“Let’s see, here, it says that you are petitioning to be tried as a minor for your crimes listed here.”
“Yes sir, I identify as 16, which makes me a minor.”
“I see, and it says here you live in Shady Acres home for retired people, ages 55 and up?”
“Yes sir, at the time I applied to live there I identified as 65.”
“And it says here you currently are on a fixed income, collecting Social Security.”
“Yes sir, as I have applied to be registered as retired to begin collecting my social security benefits.”
“But it also lists here you are employed?”
“Yes, from 8:30am to 5pm, Monday through Friday, I identify as 40 years old and work at Hot Rod’s Used Car Emporium.”
“So in the details of this case, it has here your statement of the events of the day, starting with picking up your 16 year old girlfriend at or around noon.”
“Yes sir. And while that may seem odd to some folks, I was identified as 16 at the time.”
“It says here you then proceeded to Big Tony’s Liquor, purchased wine coolers, vodka, and 7-Up and a bag of ice?”
“Yes, I was identified as 21 at the time.”
“You then proceeded to Enterprise Rent A Car and rented a red Mustang, is that correct?”
“Yes, I identified as 40 at that time so I could get a better discount. But it was a special occasion and I wanted something nice for our day trip.”
“From there you crossed the state lines with a minor and proceeded to a bed and breakfast?”
“Well, at the time, she identified as 21. So she wasn’t a minor.”
“But you were 16?”
“No, at that time, during the drive, I was 25.”
“And you then proceeded to Mulberry Hill Bed and Breakfast, enjoyed a dinner, retired to your room, engaged in underage drinking with a minor, then proceeded to have sex with a minor.”
“Well, not exactly. At the time we were drinking, we were both identified as being 21. When we decided to make love we both identified as 16.”
“So you were 21 while drinking, but 16 while having sex? Why not just remain 21 during sex?”
“It’s hotter that way.”
“So what is your actual, chronological age?”
“Age ain’t nothing but a number, sir.”
The court deliberation and ensuing judgements from this and other cases lead to the destruction of society. Now toddlers were running Fortune 500 companies as tyrants. 70 year old with dementia were learning the alphabet in kindergartens. People who’s only experience driving was playing Mario Cart on the Wii were now legally on the road. And chaos reigned…
