Continuing the discussion from Letter from Mark Twain to a snake oil peddler: “You, sir, are the scion of an ancestral procession of idiots stretching back to the Missing Link”:
I do so love this stuff, especially by writers who really know how to savor their opprobrium.
Here’s a pair of letters my wife’s grandfather Dalton Trumbo sent to the Los Angeles Telephone Signal Company back in 1948, from his somewhat remote ranch in Frazier Park. Apparently he’d already had some unsatisfactory dealings with the outfit. The baby he mentions is my mother-in-law, all of three years old at the time. At the time of these letters, Trumbo had been blacklisted and unable to work openly for some eleven months since the Waldorf Statement.
Lazy T Ranch
Frazier Park, California
November 8, 1948
Dear burglars:
Our baby sleeps in one bedroom and we sleep in another. When she yelps at night we cannot hear her. A man said you were the people to see about such things.
Can you install a speaker in her room and one in ours, so we can gossip back and forth with her during the wee small hours? Not one of your solid gold outfits. Something sensible and serviceable. I am not a rich man anymore.
The distance along the floorboards from her room to ours is no more than seventy-five feet; and if you go through the roof, it will be much less.
Now let’s all get together and see if we can arrange a decent, modest little outfit for an old customer without screwing him to death in the process.
Irritably yours,
Dalton Trumbo
A week later, having received a less-than-satisfactory reply, Trumbo responded thus:
Lazy T Ranch
Frazier Park, California
November 15, 1948
My dear Mr. Fourness:
Your letter has arrived and been put to the only sensible use I could think of. When we Reds come into power we are going to shoot merchants in the following order: (1) those who are greedy, and (2) those who are witty. Since you fall into both categories it will be a sad story when we finally lay hands on you.
I had hoped time might have improved your character, but the prices you quote convince me otherwise. You still cannot imagine a happy moment which does not find your fist in somebody else’s pocket. Since I have very little choice in the matter, I must yield.
Send the set described and with it a man for installation. I have no intention of creeping about the house on all fours with a wire in one hand, a hammer in the other and my larynx clogged with tacks. Besides, I want the wire to go through the ceiling, and unlike your associates I am no second-story man. Also, let’s arrange for a weekday job. There is no urgency about the matter, and I have little taste for that weekend overtime racket.
The bill should be sent to my new business manager, whose name is Rex Cole… I have employed him because he hates creditors and does not pay them too promptly. You will feel better over Thanksgiving and Christmas if you have something to look forward to during the hangover period which follows; and I tell you quite frankly that it will probably be sixty days before you get your money. Considering what you’ve done to me, I ought to make you wait the full nine months.
Naturally I hope this will be the last time I shall be obliged to do business with you, although I daresay the junk you’ve pushed off on me will soon begin to wear out and we shall have to start the whole weary routine over again. Please extend my good wishes for the holiday season to everyone in the thuggery.
Cordially,
Dalton Trumbo
Anyone else read (or written) any good ones lately?