Fake primatologist dissects Trump's tweets


Originally published at: http://boingboing.net/2017/02/04/fake-primatologist-dissects-tr.html


This is brilliant. Why, because he’s such a little petty person that this is exactly the sort of shit that gets under his skin. The mockery. The schoolyard names. That sort of thing.

That’s why I vote that EVERYONE (including national media) start referring to the cheeto colored vulgarian by his proper title: President Tiny Dick.

(oh yeah? Only someone with a truly miniscule appendage would have to comment on how YUUUGE his hands are [they’re not]).


You know, I don’t want a president that I know I’m smarter and more well-adjusted than.

I want a president who is smarter than me, better adjusted than me, has a thicker skin than me, and is more experienced than me.

The whole election was like this:

And now all his supporters are like the flight attendant in the galley insisting over the intercom that we’ll be at our destination in 30 minutes, when anyone looking out the window can see the ground rapidly approaching.


Fun fact: according to the International Commission on Zoological Nomenclature, humans are member of the mammalian order of primates. (So, next time when you have an argument about whether or not humans descended from apes, you can substantiate that claim by telling them that we still are.)


Of course. The difference between a handful of faeces and a Minuteman missile is basically one of scale.


As your diagram shows, any definition of “ape” that doesn’t include humans is pretty arbitrary and doesn’t make much sense. There is no common ancestor from which all the non-human apes are descended but humans aren’t.

(The same would also appear to be true of monkeys: there is no common ancestor from which the New World and Old World monkeys are descended but the apes aren’t. However, there seems to be no push to expand the definition of “monkey” to include apes, so the Librarian from the Discworld books can probably give a sigh of relief, or as he would say, “ook”.)


I feel like we’d have been better off closer to orangutans. But maybe that’s just because I have a thing for redheads.


Bonobos. We coulda been bonobos. Kindness, love, sex all day.

We coulda been bonobos.


Sounds exhausting. I’d rather spend my time on the upper tree limbs contemplating the constellations.


Fun fact. There is a very high probability that 100% of the people reading the comments on this article on BoingBoing know that humans are primates.


It’s also excellent use of Twitter as a medium. The short “field notes” commenting on other Tweets and headlines works to great effect. I also like that it focuses on the ape’s behaviour rather than his appearance.

I felt the same way about Prince Bush to a degree, but I understood why his supporters with low standards thought of him as the kind of guy you could sit and have a beer with. This guy, in contrast, is the kind of obnoxious blowhard most people avoid at bars.


I can’t wait to read what she writes when Trump begins begins flinging his poo.


We coulda been bonobos.

Be good, maybe next go around?


Yeah. Let’s do that.


He already is, metaphorically.
There’s a story going round that he likes to watch females of his species urinating, but based on ape behaviour this seems unlikely; it’s more likely that he would be watching to see if they are sexually receptive.


This is not satirical. This is clinical.


I once took a biological anthropology class where on the first day the instructor bared her teeth, pushed over a desk, and shouted, “I am the head ape, and this is my threat display!” Apparently she did this every quarter. It seems we’ve all been subjected to a similar tactic since the inauguration.


Metaphorically isn’t good enough!
He can do better and he knows it!




Actually in the clade sense we are monkeys. In fact, we’re also fish: