And no better versssse could end thisss sssong. I am shamed, for my mocking jessst of my true friend and ally’ss proud name. Let no man, lizard, or ssssilicon-souled android ever dub him “Pantiesss” again. In itss stead, we should hoissst high our sssteinss and mugss and drinking-ssskullsss and quartsss of 30-weight, and lift our multitudinousss voicesss in sssong, praising his name to the ssstarry heavenss:
Underpants! Underpants, hey!
{Beeeellllcccchhhh}
I feel an Epic Ballad coming on.
Ahem.
I sing of Captain Wilco, known as Roger to his mum!
His ship, Aluminum Mallard was as shiny as they come.
Until that last contract he flew with Tiny at his side,
He took on Adélie’s Desert Jewel, lost atmosphere, and died.
O hear the tale of Bongo Fury, Beefheart was her Cap’n,
Until a gangster toad (or lizard?) caught the Bongo nappin’.
As fearsome as the fight that day was typed in every log,
The sorry truth was that Beefheart was bested by a frog.
Behold the Cepheus Maiden fair, most lustrous in the void!
Her skipper was Thrummel Carfax, stalwart and doughty 'droid.
There derelict she floats, hulled through by Rangers from Aurora,
And drifting, cold, devoid of spark, a dark Electro-Fedora.
Das Boot was run with what seemed like efficiency Teutonic,
But that’s because her Captain’s soul was mostly electronic.
Brave Lenar Belox fought for vengeance 'gainst that Captain Pedge,
But Tiny’s cause was futile, and they sailed right o’er The Edge.
Hobar! Hobar! Mighty Hobar! PingPing Pandan’s ship
Was first among us brave enough to take The Final Trip.
With cargo hold stuffed ceiling-high with ordnance to sell,
Her attitudinal dampeners failed, and blew her ass to Hell.
The life of Marshal Paul Seldon of Ironclad Cochrane fame
Shall someday grace a bookshelf next to elders of his name.
But he turned Coalition after sharing our fine beer.
He donned a badge, and fought 'gainst us… and now he isn’t here.
The Iron Giant, oddly named, was Captain Hogarth’s ride
Until the day he escorted Brad Nebula inside.
A Gee-Two Forty-Three Eleven 'bot came on the screen,
And Brad, aboard the only escape pod, did flee the scene.
The Nitimeistheritime wasn’t just a catchy motto,
But Captain Dr.Esstimpress unfortunately flew that ship while blotto.
Defending Pedge 'gainst Tiny’s fleet, the Doctor faced Das Boot,
Which turned out well, if you enjoy a cold outer-space float.
O make an effort to pronounce Nordstjärnan if you can,
And quaff or sip or spill a drop for Lönnrot, android-man.
He fought to free Charybdis from the I.C.U.P. yoke,
And perished bravely, since his Shields were kinda just a joke.
Pillar of Autumn, repurposed from UNSC wars,
Served Captain Saurodroid in voyages to distant shores.
'Tis strange that Covenant warships could never take her out,
But unstable cargo went boom! Space junk now? Just about.
The Slightly More Than Ordinary spent some days adrift,
With no action and naught to do in the Orion Rift.
When Captain Hot, Earl Grey, decided to engage the Ranger,
He met his fate before the guns of that bastard Hawk Granger.
Zhe Shadow Pacifist is alphabetically last,
Though we mourn no less for the fact that she is sadly passed.
Damianus Iulianus (Android), and Brad Nebula.
One still lives. The other… well, we found this steel fibula…
Our fallen friends! Our brothers bold! We sing your Epic Tale!
And may your souls and subroutines be safe beyond the Veil!
And if the barkeep will be kind enough to fill my flagon,
I’ll drink to those who served and died aboard Badass Space Dragon!
hic
“Gilligan, take over. I gotta hit the head.”
“Thir, why don’t you lithp when you thing?”
“Fuck if I know, lieutenant. Ssscrewsss up the sssscansion, I guesss. Outta my way before I make a messs on your shoesss.”
