What's E.T. short for?


#81

Q: How do you get an elephant into a Safeway bag?
A: Take the S out of safe and the F out of way.

There's no F in way...

Exactly.


#82

Tuesday is the second day of the week. Sunday is the zeroth.


#83

Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Phillip Glass


#84

Q: Knock knock
A: Who's there?
Q: Infinite loop
A: Infinite loop who?
Q: Knock knock


#85

Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Banana!
Banana Who?
Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Banana!
Banana Who?
Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Banana!
Banana Who?
Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Orange!
Orange Who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?


#86

I just irritated my roomie by reading all of these out loud. @pesco, one might say I stuck my big foot in my mouth.


#87

That is a work of garrison keeler level brilliance.


#88

To be fair that's who I stole it from.


#89

A mother came out sedation after giving birth to fraternal twins.
Mom: "Doctor, doctor! Where's my husband? He's supposed to name the babies."
Doctor: "He couldn't make it, but his brother did."
Mom: "Him? He's an idiot! What did he name my girl?"
Doctor: "Denise."
Mom: "That's not so bad. What did he name the boy?"
Doctor: "Denephew."


#90

I actually heard that one from my grandfather like 40 years ago.


#91

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably ...dead."

He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!"

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, what did you expect?"


#92

A dog with one bandaged leg walks into a bar.

It says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


#93

Again, I have to IM @pesco
You have no idea how many friends and enemies this thread has made for me today. Thank you.


#94

You know what's good about elevator jokes?

They work on so many levels.


#95

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'.


#96

Finders, keepers. The bipedal can-opener was not owned by another sentient and intelligent being.


#97

And let’s not forget that pirates also like the β€œMedicine” section of a public library. Why? because it’s the Rrrrrr section:


#98

The week starts on Monday.


#99

yes but. defining the first day of the week as sunday is not that rare (blue), but monday is more common (yellow), green are countries with saturday. no idea why most of Africa is not marked in the map, looks more like a lazy map creator.

I am actually rather surprised, I knew about the US as exception but would have expected a map more like the metric system implementation


#100

I learned the days of the week as "Sunday, Monday, Tuesday...", and most calendars here in Canada seem to stick to that, with Sunday at the left side of the page thus:

To quote Wikipedia, "In the Judaic, some Christian, as well as in some Islamic tradition, Sunday has been considered the first day of the week."

ISO 8601, obviously created by joke-hating, humourless so-and-so's, decrees that Monday shall henceforth be the first day, so I suppose I must eventually retire my little jape, depriving future generations of children of yet another tiny bit of amusement. I hope you're satisfied. :wink: