The truth is that the women my age that I meet aren’t really into anything at all. Not seriously anyway.
Sometimes, I’ll try to throw a piece of trash into the bin without looking, usually with lots of people to witness my attempt. When I miss, you’ll inevitably hear me say:
“But I’d have looked so cool if I’d made the shot.” Then walk over, pick up the piece of paper and drop it in the bin. I might leave the room with a big stupid grin on my big red face.
Sometimes I make guesses that turn out to be wrong too, I’ll make one now:
I’m pretty sure that the impression you have of women your age is superficial. Not because I don’t believe that there are people that can be shallow but because saying that they aren’t seriously into anything sounds to me like another way to say their interests are vapid since most people are really into something, even if it is just themselves.
I’m not going to pretend the women I meet are more interesting than they are. Disguise of every sort is my abhorrence.
What I said is accurate to my experience. Maybe it’s due to factors that are particular to me. Who knows. But I’m not going to sugar coat my experiences.
I’ll give you mixed points. I’m in the Navy (probably has a lot to do with this) and I stand watch for hours at a time with both men and women. Guys are always always always heavily into something. Even if it’s stuff I’m not into like video games or sports or drinking or cars. They know a lot about some topic or another. Even if I’m not into Call of Duty I can at least have a reasonable conversation for a while with some guy who is.
I don’t know what the reason is but trying to have an in depth conversation with a less-than-middle-aged woman is like pulling teeth for me. Shit usually ends in bored silence.
I am… On the spectrum, so to speak. And I seriously don’t mean to offend people who recognize what those words can mean in different contexts.
Personally, I have done two things: make friends, or marry someone. I am going on a date tomorrow night, and even though I know the person and they are incredible, it is likely gonna be just friends.
So I guess what I am saying is we understand. Cold comfort, for sure. Just keep your head about you (japhroaig, you hypocrite!) and things just might work out.
How sure are you that you’re applying the same standards and behaving in the same way to each?
And if you are 100% sure, how certain can you be that you’re being properly objective in your reaction?
Not a bad idea at any time, that. Always useful to work out where our blind spots are.
A global, internal, persistent attribution like that is pretty heavy stuff to carry. I can’t say that it isn’t true but before you make such a sweeping conclusion, ask yourself: what external factors might account for your experience? As @orenwolf pointed out, choosing activities/places with a high self-selection bias (one that is in your favor) could change that impression of yourself.
It’s all completely subjective. This is just my personal experiance. I’m sure social circles at colleges and in more high-brow industries are completely different.
Cool. Might be a good excuse to re-examine things maybe? Like, it might be the way you’re coming across to women, rather than them being unable to hold a convo.
It could be that they are into things, just not things they think will be of interest to you? Or … it’s a comfortableness thing? Two guys can have a pretty relaxed conversation about anything but not sure the same is likely to be true of man and woman talking. I think some of it might be that women are less likely to TALK about what they are really into knowing it’s not of interest to most? Maybe? I dunno. I’m so far out of the dating scene I might as well be dead. My 9yo is closer to the age I got married at than I am.
Over the years I’ve had many discussions with young (and youngish women) in the military. Lots of topics of interest. Lots of eagerness, excitement, knowledge.
The fact that once women are middle-aged you are able to have an actual conversation with them tells me it has nothing to do with being women, and everything to do with how you communicate with women young enough that you find them attractive.
And I doubt I’m the only poster here who has come to that conclusion.
Maybe they aren’t into talking about whatever it is you’re trying to talk about? Maybe they don’t want to open up to some dude on duty talking about their interests?
As people have pointed out, it is rather unlikely that they’re vapid idiots who lack any interests in life unlike the dudes of the same age filling the same job roles.
If you really think that about women your age, I’m not surprised you can’t find any willing to go on dates with you.
Signed,
Twice married with a 21 year old daughter (who clearly does have lots of interests because she and I discuss them…)
I’ve never picked up a woman at a party, bar, or club in my life. I often felt like a failure as a 20 something because I was a nerdy guy and unable to do so. I could never chat anyone up and not get a cold shoulder. Those women weren’t interested in me because, frankly in my estimation, I wasn’t the kind of guy many of them were interested in meeting. Being an introverted nerd on my part certainly didn’t help though I’m certainly glib enough (and occasionally funny) when in a comfortable social group with folks I at least know a little.
As people have said, don’t be other than what you are. Being a fake or dishonest is usually obvious quickly. Be genuine. My problem in those spaces is I’m not the kind of guy who meets anyone like that, even guys. I meet people through shared interests or becuase friends that I already have introduce me to other friends. Anecdotally, this is common for a lot of folks I know. If they’re dating strangers, it is because they met them at book or boating club, or through a shared hobby where you run into strangers and the groups are mixed gender. If you’re doing something fun and you meet people who like that thing, it is more likely to spark something.
I met my first wife in a coven when we were late teens/20ish when a mutual friend introduced us. I met my second wife in a very similar circumstance where I ran into her in a weird spiritual group, then at an ex-girlfriend’s wedding (they were friends), and then at a party all in the course of a month. I managed to cough up the nerve to walk over to her group of friends at the wedding and chat with her a bit and then ask her to coffee when I ran into her the (third) next time. She was smiling, friendly, and clearly willing to talk to me so why not? That’s how I usually see these things actually work out.
[quote=“Humbabella, post:1, topic:96611, full:true”] Suggesting dating is a “no-win scenario” in a post about how some men use sleazy tactics to pick up women is going to rub a lot of people the wrong way. The men being discusses are creeps, and so when you see a negative response to that as limiting your behaviour, it makes it seem like you are identifying with the creeps or defending them.
I don’t think that’s your intent, though. I remember thinking, “I can’t date women because I don’t know how to not be a creep.” It’s not an unreasonable thing to think, I don’t think, when men are often portrayed as creeps in media (and I don’t mean that bad feminists say bad things about men; I mean that for sensitive people it’s pretty obvious that a lot of protagonist men we are supposed to like are jerks/assholes/creeps - actual role models are creeps). Our cultural depictions of relationships are really messed up.
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In truth, this is a very “Internet” thing. There are people on the Internet who believe wanting to date is inherently wrong. Then, obviously, any man seeking a date is going to be a creep. There is no way to escape.
That “be yourself” meme needs to die. As you can see from all the people jumping down my throat, the problem in this equation isn’t the girls, it’s probably me. For one reason or another I don’t seem to connect well with women.“Being myself” hasn’t been doing the trick.
