What's E.T. short for?


Why is Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Classic conditioning.


Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?
To get to the same side.


It took me much longer to understand the punch line than I care to admit.


Why do giraffes have such long necks?

Because their heads are so far from their bodies.



They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They’re not laughing now.


A proud new father is at the hospital with his dad. The dad says, “Well son, now that you’re a father I think it’s time to give you this,” and hands him a copy of 1001 Dad Jokes. The son chokes up a little and says, “Dad, I’m honored.” The dad says, “Hi honored, I’m dad.”


I have never heard this before and it is excellent.


The chicken who?


I once had a kitten move into my apartment. No more than 12 weeks old, she just moved in. So I took her to the vet to get fixed. She was young and feral, but decided she was not going to live under the house. She came right in when I was leaving one day, walked right past me, all around the perimeter of the place and then sat down by the front door and sized me up. I asked her her name, and she said, very very clearly, µ!


I love you all.


Q: Who are the dirtiest animals in the barnyard?

A: Brown Chicken, Brown Cow


Son: Where are my sunglasses?
Dad: I don’t know…have you seen my dad glasses?



A polar bear walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender and says, “I’ll have a gin and…

tonic.” The bartender says, “Why the big pause?” The polar bear holds up his forelegs and shrugs, “I don’t know. I’ve always had them”.


We love you too. The quality of dad jokes here is only surpassed by…

Who the hell am I kidding. This is the greatest collection of dad jokes ever.


A caterpillar walks into a bar, and the bartender exclaims, “we have a drink named after you!”

The caterpillar calmly replies, “you have a drink named Murray?”


Termite walks into a bar and asks, is the bartender here?


Einstein, Plato, and Socrates walk into a bar. You’d think one of them would see it coming.


A pirate walks into a bar with a ship’s wheel attached to the front of his pants. He goes up to the bartender and orders himself a drink. After a long pause the bartender just has to ask:
Bartender - Hey what’s the deal with the wheel there?
Pirate - Yarrr, it’s drivin’ me nuts!