Maybe if you’d get your tongue out of there for a minute you could pop your dentures and try it.
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Wow, Grampa, whoever reanimated you did a piss-poor job.
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#MY NOT YOUR BOSS!
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Turd blossom like this
Floundering for acceptance,
You, your dreams, are shite
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An impertinent lowlife named critter
(Not exactly the pick of the litter),
Did his best to sound cool
But came off as a tool
And a serial nocturnal emitter.
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Awww, that’s the one my mom used to sing me to sleep with! 
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Self deprecation is a sign of weakness. What are you, British or something?
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I know. We had a good laugh about it the other day. I thought it would be too cruel to post the other stuff she told me.
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I’m a possum, it’s what we do!
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Oh shit. You got a taste of the power. I suppose we should brace ourselves for an onslaught of manipulative games, in the vein of that megalomaniac @OtherMichael.
#WhyTheFookDoesEverythingNeedATag
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Remind me to thank her for getting you out of the house, spending time with your wife was a real treat.
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I’m glad you can see it in a positive light now. My wife says to tell you she wasn’t really disappointed, and she actually admires a man who isn’t afraid to cry.
She meant what she said about the restraining order, though.
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I have no shame that her performance truly did move me to tears. She’s amazing.
I’m thankful she’s going to respect the order though. I honestly can’t have her coming near me again, no matter how badly she needs to. Try to step it up at home, will you?
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I find that my insults are much more impressive when I actually mean them:
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… uh… and the horse you rode in on!
she’s gone, right? it was safe for me to say that?
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The storm has passed; you’re ‘safe’ now.
Also:
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Cool comeback, dudette. That 24-hour Google search really paid off. You should start a GIF bank for snappy all-purpose responses.
Here’s one:
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