Anonymous funeral director explains the big con behind the industry, coffins, and embalming

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GOOD magazine created a great little video on the business of death: http://youtu.be/J9PKO5WyPpg

Thanks for the reminder.

Iā€™ll make a checklist of specific procedures and expenses to follow when some of my relatives or I die.

[Just because weā€™re bereaved doesnā€™t make us saps!][1]
[1]: http://youtu.be/vKjBFsyYC0g

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Maybe, maybe not. Someone who claims to be a funeral director is pretty key here. Interestingly enough I know a few funeral directors and none of them use the term ā€œmutilationā€ for embalming, might be that this particular poster has an axe to grind or whatever. Also not entirely sure how the phase ā€œbig conā€ applies here but thats just the tabloid headline nature of Boing Boing.

Actually, this is pretty much stuff Iā€™d heard before. Jessica Mitfordā€™s The American Way of Death (first published in 1963) makes many of the same claims which were still true when I read the book in 1993 and I wouldnā€™t be surprised that theyā€™re still true now.

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Where I live, the funeral homes lobby tried to get a law passed that would have forbidden people from keeping their deceased onesā€™s ahses. Their spokespersonā€™s explainations as to why we needed such a law were ridiculous. Things like ā€œpeople are doing whatever they want with their ashes and itā€™s absolute chaos!ā€

Of course, they wanted to make sure that every single sucker out there would be forced to rent a space for the urn.

Also, On Death and Dying, 1969. Back then, a lot of unnecessary stuff was required by law, but I think thatā€™s changed. I guess itā€™s also a matter of state and local law.

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Heck, forget 1969, letā€™s talk 1883.

Mark Twain writes about the funeral trade and its avarice in Life On The Mississippi.

Then, with a confidential wink, a dropping of the voice, and an
impressive laying of his hand on my arm; ā€˜Look here; thereā€™s one thing
in this world which isnā€™t ever cheap. Thatā€™s a coffin. Thereā€™s one
thing in this world which a person donā€™t ever try to jew you down on.
Thatā€™s a coffin. Thereā€™s one thing in this world which a person donā€™t
sayā€”ā€œIā€™ll look around a little, and if I find I canā€™t do better Iā€™ll
come back and take it.ā€ Thatā€™s a coffin. Thereā€™s one thing in this
world which a person wonā€™t take in pine if he can go walnut; and wonā€™t
take in walnut if he can go mahogany; and wonā€™t take in mahogany if he
can go an iron casket with silver door-plate and bronze handles.
Thatā€™s a coffin. And thereā€™s one thing in this world which you donā€™t
have to worry around after a person to get him to pay for. And thatā€™s
a coffin. Undertaking?ā€”why itā€™s the dead-surest business in
Christendom, and the nobbiest.ā€™

ā€¦

'Well, in ordinary times, a person dies, and we lay him up in ice; one
day two days, maybe three, to wait for friends to come. Takes a lot of
itā€”melts fast. We charge jewelry rates for that ice, and war-prices
for attendance. Well, donā€™t you know, when thereā€™s an epidemic, they
rush 'em to the cemetery the minute the breathā€™s out. No market for
ice in an epidemic. Same with Embamming. You take a family thatā€™s able
to embam, and youā€™ve got a soft thing. You can mention sixteen
different ways to do itā€”though there ainā€™t only one or two ways, when
you come down to the bottom facts of itā€”and theyā€™ll take the
highest-priced way, every time. Itā€™s human natureā€”human nature in
grief. It donā€™t reason, you see. Time being, it donā€™t care a dam. All
it wants is physical immortality for deceased, and theyā€™re willing to
pay for it. All youā€™ve got to do is to just be caā€™m and stack it
upā€”theyā€™ll stand the racket. Why, man, you can take a defunct that you
couldnā€™t give away; and get your embamming traps around you and go to
work; and in a couple of hours he is worth a cool six hundredā€”thatā€™s
what heā€™s worth. There ainā€™t anything equal to it but trading rats for
diā€™monds in time of famine. Well, donā€™t you see, when thereā€™s an
epidemic, people donā€™t wait to embam. No, indeed they donā€™t; and it
hurts the business like hell-th, as we sayā€”hurts it like hell-th,
health, see?ā€”Our little joke in the trade.

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I want to do that pressure cooker with lye thing that was on here a while back (like a year maybe, to lazy to search now). But instead of pulverizing my left over bones I want to will my skull to my childrenā€¦ Creepy and AWESOME.

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I remember being really shocked at the level of up-sell pressure my father and uncles and I got when my Grammy died. I donā€™t know that itā€™s, like, this big secret (except in the sense that thereā€™s probably only once or twice in your life that you end up experiencing it, so it can feel like a hidden surprise), but itā€™s definitely sketchy. Trying to talk sobbing people into fancier pillows for their dead bodies must be a job thatā€™s either soul-sucking in the extreme or appealing to assholes, or both.

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Also not entirely sure how the phase ā€œbig conā€ applies here but thats just the tabloid headline nature of Boing Boing.

Well itā€™s pretty ā€œbigā€ because everybody dies.

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I find it ironic that the character says, ā€œThereā€™s one thing in this world which a person donā€™t ever try to jew you down on. Thatā€™s a coffin.ā€ Jews traditionally are buried in the cheapest pine boxes; I never thought it was about being cheap so much as recognizing that life is over and there is no point in glorifying a dead body. I actually love the Jewish funeral practices for this reason that itā€™s kind of a standard, very plain funeral and so it prevents you from having to make decisions during your grief. Iā€™m sure there are many who find a way to be extravagant nonetheless, but to me it is very cool to just have it be so prescribed what is supposed to happen.

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Iā€™ve talked with mortician and they were talking about cremation and how they donā€™t do it in house. They farm it out for around $150 but charged close to $1,500 for the service and basic Urn.

I canā€™t recommend this book enough. I read it 12 years ago in college, and Iā€™m confident that eventually that class will pay for itself by introducing me to that book.

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While Iā€™m sure this has become more common due to the corporate consolidation of family funeral homes, not all funeral directors are like that. I come from a funeral home family and they never pulled any of that shit. They wouldnā€™t try to sell a poor person an expebsive casket. we had quite a few pine boxes over the years. They would give you the ashes in the plastic box from the crematorium. Donā€™t want a hearse and instead are going to chain the casket to the back of a flat bed truck with kegs of beer for his biker buddies? No problem. Some funeral directors do actually care and having to comfort greiving families day in and day out is a difficult job that wears on you.

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Yeah, I experienced this when my mother died. The upselling by the people at the funeral home disgusted me. I tried to gently talk to my father about all of this, but it didnā€™t work. I know my mothers wish was (at different times) for donation to science or cremation, but my father insisted on a burial. The upscale interiors she will rot in, and the ā€˜guaranteed 100 year sealedā€™ sarcophagus with the decorative pink top really disturbed me.
How are you going to collect on the guaranteed sealed sarcophagus unless the whole thing collapses and leaves a sinkhole anyway?
And what is the point of sealing someone away from decomposition, and putting yourself in debt to do it, too.

Thankfully, my dad and one of my uncles are both skeptical, sarcastic guys who have no problem dealing with grief through the liberal application of side-eye and smart-ass remarks. They left us alone about the time we started snickering about the sports-team themed caskets.

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American funerals need more strippers.

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