Bizarre, paranoid warning about imaginary predators choosing victims through bumper-sticker-ology

It’s a weird thing to brag about. “Look! I accomplished the same thing that the cast of ‘16 and Pregnant’ did!”

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I always thought that the stick figures with names on them were a rather stupid thing (not that the plain ones aren’t stupid) since it does give a person info that could make an abduction much easier…

Hey Hannah. John (er, I mean your dad) was just in an accident -- I'm supposed to take you to the hospital. Your mom is picking up Billy.
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Land of the afraid, home of the paranoid.

I love that this is spreading on FaceBook. No privacy issues there.

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A misguided notion that the stickers can pose a danger to you.

However these guys mean well; they deal with missing people all day every day:

So they get a little slack here.

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According to the logic of the warning, predators should be easily frightened away by simply adding a superhero or killer robot decal to the lineup.

But really, to throw them off the scent, all you’d actually have to do is this:

Right?

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Well, from molesters. BUT NOT ROBBERS.

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This is the “medical advice from a nurse” problem. Because these people deal with the emergencies all of the time, they start to think that the emergencies are common and start to become paranoid.

“Oh my god, we had three kids in here last week with severe peanut allergies! New recommendation: no peanuts for kids until they are 5.” But ignoring the hundreds of thousands of kids for whom this is ridiculous advice.

Stranger Danger type abductions are so remote that changing your lifestyle to avoid them is like living your entire life underground because you’re afraid of getting killed by a meteor strike.

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I did point out that lots of houses get robbed because the bad guys read obituaries, and will knock your house off while you’re at the funeral home. I then asked if we should stop publishing death notices.

That didn’t go over well either.

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I wonder what my pirate flag tells would-be robber molesters.

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Your stance on global warming.

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Oooohhhh, stick-figure baby… Some pervert is drooling right now, just seeing this warning poster! Run!

You know what? Idiotic or not, if this little piece of paranoia will keep people from putting these annoying stickers all over their cars, I’m all for it.

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Ian Shoales had a rant titled “Hearts on Bumper Stickers.” This is entirely from memory, and you have to imagine it being rapidly delivered in agitated and hypercaffeinated fashion, but it went something like this:

“I heart NY – I heart SF – I heart my dog’s head… You love New York, so what? You love your dog, who cares? Did you used to hate your dog before you got the I heart my dog’s head bumper sticker and now you love the mangy beast? Do you even have a damn dog? Why do you want to share this information with the car behind you? Why not just roll down the window and yell, ‘I love my dog?’ At least there’d be some passion! Not this dim-witted graphic equivalent of baby talk… Get those hearts off your bumper, and back on your sleeve. I gotta go.”

(Those who used to watch The Cutting Edge on M-TV might remember this)

Watch out for @maggiek

I wonder what my pirate flag tells would-be robber molesters.

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Man, why so much hate on the silly stick figure stickers? I don’t want them on my car, but I really give zero fucks about what other people do to decorate their cars.

Most bizarre version of the stick figure stickers that I’ve seen: my friend’s wife has stick figure stickers for the two of them, and all of their pets. And every time one of their pets dies (they’ve lost a couple cats and a rabbit, now, if memory serves), they get an “angel” version of the animal sticker to represent the dead pet.

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Thanks for the warning about those stickers.

I cover my license plates with duct tape and have my kids hide down in the floor of the car, just in case some prevert or burglar is watching. Can’t be too safe.

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Why? They seem to think the stickers are calling them “useless overgrown kids who really ought to stop hogging the grass with their desperately fun kickball and start meaningfully contributing to our society.

The stickers aren’t doing that. The stickers are for the family and their friends. Full disclosure - I’m saying that. But not with stickers.

I can think of where this happened: The Trinity Killer (John Lithgow) used it in an episode of Dexter to abduct a child.

Oh, you mean when this has happened in a non-fictional way?

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OMG, I never thought about meteor strikes before! BRB, digging a really deep hole.