Rhetorical questions are rhetorical… save when they’re not…
If you think you are a bad person then you are going to do things that are ‘bad’ - like abuse friendships, situations that break down, or push people away. My only advice is to get some help, professional help. And trust that other peoples opinions of you are valid. 
Be well dude!
Sometimes we lean on people that let us lean on them for a reason. I don’t want to get all Michael Bolton on you, but I’ve been leaned on (leant on?) by people in a way that could be perceived as “taking advantage” but I let them because… they are/were friends and it didn’t seem like it was too much skin off my nose. It may not always be awesome or convenient, but I’ve often considered it worthwhile. Now I don’t know if you’re using your friend’s housekey to take a shit in their fridge when they’re not home, but it’s possible you’re overestimating how crappy you really are. Take it from an expert in assuming that he is a worthless piece of shit. And sometimes, I really really am.
When I am taking advantage of friendships or abusing my position as an important person in someone’s life, I have to step back and do two things, and I sense some of this may apply to you. Obviously YMMV.
1.) Acknowledge your importance in other people’s lives. This can be hard, but you’re not worthless or no one would ever had had anything to do with you to begin with. One of the reasons you might be taking advantage in the first place is, perversely, a sense that you don’t deserve their friendship or affection. If you’re anything like me, saying “thank you” or “I’m sorry” is sometimes painful and weird because you feel like you don’t deserve that mercy. On the flipside, they would much rather give you mercy than see you exit their lives. Don’t they get to decide if that’s worth it to them?
2.) Resolve to behave better, and be prepared to forgive yourself when you fall short. Expectations are hard. You have to set them to push the envelope, but then you run the risk of failure constantly. Accept that you can only ever really do a little better at a time. Incremental improvement with plenty of failure is the norm, not the exception. Accept the hard work of changing those habits that annoy you about how you treat friends,AND accept that you are BOTH not perfect AND not a pile of steaming donkey crap.
That’s what I tell myself I should do, but strangely I never remember it when I’m in a self-loathing spiral. I hope it works for you.
You blow your life up because you think you deserve it? At least that’s what it sounds like. Circular reasoning is circular man. Beat yourself up less and maybe you won’t do things that you feel will lead to what you (consciously or subconsciously) think you deserve.
I do not discount those observations. And I feel like an ass cause I promised to myself this year was gonna be a Positive year. le sigh
I trust your opinion, as well as those of Liz, Mindy, jsr, awjt, Michael, popo, ldobe, acer, and all the wonderful peeps that have been consistently supportive. And I sincerely love that random people can show such generosity.
And on that note, I have some effing calls to make to find a new, actually effective doc. 
(hay, I got a new phone! It’s neat!)
I hope it’s not an Apple. We may have to revise our opinion of you.
From my PoV, you are definitely one of the “Wonderful Things” about BB. Keep your chin up.
Nexus 5x, I may have problems, but apple ain’t one, brozif.
The older I get the more I realize that these things are so fucking common!
And I’m just, like, what the hell people! It would have been so helpful to everyone to know that we are not the only ones who do this! We’re all so good at pretending!
Story time: when I was in QA they made me take Reliability Statistics as part of my job. I didn’t get past grade 12 math, so this was a whole magnitude of WTF. One class the prof did a thing on the board and I was lost. Just, wholly lost and not understanding. But I’m not stupid, so I studied like a MoFo that week, and did not get it, at all. Next week in class, I’m following along, and he does the thing again, and I’m lost, again. Obviously, I’m stupid, I’m the dumbest person in the room, I’m going to get fired, I’m a fraud, everything is falling down around me. The prof says “does anyone have any questions?” - I stick up my hand, and I say “what is that?” pointing at the thing I do not get. (Side note: I am one of two “girls” in this class, and at least 20 years younger than everyone else.) The prof looks at me like I just asked him the dumbest question he’s ever heard. He turns to the class and asks “Is anyone else having problems with this?” THE ENTIRE CLASS PUT UP THEIR HAND! - I legit lost my shit. I may have yelled “You motherfuckers! I’ve sat here for two classes thinking I’m stupid and NONE OF YOU had the balls to say you didn’t get it either! Fuck all y’all!” (I miss working in engineering, if only for the swearing.) And thats the story of how I passed Reliability Statistics. And also how I learned that when you yourself are “faking” a thing, probably someone beside you is also faking that exact same thing. Also to ask questions directly no matter how dumb they sound.
How boring would it be to be only positive, how one dimensional? Human beings are complicated, messy creatures. We shed bits of our bodies wherever we go, and we tell ourselves lies to manipulate our emotions.
Also, truly unreconstructed assholes never worry about how their behavior affects others. Donald Trump has never experienced a self-loathing spiral, I’d bet. Self-awareness is hard, man, also messy and complicated. Cut yourself the same slack you’d do for the people around you, or shit, that you’d do for all the folks here, who you’ve never even seen.
For myself, I recognize a pernicious game of “if I’m mean enough to myself, it’ll magically pay the debt so no one else is mean to me, and everything will be fine”. There’s also “if I imagine the worst possible outcome, thinking it will jinx it out of actually happening”. Both leave me feeling like shit. Your game is probably different, of course, but self-destructive mental games are bullshit. It’s especially difficult to recognize while you are in the middle of it though. Luckily, when I had completely lost all perspective, my sister was able to talk sense to me, thank FSM.
Everything is better with googly eyes. And perspective. And doctors who are helpful and effective.
Everything is better with googly eyes. Everything.
and i have an appointment at 5:00pm today (how rare is it that you can find a brand new doctor, accepting new patients, in california, and get in the same day!? serendipity?)
Fan-fucking-tastic!!
sometimes, sometimes simply asking for help actually works. sometimes even when you know what to do, you need a little kick in the strategic-butt to do what you know needs to be done.
(i’ll be serving punch and pie at the after party)
What kind of pie?
when life gives you lemons, you make lemon meringue pie 
Welp, I went from zero docs this morning to three in the afternoon! And just like I expected the vampires want to steal my blood to prove I have gout, but basically shoved a bottle of benzos in my pocket. That’s… The opposite of what an MD should do.
Hey, you got your five minutes times three, it sounds like. What are you complaining about? /s
She was nice though.
I got a referral to a psychiatrist (behavioral health therapist they call them these days?). I dub this new person Shrinkydink. And an endocrine specialist who I haven’t thought of a witty name for. Hey What’s Up Docrine? I’ll workshop it. And obviously my GP is my Jeep.
Secrete Santa? Or too early in the year?
Ooh, that’s good!
yeah, fuck that amazing stuff. But really. NO.
You really are good with words.
It’s nasty. I do appreciate it when things get reeeally bad, bit at that point honestly a benadryl is as effective (they both just make me go to sleep). It really surprises me that similar to oxy* there hasn’t been a larger crackdown on benzos.
