Jesus. You poor bastard. How long till you run amok and murder them all?
The time for amok has already begun, I’m afraid. All of our conference rooms are named after New Jersey celebrities. About two weeks ago, a member of the executive team issued a fiat that renamed the Queen Latifah conference room to the James Gandolfini conference room. This caused quite the scandal at the company (after all, changing the name on the only conference room named in honor of a woman or a black person to pay homage to a fat, old white dude who’s most famous for playing a racist, misogynistic criminal seems a bit off).
Late that night, after all of the other employees had made tracks for their warm, peaceful homes, I used a fake office intranet account named “Funshine Bear” to post a comment in a thread on the company intranet about the renaming, saying that solving the problem was a job for “ALL the Care Bears! CARE BEARS STARE!” And then I tiptoed around the office, replacing the framed pictures of celebrities on each conference room door with framed pictures of Care Bears. Gandolfini became Grumpy Bear. Yogi Berra became Bedtime Bear. Bruce Springsteen became Funshine Bear. Frank Sinatra became Brave Heart Lion.
Mass confusion. Was this simply a prank? Was another executive edict delivered to change the names to cuddly cartoon bears? By the following Monday, when people attempted to book conference rooms, other folks were correcting them to use the proper Care Bear name. One executive was getting increasingly unhappy because they hadn’t been changed back. I mean, real rage-ball-red face and everything. I looked him straight in the eye and said, totally deadpan, “Not for nothing, [Executive Name], but the Care Bears are about love, not anger.”
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