Entitlement versus spontaneity in sexual relationships

Thinking about this topic has got me wondering about how people manage closeness in their lives while minimizing the sort of problems implied by “entitlement”. By which I mean the avoidance of unwanted compliments and physical contact. As a person who is respectful of people, I do not want to be in a position of inspiring discomfort in them - especially not in those in whom I am interested - if anything, I would prefer to help them to be more comfortable. It seems obvious that the ideal is mutuality. But without contact, how does one know whether or not mutuality is present? This seems to result in a guessing game where the wrong guess can cause profound upset.

Being in my 40s now, I am not exactly inexperienced. But what my experience has unfortunately taught me is that sexual relationships seem to only occur spontaneously. This is not generally my style! I am terribly wordy and active, in very deliberate ways. I have never once been successful in starting a sexual relationship through conversation. Typically it is a matter of a stranger and I literally pouncing upon each other at random, be it in a club, gallery, on the street, wherever. But this apparently random, more or less feral approach carries the risk of pouncing upon the wrong person, or otherwise having no other social criteria for deciding who I should be with. For being otherwise an extremely deliberate, methodical person, this is very disruptive for me, so I usually just avoid relationships.

What do you do? Do circumstances require you to engage with people who you otherwise don’t know? And why? Or do you somehow negotiate these factors with those who you know without alienating them? Do you worry about not knowing if they are interested? Do you worry about knowing whether or not you are even interested yourself?

Not doable. I mean, really- not doable. In the initial stages of any kind of long or short-term relationship, and even well into a long-term relationship, people misread signals, move too fast, and engage in generally cringe-worthy behavior. That’s just life.

I think the way you’ve posed the issue is all wrong, though. No one proposes that men shouldn’t ever proposition women lest they creep them out. The problem isn’t that men proposition women who aren’t interested in them. The problem is that too many men do so in environments and contexts that are not acceptable, or refuse to take nos and Big Hints ™ for an answer. Women who are receptive to a man’s advances don’t need to be coaxed into admitting their willingness, which is all too often what society teaches men is the appropriate methodology in any romantic endeavor.

It’s also not entitlement versus spontaneity . This goes hand in hand with the idea that consent is necessarily verbal. Context and body language matter. If you’re making eyes with someone across a room, it’s a completely different situation from trying to make eye contact with someone who is clearly avoiding your gaze.

Oh, and you will fuck up, and definitely already have. Think about it: doesn’t everyone inevitably fuck up every kind of conceivable social situation? Not in the sense that everyone is socially inept, but in the more general sense that we all do it occasionally, because social situations are just like that.



I have found the literal phrase, “may I kiss you gently, or kiss you like a man bear” quite effective.

Never regard anyone as ‘yours’, and toe the golden rule. Then spontaneity is fun and mutual.

Oh, and I mean literally (not figuratively) ask. It is a win win. It makes you funny, charming, spontaneous, and respectful all at the same time. And it gives everyone an easy, safe out.

I’m also very risk-averse when it comes to relationships and social interaction. But you have to accept that it would be really hard to start a sexual relationship without putting yourself out there and taking some risks. That said, it doesn’t need to be at a random encounter. You just need to create lots of situations where you can meet nice people in non-random ways. Classes, clubs, etc.

Oh sugar, oh sugar can’t you see how hard I’m trying?
You know you gotta, you know you gotta eventually make up your mind.
'Cause no one’s gonna find you when you’re hiding in the dark.
No one’s gonna find you when you’re hiding in the dark.
*No one’s gonna find you when you’re hiding in the dark.
No one’s gonna find you.

Story of my life…

This topic was automatically closed after 677 days. New replies are no longer allowed.