Holy shit. I had no idea Jack Handey was an actual person. And I think he had a big part in molding my sense of humor.
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A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender greets them with a gruff, “We don’t serve your kind here!”
Taken aback, the priest stutters, “Wh…which of us are you saying that to?”
The bartender just glares at them and without a word taps the “No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service” sign on the wall behind him.
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I’ve got so many daft elephant jokes. Here’s a handful:
Why do elephants paint their balls red?
So they can hide in cherry trees without being noticed.
How can you tell if there’s an elephant in your fridge?
Footprints in the butter.
How can you tell if an elephant is throwing a party in your fridge?
There’s a motorbike parked outside.
Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
So they can hide upside-down in custard without being noticed.
What’s the loudest noise in the jungle?
Monkey eating cherries.
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Doctor, I can’t stop singing in the jungle,
How often do you get these episodes?
I find they’re just a whim away…
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Oh!
and I thought I had had half an original idea…
always had this “about” on WA since the day I signed up.
(translation: Greek mythology has always been my Achilles’ knee)
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A guy goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, it hurts when I raise my arm like this.”
The doctor says, “I’m sorry, but that’s not covered by your insurance. I’m not even allowed to tell you what’s wrong with your arm. Would you care for some opioids?”
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Reminds me of one I learned a while back:
How do you know there’s an elephant under your bed?
Your nose touches the ceiling when you sleep.
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Any person who created Toonces the Cat and Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer should be lauded.
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Apparently he got that a lot; for years anyone who checked his ID would say “oh, like the character who says those inspirational bits on SNL!” and he’d (often unsuccessfully) try to convince them that yes, that was him.
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I should really write him a letter to thank him while he’s still alive, but
@hecep that was supposed to reply to your comment but I messed up. I’d try to figure out if there’s a way to correct it, but…see above.
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I was at an Indian restaurant yesterday, and I was gonna get chicken tikka, but the waiter said, ‘you should get tarka instead’. So I asked him what it was like.
‘Its like chicken tikka, but a little otter’.
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A guy walks into a bar, puts down his huge duffel bag and orders a drink.
The barman sees that the bag is moving, and says, ‘what you got in there?’
So, the guy sighs, rolls his eyes and pulls out a tiny piano and a matching stool, then snaps his fingers.
A tiny man crawls out of the bag, sits at the piano and starts playing.
The barman says ‘that’s amazing, where the fuck did you find him?’
The guy sighs again, reaches in the bag and pulls out a magic lamp.
The barman says ‘wow, can I have a go?!’, and the guy replies, ‘sure, knock yourself out’.
So, the barman rubs the lamp, and says, ‘I want a million pounds!’
A few minutes pass, and there’s the sound of barking getting louder and louder til it’s eventually rattling the windows.
The barman looks out, and there’s foxhounds everywhere, all trying to make it into the pub.
The barman says, shit, I asked for a million POUNDS! Is this genie deaf, or what?', and the guy replies, ‘Deaf? OF COURSE he’s fucking deaf, you twat. D’you really think I asked for a twelve-inch pianist, for fuck’s sake?’
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A squirrel was sitting in his fir tree one day when it starting shaking. He looked down to see an elephant climbing the tree.
“What are you doing?” he cried to the elephant.
“Climbing this tree to eat bananas,” said the elephant.
“You idiot,” said the squirrel, “This is a fir tree, there’s no bananas!”
“That’s OK,” said the elephant, “I brought my own.”
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Lance isn’t a very common name nowadays, but in mediaeval times, people were named Lance a lot
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Remember, if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
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Why do white bears dissolve in water?
Because they’re polar
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That’s cold.
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