I think men tend to identify strongly with groups where they feel accepted and useful. For that reason, I’d say it’s really important to get boys to associate with people outside of their own demographic. As a teenager, I had a number of friends who were women between about 45 and 80. They were family friends, but we’d see them every week at church and they would come to our house for the afternoon. If they needed help with anything, my brothers and I would do what we could. They were the only friends who flew to the US for my wedding. I left my faith in 2007, but whenever I’m in the UK I go to see them and we still talk on Skype sometimes. (This is just one example, the church was fairly representative of society apart from the fact that there were more women). When I’ve been to (larger) churches in the US, the trend seems to be to have smaller groups that are often based on where you are in life - teens, young couples, families, singles, older people etc. Even the main service is split, so older people often go to the service with traditional hymns while young people have a more contemporary worship service. Small groups are good and often it’s worth getting together with people who have similar experiences and interests to you, but I think as people who often have less to worry about in life, young men should spend a lot more time getting to know people who aren’t also young men, as well as supporting them without being paid in return.
I see some good indications where I live, although obviously I’m not denying that there are plenty of negatives too. I go past a middle school on my way to my daughter’s kindergarten, and you see a good number of mixed groups rather than boys and girls being separate. The boys seem respectful and will point out if my daughter is losing her glove or something. Our local adventure playground has equipment for toddlers up to teenagers, so my kids may be playing on the swings while the older kids do some woodwork or fix bikes. We have a meal all together every Friday, and the older kids will often help the younger ones to prepare the food. Recently they role played working in a restaurant, and the teenage boys took over the preparation and worked as waiters for everyone else. They’re still allowed to be boys and they spend plenty of time together away from the younger kids, but they are an important part of the group and we trust them.
I think role models are also important - where you see men around you cooking, looking after kids, treating women with respect, not putting up emotional barriers etc., it isn’t seen as an un-masculine thing. Rather than feeling less of a man, you notice how psychologically damaging more extreme models are (to men, as well as the women they meet). Kids learn from the example they’re given, so rather than doubting whether men can be feminists, I’d say that there’s only a limited extent to which female feminists can be successful without men (not that men should be in charge, but that their role is important).
@tachin1 I agree with a lot of what you wrote, but I think changing the context can mean that people have different ideas of what a ‘real man’ looks like. It doesn’t necessarily take away entitlement, but it can remove barriers to moving in that direction and mean that society is controlled by more representative voices; while men and women are different in a number of ways, I don’t think we’re necessarily that different or incompatible.
