Extremely 'high elf' battles evil, attacks car in Portland


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In any one of a hundred fantasy novels, the police would be doing the dark lord’s will by arresting the poor guy.

This guy is a hero for battling evil Morgoth, otherwise known as the Tuesday morning commute. Ironically though, Tolkien’s writing was directed at everything he disliked about industrial capitalism. All the adventure sucked out of the world.

The neckbeards will triumph over all!

*standard Marxist disclaimer: wouldn’t belong to any club that would have me as a member…

“Criminal mischief” is the best citation ever.

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Time travel is a bitch.

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Wielding a shield and sword AND staff? What a piker.

I mean, not a pikesman but an amateur. A n00bie.


I’m guessing “high” is the key word in this article.


Immediately thought of this:


She can’t tell the difference between a high elf and a pirate?


In her defense, when some crazy person’s swinging a f*@king sword at you, you’re not going to pay to much attention to the specific costume he has on. Pirates have swords, close enough for Tuesday morning.

Tolkien’s writing was directed at everything he disliked about industrial capitalism.

I guess he made an exception for tobacco capitalism. Note that the hobbits’ tobacco industry is so far advanced that they even have brand names for it. Old Toby, Southern Star, Longbottom Leaf, etc.

Based on how easily he was subdued by the police, his mishandling of multiple weapons, and clumsy armor, I would guess that this is actually a pretty low-level elf. Probably only 1st or 2nd level, with a very low armor class, and minimal hit points.

Sounds like he has a darned low Charisma for an elf to be mistaken for a pirate. Probably only half-elf.


I don’t think that stuff was meant to be tobacco.


An Emberverse refugee?

While the movies (and the hippies who first popularized Tolkien in the US) seem to interpret “pipe weed” in a different sense, Tolkien himself states in an appendix that it was Nicotiana, or in other words tobacco.

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Oh sure, we can blame this one on drugs, but just wait a few decades when Augmented Reality MMOs are all the rage - something like this won’t even be news, anymore.


It’s the chronic pipe-weed that I’m smokin’
And when I get high I spin tales like Tolkien
I’ll light you up like Longbottom leaf
'Cause the orcs got the shwag, but we got the keef.
—Lords of the Rhymes

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Seriously, a “pirate”?

It’s a good thing the wacko had not run off by the time police got there, because “pirate” is almost useless as a description of this guy. “Nutjob with sword” would have been more helpful. When I hear ‘pirate’ I don’t think “guy in chainmail with a helmet and a shield and a sword.” I could see “knight”, but “pirate”?

Does she think that the Lord of the Rings trilogy was another pirate series like Pirates of the Caribbean?

I hope she’s okay, and I hope her car is minimally damaged, but someone might want to buy her an illustrated dictionary or something.

I’m mocking her a very little bit, but seriously, if you are in danger, especially in public, you need to try to give a good description to the police. Some poor schmuck with a scraggly beard and a bandana could have been shot accidentally (or Johnny Depp).

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