What's E.T. short for?


One of my favs.


“Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”


What is a pirates favorite salad green. Arrrrrugula.
What is a pirates favorite philosopher. Arrrrrrrrrristotle.
What is a pirates preferred method of DNA multiplication? PCArrrrrr.

What is a pirates favorite letter? R?

NO, You'd think it the arrrrr,

but you must remember a pirates true love, 'tis the C.


"µ" as in “you” as in “I’ve chosen YOU.” She decided to hook up with you, which meant moving in.


I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it.


An out-of-towner arrives in NYC, puts down his bags, says, “Wow! What a great town!” Looks down… and his bags are gone.

PS: I’m originally from there.


Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?

The survivors were marooned.


There’s a knock at a guy’s door. He opens it. Looks down and sees a snail. The snail says, “Hey. I wanna tell you something…” The guy grabs the snail and throws it out as far as he could. Two years later, same guy. A knock at his door. Opens it. It’s the snail, who says, “What the fuck was THAT all about?!”


Did you hear about the guy who took the shell off his racing snail to make it go faster? It just wound up being sluggish.


There are not enough snail jokes!


A snail goes to a car dealer to buy his first car. After hours of haggling with the salesman they almost have a deal. The snail tells the salesman he’ll buy the car if the dealership will paint a big ‘S’ on each door, the hood, and the trunk. The salesman confused but figures a sale is a sale so he okays it and the dealer’s shop paints a giant S on every side. The salesman starts to hand the snail the keys and tells him to enjoy his new ride, but just before he gives him the keys, he stops and asks why he wanted ‘S’s all over his car. The snail replies, “Buying this car means I’ve really made it, and when I drive around I want everyone in town to say “Look at that S car go!”


90 yr old man: “I just got married to an 18 year old beauty!”
His Friend: “Whoa. I foresee a death during the honeymoon.”
90 yr old man: “If she dies, she dies.”


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Control Freak.....Okay now YOUR supposed to say control freak who. Can you do it...can you...or do I have to all myself if I don't want it fucked up...oh god your worthless.


Knock Knock
Who's there.
Passive Aggressive
Passive Aggressive who?


I've got a great knock knock joke for you.

You start:


It was too far to go around.


Because the only available parking spot was across the street from her destination.


Why did the duck cross the road?

It was the chicken's day off.


Ok. I'll bite!

Knock Knock


Who's there?