What's E.T. short for?


#61

Come in!


#62

Why did the nun cross the road?

You try crossing yourself after getting hit by a bus!


#63


#64

Why did Einstein cross the road?

Einstein didn't cross the road, the road crossed Einstein


#65

Humongous…


#66

#67

So. Isn't anyone going to reply, "Humongous who?" Don't leave me hanging. Help a bro' out!


#68

So, I went to the dentist and he said "Say aaaaaaah."
I said "why?"
He said "My dog's just died."


#69

Dad: "How do you pronounce [spelling it] t_o?"

Child (proud of her newly-won reading and spelling skills): "To"

Dad: "How do you pronounce t_o_o?"

Child: "Too."

Dad: How do you pronounce t_w_o?

Child: "Two."

Dad: "What's the second day of the week?"

Child (triumphantly avoiding the obvious trap): "TEWsday"

Dad: "No, Monday."


#70

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”


#71

Pavlov is having a drink in a bar, when the phone rings.
He leaps up, and dashes for the door, shouting "Oh no, I forgot to feed the dogs!"


#72

Where are average things built?
In the satisfactory.


#73

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

'ell if I know.


#74

Why did the mustard cross the road?

To ketchup with the mayo.


#75

Did you hear about the cross-eyed schoolteacher?

He couldn’t control his pupils.


#76

Did you hear about my friend who worked at the eyeglasses factory? He fell into the lens-grinding machine and made a sorry spectacle of himself.

Did you hear about the two bald headed men who put their heads together and made an ass of themselves?


#77

Fine ... Humongous who?


#78

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.


#79

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.


#80

I once farted in an echo chamber. I never heard the end of it.