The confidence I get from stimulants is purely selfish. Really, it’s very close to, if not the same as mania. If I’m actually addicted to anything it’s the feeling that everything I’m doing is right, that I’m having good ideas, the feeling that people like me, and that I have the ability to do whatever it takes to achieve my goals. I don’t get that in every day life. I get it out the wazoo on dopaminergic stimulants.
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I’ve been badly abusing some molecules for the past several months. Today is the day I get to detox (partially observed by my doc, he agreed with my plan and med schedule).
My skin feels like it’s on fire. My heart is racing, and I’ll bet my BP is at ungodly levels. Thank fsm I have a stock of Xanax, klonapin, and gabapentin. I made a promise to my shrink, and he is gonna hold me accountable.
But still, fuck today.
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Turns out that our cat’s broken bone was cancer (or possibly a rare fungal infection). Either way it means that he will be getting his leg amputated.
The difference between his January x-ray and today’s is striking – most of his metacarpals are disintegrated. He’s an incredibly tough ol’ street cat, so I’m not too worried about him pulling through. Just wish he didn’t have to deal with the pain.
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Potty training.
Fuck this SHIT.
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And by <3 I mean Fuck Today. Cancer too.
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yeah thats a ‘fun’ time…
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When I’m describing the subjective experience of mania, I normally say something to the effect of “it’s like being on a constant moderate dose of meth”.
I miss being manic; even though horrible things were happening to me, it didn’t feel so bad at the time. And it had a certain drama value to it; at least things felt important rather than just sad and pointless.
Unipolar depression, OTOH, is nothing but an unmitigated pool of suck.
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I gotta say I agree on all points. Or at least the ones I know about, that being unipolar depression and stimulants.
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My daughter had such an easy potty training experience. It took longer than we would have liked before she was willing to do it, then she just stopped wearing diapers because she was a big girl. There were practically no accidents. We even managed to convince her that big girls don’t come into their parents’ bedroom during the night anymore. Then two months later, she started wetting her bed again and being too late for the potty at school. She uses the most ridiculous logical fallacies in her arguments too - it’s not that she wets her bed, the bed just gets wet by itself if she has to go to bed too early. It must have been one of us - she never saw herself doing it, and it’s just coincidence that the wet patch is right where she was sleeping. The no true big girl fallacy. Even when we gave up and put diapers back on her, she would flat out deny that a wet diaper could possibly have been her fault.
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Once I had about a week of weak hypomania. It was nice - a project a night, things went from brain straight to code or to a circuit. Sadly, it ended. I have to find a way how to get it to repeat.
Indeed.
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Depressed? Overworked? Job sucks? Unappreciated? Money problems? Family issues?
FUKITOL!
(Pressed sugar candy, 20mm diameter, 40W “Blue Horror” CO2 laser, 8 cm/s, 4 mA)
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Control, and the need for it, is a strong drive, even in the young.
Happily, it passes.
Well, sort of. Changes, I suppose, is a better descriptor.
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Well, she is our secret weapon in the fight against male speech domination. The rest of us can’t get a word in.
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My daughter recently started having accidents again. But i don’t even know if I should call them accidents. They are more stubborn-refusal-to-use-the-toilets. This lead to a “diaper rash” (only no diapers) and a urinary tract infection. We just had a 1 hour (no exaggeration) screaming tantrum on the weekend when she was told it was time to go to the bathroom and no we would not put on another episode of the show she was watching until she did.
She’s four, so we can talk to her in sentences, but it’s just a useless mess. She doesn’t have the self-awareness or vocabulary to say what is going on or why. Not that a four-year-old would, but I feel like I’ve spent too many billions of brain cycles trying to run over what this experience is like for her to not avail, and it can be very hard to not slip into a “why is this happening to me” mindset when dealing with it.
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I just discovered the unit tests stopped working two weeks ago when we upgraded/migrated from VS2012 to VS2015. Not a big deal, as we haven’t touched any of the very few things actually covered by tests… but I was trying to add something new. Had to re-install/upgrade our version of NUnit. Le Sigh.
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I’m still trying to fill in the ESA form with a friend. It involves going over nasty memories of Carlisle in 2003-04. I’m having disturbed sleep, panic attacks and suicidal feelings. I’m not going to kill myself (I have learned how to divert the thoughts over the years) but that doesn’t stop it feeling tempting.
And I will have to do it all over again when I fill in the PIP forms in a few months time. 
If only Stephen Crabb (IDS’s replacement as Secretary of State for Work and Pensions) could see me like this.
I’m going to try and distract myself with video games.
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I wish I could buy some strips of these for gifts. My GP would find them amusing
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Tell me about it. I’ve been at it for about 40 years and it still hasn’t sunk in.
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The bloody charger. The unit was repaired, tested, shipped off to the facility with the car.
It ran, It charged the battery, we got it to almost 90 amps of output power. Almost ten kilowatts, but well within the twelve kW of design limit. So far so good.
The battery behaved a little weird. We found one cell is dead. So far so good too.
The car was driven a bit to discharge the batteries somewhat. So far so good as well.
Then the charger was reconnected. It ran for 10-20 minutes, then tripped the breakers and is tripping them since.
I am afraid it is the PFC rail IGBT that bought the farm…
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