It seems to work just fine.
Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp is still producing suitable substitutes.
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Yeah but those pages are already covered in poop.
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Perrhhhaaaapsss.
Who’s asking?
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Indeed. 
As heard on a boy scout camping trip eons ago (sung to the tune of “Branded”.)
Stranded.
Stuck on a toilet bowl.
What do you do when you’re stranded…
and you need another roll.
Well, you know you’re a man…
so you use…
your hands.
Stranded.
Stranded.
Stranded…
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That looks way too gentile. Maybe there is a super soaker version?
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If you’re in the $300 range for a toilet-seat-replacement bidet, it’ll have an adjustable-heat air dryer. Mine has has 6 heat settings and runs for ~2 minutes. On the 2nd highest setting, one such cycle is all I need to be comfortably dry.
Might be faster on highest level, but it’s too risky… if I’m not paying attention, it gets too hot. I think I’ve smelt burnt hair a few times.
And speaking of smells, be sure to flush before hitting the “DRY” button. You DO NOT want to blow warm air across the… floaters?
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You just need to set your “Re-order” level to “1”, not “0” in your ERP system.
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I already had enough for a year. Not caring.
How does a very powerful toilet look like?
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I’ll look up the model and get back to you. I don’t remember off of the top of my head but, its one of the most powerful available.
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Pro tip for the shower option: do a handstand.
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How do I print out a Hannity video?
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That would mean buying them first. Even in the current circumstances, Fuck that.
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Rabellais’ goose option is sounding better. There are some at the local park, and a few swans too – they would do anything for a handful of crumbs.
Ha! I don’t know what the comparative strength of flow is between one of these little babies, and an actual bidet. The flow does vary depending on how hard you squeeze the bottle.
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To be fair, I think he’s trying to prevent his asshole from being vile. 
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