What's E.T. short for?


Come in!


Why did the nun cross the road?

You try crossing yourself after getting hit by a bus!



Why did Einstein cross the road?

Einstein didn't cross the road, the road crossed Einstein





So. Isn't anyone going to reply, "Humongous who?" Don't leave me hanging. Help a bro' out!


So, I went to the dentist and he said "Say aaaaaaah."
I said "why?"
He said "My dog's just died."


Dad: "How do you pronounce [spelling it] t_o?"

Child (proud of her newly-won reading and spelling skills): "To"

Dad: "How do you pronounce t_o_o?"

Child: "Too."

Dad: How do you pronounce t_w_o?

Child: "Two."

Dad: "What's the second day of the week?"

Child (triumphantly avoiding the obvious trap): "TEWsday"

Dad: "No, Monday."


Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”


Pavlov is having a drink in a bar, when the phone rings.
He leaps up, and dashes for the door, shouting "Oh no, I forgot to feed the dogs!"


Where are average things built?
In the satisfactory.


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

'ell if I know.


Why did the mustard cross the road?

To ketchup with the mayo.


Did you hear about the cross-eyed schoolteacher?

He couldn’t control his pupils.


Did you hear about my friend who worked at the eyeglasses factory? He fell into the lens-grinding machine and made a sorry spectacle of himself.

Did you hear about the two bald headed men who put their heads together and made an ass of themselves?


Fine ... Humongous who?


Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.


Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.


I once farted in an echo chamber. I never heard the end of it.