I appreciate the well thought out reply, and civility.
I disagree with this point though. A graduated response from informing the customer, management, civil legal, and criminal legal is appropriate.
And there are many people–myself included–who have worked in support systems for abused people. Luckily I have only ever had to simply verbally threaten Creeps like the example in the story IRL. But I still believe Robs response to this story is correct.
Always have hatpins, hot coffee, or an over ripe Durian ready. And assholes that try and cross that line deserve all three at once.
But in sincerity, I can’t wrap my head around unsolicited touching. It is so creeptastic I just actually shivered.
As best I can, as an internet citizen, I will help you if you are being harassed. No, really.
I appreciate what some of you are saying. However!
Being able to ask a harasser to stop is not privilege in the sociological sense, even if the circumstances (poverty, learned helplessness, sexism) are intimately connected to it. This conflates structural inequality–a system of material and abstract advantages enjoyed by different social groups–with individual acts of abuse.
The principle is important, but insisting upon that viewpoint – to the point of validating “take the compliment”-type advice from agony aunts! – tells victims that they are helpless subjects of forces beyond their control when, in fact, there is often a lot they can do about whatever shithead they are dealing with today. And we can use the venues and means that we have to help those that do have access to them.
Many disadvantaged and unequal victims of abuse say stop, fetch the manager, call the police, become educated about their rights, gain access to external support networks, and overcome adversity when they are empowered within the context of their own lives. When we let individual empowerment become a challenge to our notions of privilege rather than an example of how it is overcome, we serve a reactionary narrative of victimhood.
Thing is, the kind of guy it works on is the kind of guy who isn’t a real problem to begin with. Are you able to take a simple “no”? Then you’re not the problem!
That’s what I realized as I was typing.
Restaurant workers should not be working for tips. They should be earning a living based on their working skills alone. Unfortunately for owners it’s easier to pay them a couple of bucks an hour and let them deal with idiot customers for tips. There is a great Freakinomics podcast entitled “Should Tipping Be Banned” that I highly recommend.
There is nothing “reasonable” about getting abused for tips.
Ideal world as it should be vs world as it actually is.
Wait staff in most states can be paid as little as $2.15/hr. by an employer. NOT full time, NOT benefitted. You show up, do the side work assigned to you at the above wage, and hope for a busy enough night with enough tips to make showing up worthwhile. You may be required to “share” those tips with bussers, bartenders, etc. Obviously you are not an employee. You are a contractor. And if that table decides not to tip you for WHATEVER reason - that doesn’t mean you are out some extra play money. That is your sole means of support. And your presumed tips are taxed from that big hourly paycheck on the assumption you are making at least minimum wage.
So that asshole who keeps playing grab-ass is the one you are dependent upon for your wages. And if you make a stink? Even if the restaurant is supportive, the manager throws the guys out, whatever, you still don’t get paid for your time. Which means you bite your lip and try to ignore it, try not to punch the asshole in the face because you need to eat, you have kids to feed, etc.
Careful, or someone will accuse you of “white-knighting,” which is just as bad as sexual harassment!
I’m certainly not trying to suggest that this is the way it should be. I’m just stating that dealing with the issue is not as easy as it might look at face value. I fully agree that working for tips is a ridiculous system.
Hatpins? And here I thought Dear Abby was antiquated.
Nobody said there was. You misapplied “reasonable” to make a point that no one is disputing. If you’ll re-read the original post, she was asking for advice on how to avoid the abuse.
I looked like a woman then, so I doubt anyone would accuse me of white knighting.
I Comprehended the post, I was just commenting on how sad it is that she used the word “reasonable” for something that is anything but that.
“They are trying to be friendly.”
Seriously? SERIOUSLY? Is there anything “Dear Abby” is able to not get totally WRONG? Someone being a privileged prick by asserting their dominance over someone else is somehow twisted as “trying to be friendly”? WTF?
That Dear Abby response sounds similar to the excuses the Prime Minister of my country (New Zealand) used in his defence against repeatedly pulling the ponytail of a waitress in a cafe over several months, even after she had asked him to stop. Ugh, how the hell can he still be the Prime Minister!?!
Is your prime minister a 10 year old boy with bad impulse control issues?
Pretty much.
As you say, I think the worst thing Abby does is the typical victim blaming stance: have you looked at it from his perspective? He was probably just trying to be nice. Are you sure it’s really that bad? You should probably just shrug it off and stay out of groping reach. It probably mirrors her experience in restaurants too, and underlines the privilege of being able to ask a harasser to stop - you’re on your own and have to weigh any action that you take against financial costs from losing your tip to losing your job to being blackballed. What’s more, even if you do shut this guy down, there could be another similar guy at the next table. You can protest, but you’ll lose eventually. If you take this to court, you could be faced with the same attitude. If you ask another waiter to take that table, you could look weak or less professional. In any of these cases, the culture puts you on the back foot and you have to pay the cost of protesting, while the customer and employer have the power.
In any case, I think she asked a very important question that comes before the action itself: some men act completely inappropriately toward waitresses, often with the full knowledge of other waiting staff, the management, other diners, the guy’s own SO etc. These people may well be shocked by the guy’s actions, but there’s a culture of silence and nobody knows how to react. She isn’t even asking how to respond to this when it happens - she shouldn’t have to deal with it at all, yet somehow this is just part of the culture. How can you prevent this and assert your rights without losing your income? I’d say eliminating tips as a way to make up a basic income has to be part of it. A customer who is offensive should not be passed on to a different waiter, it should be clear to everyone that this is not acceptable. Given the fact that some of these older men may actually think that they are merely being friendly, it could just mean having another waiter/waitress clarify how inappropriate it is (as a way to underline the fact that the restaurant believes and supports the waitress and is not afraid to lose the customer or take further action if necessary). However, it should be made very clear that she is not isolated and powerless and that this behaviour will not be tolerated.
