Which U.S. president would win in a massive knife fight?

[wrecksdart]

@shaddack

If plumbers, then pipe bombs!

FWIW, Nixon’s “plumbers” were better at getting caught in the act than they were of actually doing the job they were meant to do…

[metsuken]

@clevername

That takes a little time, if he is smarter and faster than you then yeah, he is going to win, same as any close in fight. You could say the same thing about blocking punches. In neither case are you supposed to stand there holding his wrist like a dumbass. Sure, the first rule of a knife fight is ‘you will get cut’ but it is a long way from that to saying that strength and size don’t matter and that there are no useful techniques to learn.

I think you’re misreading what I said. I didn’t say there weren’t any useful techniques to learn. I said there’s no guaranteed way to prevent a knife stab (whereas there are guaranteed ways to stop a punch or reverse a kimura grip). Knives are too unpredictable. It’s a small blade I can swirl around and cut you with even if I just have function of my wrists.

Second, height, strength, and size actually don’t matter when you lack the mental fortitude to stand up to the stress of a devoted attacker which is why I said Teddy and Andrew Jackson would come out on top, regardless of those traits. It’s because they fulfill the three most important criteria of committed, smart, and aggressive. Even if they were pitted against each other, they wouldn’t be intimidated by the other.

@anon67050589

I agree with your conclusion, but feel the need to point out that there are other ways to survive knife attacks. The ability to outrun your opponent, and/or put something big and non-cuttable (like a door) between you, are both known solutions.

Although as you say, if someone is actually trained to be a killer-with-a-blade, you’re SOL at that point.

In my mind, I just assumed a cage match with no foreign objects. That would completely change the criteria. Like if you were to ask me who would win in a no-holds-barred deathmatch between Hafthór Júlíus Björnsson (I still can’t believe that dude is only 27) and Cristiano Ronaldo, of course The Mountain would win. He’d be able to crush Ronaldo’s throat like a water bottle.

But if it was some open environment, then I’d put my money on Ronaldo running away to find a gun or something and win. Or he’d wait until Bjornsson got tired and break his goddamn neck with a GTFO Real Madrid kick.

[wrecksdart]

Then, even though it might be AB vs DQ, DQ would probably get lost in the building first.

“I know I saw a sign for the potat…for the pota…for the vegetable fight…”

[anon50609448]

@metsuken

In my mind, I just assumed a cage match with no foreign objects.

Back in university, when there was a ape vs. tiger argument or a how-many-four-year-olds-could-you-take argument, often someone would start arguing about some kind of extraneous factor. We would remind them that death matches always take place in the featureless white deathmatch room.

[GiantRobotPilot]

I’d like to see an alternate rule that says that presidents who were slave owners could add two slaves to their team. I think that would put Jackson over the top.

[anon50609448]

Well, if Jackson gets credit then yes he might “win”, but on the other hand two of his slaves with knives might put him as a severe underdog to make it out alive.

[Brainspore]

@GiantRobotPilot

I’d like to see an alternate rule that says that presidents who were slave owners could add two slaves to their team.

“Hey, you two—guys I own! We’re in a fight to the death in which only one person can survive. Take these knives and go stab President Lincoln. Why are you looking at me that way?”

[shaddack]

@anon50609448

We would remind them that death matches always take place in the featureless white deathmatch room.

The best deathmatches happen on an infinite frictionless plane in vacuum.

[dave_b]

So the winner is whoever can hold their breath longest.

[clevername]

@metsuken

Second, height, strength, and size actually don’t matter when you lack the mental fortitude to stand up to the stress of a devoted attacker which is why I said Teddy and Andrew Jackson would come out on top, regardless of those traits. It’s because they fulfill the three most important criteria of committed, smart, and aggressive. Even if they were pitted against each other, they wouldn’t be intimidated by the other.

I think you underestimate the fact that various other presidents have personally participated in some of the worst fighting in U.S. history. Some of them may have killed men with knives. I doubt a man who served with distinction at Antietam (McKinley), on the Western Front (Truman), or had two horses shot out from under him and four bullet holes in his coat in a single battle (Washington) would freeze up in a knife attack.

[nemomen]

The ideal presidential knife fight would involve perfectly spherical presidents on an infinite frictionless plane in a vacuum.

[art_carnage]

@singletona082

The problem is Abe Lincoln has stupidly insane reach and has actually dueled with swords.

Plus all the vampire hunting.

[clevername]

Well, then my money is on Taft.

[metsuken]

@clevername

I think you underestimate the fact that various other presidents have personally participated in some of the worst fighting in U.S. history. Some of them may have killed men with knives. I doubt a man who served with distinction at Antietam (McKinley), on the Western Front (Truman), or had two horses shot out from under him and four bullet holes in his coat in a single battle (Washington) would freeze up in a knife attack.

When Jackson was 13, a British officer slash him in the face for refusing to clean his boots. He nearly starved to death as a British POW and was orphaned a year later when his mother and all of his brothers died. He then went on to fight in some of the bloodiest battles in the War of 1812 and the First Seminole War.

Teddy commanded the Rough Riders, and not only that, he enjoyed all the war and violence.

Out of the three you mentioned, McKinley was the most likely to have been involved in close combat. I don’t think Truman was ever part of a trench charge and Washington, as you pointed out, was mostly wounded by gunfire which would mean he wouldn’t have been part of a melee.

Guns have a vastly different psychological impact than knives. A guy holding a rifle is not gonna be grabbing at your coat and shaking it furiously.