Why does that kind of respect, and that kind of attempt to instill self-respect, run so against the grain of so much parenting? Thats kind of a rhetorical question, because I blame the patriarchy and a symptom of it – toxic masculinity-- but then, I imagine there is more to it.
Well hey, i certainly think you can claim credit, for sincerely enacting that idea. AND for maintaining that stance across the years, AND for communicating with your children about it all. I mean damn, I wish my parents had been that thoughtful and careful (not that they even really knew how to spell out such things about their own behavior and its motives).
We did the same. We also say things like “your body, your rules.” And “we won’t touch you when you don’t want us to unless it’s needed for your health or safety.”
We also shut down any attempt by relatives to coerce hugs and back her up with words and actions when she doesn’t want hugs. We do the same with her cousins, we ask if we can have a hug. Gave her a script for a daycare kid who wasn’t leaving her alone and what to do if they didn’t stop. Talk about who is allowed to touch her where and what to do if a touch makes her feel icky. Also to respect other people when they say no.
Everything we can think of and read about. We’d do the same thing if she was a boy (she’s very clear she’s a girl).
Every kid needs this kind of thing. To understand themselves and consent. Even little kids can understand consent
That’s amazing. I think it’s so much harder with daughters because it feels to me like society is already primed to invade their space and ignore them. When boys assert their body space, people are socially primed to respect that. So it works earlier, easier, and oftener for boys? But I have only boys, so I have no experience with raising daughters into that. With my niece, her parents did stuff along the lines of what you describe, so she had an easy time with us (I hope). But we didn’t see her as often, so I don’t know. She identifies as pan, I’m told, and is fairly shy and is good and asserting her autonomy.
It’s horribly normalized as “harmless fun,” but what it does is enact and demonstrate masculine control over others’ bodies, and teach those others their (supposed) helplessness.