The weirdest/worst bathroom thing I ever had to deal with — aside from predictably bad situations like music festival portapotties: Working as a barback at a small club. Customer tells me one of the toilets isn’t flushing right. Doesn’t seem to be stopped up, the lever just isn’t working right. Opened up the tank and in there amongst the works… a large turd mummified in toilet paper.
I’d seen drunken upper-deckers before, but this is baffling to this day, lo these many years later. Someone, somehow, for some reason, had the presence of mind to:
- Put down a layer of TP, presumably on the floor.
- Take a dump onto the TP.
- Carefully cocoon it, like a spider’s prey.
- Take the flowers off the toilet tank.
- Open the tank.
- Deposit wrapped poop packet.
- Close the tank.
- Replace the flowers.
- Wash hands, hopefully.
So this wasn’t some drunk stumbling around with his pants around his knees, and it wasn’t someone trying to make my life as unpleasant as possible (or they wouldn’t have bothered with the paper, just shat directly into the tank.) There was almost a ritual aspect to it, like finding a decapitated rooster nailed to the barn door.
I fully expect to go to my grave still mystified.