and sharing that instead of the original image.
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Could sorting by time work? Look at the oldest matches first?
You’d think so, but it’s never been all that useful when I’ve had to go looking for something.
And anyways there’s more to Tumblr than images. Text is a bit easier to search for, but videos and sound files are nightmarish to find.
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Point taken.
