Not a gripe, but this has to be some kind of record
19 Likes
The post was an attack on some of the community members here. I am guessing it was some already banned loser trying to still get in an insult, as if anyone should care what they think. 
18 Likes
That screenshot brings up something I’ve been thinking.
Should that “welcome them” banner be visible on a flagged post?
14 Likes
Well, sometimes the appropriate way to welcome a new user is with flags?
18 Likes
20 Likes
12 Likes
Life imitates art.
9 Likes
Hello folks. Trying to get some clarity on something.
Someone recently asked a question about a recent internet meme. The question was off topic for the post, and the answer was racy. So I answered this person via DM with an explanation of the meme.
I got a notice that my post was flagged and then removed. I have read and re-read the community guidelines and for the life of me can’t figure what is going on. Any context would be helpful.
Are DMs rude? Is answering somoene’s question in a DM rather than the thread wrong? I haven’t DM’d much in the past, and want to be sure to observe netiquette.
6 Likes
Uninvited DMs on a racy topic could definitely be construed as crossing a line if you don’t know the person well. The BBS is pretty casual, but if you wouldn’t have a private conversation about a topic with someone you just met in person, then it probably isn’t a good idea in a DM.
19 Likes
Wouldn’t that be the same as if we were all in a real-world roundtable and @ycleptShawn pulled the person aside to explain something the group needn’t hear so as not to disrupt the thread?
I don’t see this as especially problematic, more so if the DM itself was informative in nature.
1 Like
That sounds even worse. If a stranger did that to me, I would probably hold a grudge. If it’s a friend doing it? Okay, sure, cool. But a stranger? Nah.
12 Likes
Depends. Is the stranger really a stranger? I do not know the user name of the person @ycleptShawn was contacting.
Even so, a stranger coming to the table might need a “hey, mate” intervention. Or perhaps the person was an established user?
In either case a “hey, mate” intervention seems appropriate, especially if the interloper is unknown.
Edit: spelling.
Every word in this sentence seems rather culturally dependent to me.
But I think that you might want to reread the original comment. There’s nothing about interventions or interlopers there.
10 Likes
Then I’ll withdraw and let @ycleptShawn speak for themselves.
I don’t know about a grudge, but I’d definitely be skeezed out. Just imagine you’re standing in a group talking. Someone says something you don’t understand and you say, “I’ve been hearing that around. What does it mean?” And a stranger in the group pulls you aside and explains the racy reference in graphic detail.
Only in person, you could decline to be pulled aside into the private tete-a-tete. Online, the DM is just foisted upon you.
19 Likes
I rarely send an unsolicited DM here. When I do it’s to offer praise for a particularly good comment someone made (esp. that involved their being vulnerable), or to follow up on a comment they made with personal information about myself that I’d prefer not to post on the BBS. DMs offering genuine support – as opposed to oily attempts to ingratiate oneself somehow – aren’t generally going to get negative reactions here.
The majority of questions can be answered in public. The BBS community can handle racy comments and jokes as long as they’re framed in an appropriate way and aren’t gratuitous “look how edgy I am” throwaways or promoting offensive stereotypes. The blur tool (check the gear icon above the edit box) can also be useful if you think the comment, while offered in good faith, might still offend or trigger some readers.
You can also make an off-topic but related post. If you’re worried about it leading to a de-rail, just offer a disclaimer or ask a moderator or leader to move it to its own topic.
16 Likes
Unfortunately way too many people think they can say things they shouldn’t say at all on them. And that experience is often very unpleasant and impacts how people engage with private messages.
DM is often used for harassment and so anyone who has been previously harassed this way may have trouble telling if you mean to imply they are OT and are bothering them privately out of some assumption of familiarity to tell them instead of flagging. Especially when the content is going to be sexual they may even think you are using it as an excuse to push sexual boundaries in a justifiable way.
The world is a confusing place too so what exactly constitutes a boundary in conversation and where they should be and who bears the burden of assumption… all that is contentious too.
Is it right? Wrong? Fair? Unfair? Ambivalent and scary? Sure.
Enshitification intensifies.
18 Likes
I don’t know your gender, but imagine you are a woman asking that question and a strange man tries to isolate you from the group and starts to talk about sexual practices in graphic detail. (This scenario is not impossible for most women to imagine.) Wouldn’t you feel that this strange man is being, at best overly familiar, at worst crudely hitting on you?
A more suitable response would be to say in the public forum “The answer is NSFW, but you can google it if you want to know”. Case closed.
18 Likes
I agree, but I think that it’s also worth noting that a DM has an audience of one, which means that the threshold for moderator action is much lower than in the community at large. In the case of an unsolicited DM, the moderators have no reason to say, “No, I’m going to let this DM stand” if it has been flagged by literally every person who saw it.
A DM is almost always a surprise, and some people just don’t like surprises. I would not take it personally; I would just take it as a “Please do not DM me.”
And before anyone (not you, gracchus; I know you wouldn’t say this) says, “Well then why can’t they just say, ‘Please do not DM me’ instead?” I would say, “We have to keep in mind that the person who sent the unsolicited DM is the one imposing.”
11 Likes
Thanks folks. Your responses are very helpful.
What I hear is that unsolicited DMs are not generally welcome, even to answer a question a person asked, unless you know them. Also that posting the answer in the thread is better and to warn of off topic and also potentially blur.
I absolutely would have posted this answer in the thread, but it seemed off topic. Later others did answer in the thread, so I guess it would have been fine to answer there. Instead I answered directly the question this person asked via DM. Others did also answer in the thread, but perhaps more obliquely than my response. I see how an answer directly could be considered rude or invading privacy. I was trying to be helpful in answering a question and didn’t think about anything else.
but if you wouldn’t have a private conversation about a topic with someone you just met in person, then it probably isn’t a good idea in a DM.
@DukeTrout absolutely yes I would say what I posted to someone I just met if they asked a question.
Wouldn’t that be the same as if we were all in a real-world roundtable and @ycleptShawn pulled the person aside to explain something the group needn’t hear so as not to disrupt the thread?
@Hover_Board this is what I meant to do.
I don’t know about a grudge, but I’d definitely be skeezed out. Just imagine you’re standing in a group talking. Someone says something you don’t understand and you say, “I’ve been hearing that around. What does it mean?” And a stranger in the group pulls you aside and explains the racy reference in graphic detail.
Only in person, you could decline to be pulled aside into the private tete-a-tete. Online, the DM is just foisted upon you.
@ClutchLinkey this is the part I didn’t get and now I do.
The majority of questions can be answered in public. The BBS community can handle racy comments and jokes as long as they’re framed in an appropriate way and aren’t gratuitous “look how edgy I am” throwaways or promoting offensive stereotypes. The blur tool (check the gear icon above the edit box) can also be useful if you think the comment, while offered in good faith, might still offend or trigger some readers.
@gracchus thanks for the specific feedback.
Unfortunately way too many people think they can say things they shouldn’t say at all on them. And that experience is often very unpleasant and impacts how people engage with private messages.
@TornPaperNapkin thanks for the thoughtful explanation.
I don’t know your gender, but imagine you are a woman asking that question and a strange man tries to isolate you from the group and starts to talk about sexual practices in graphic detail. (This scenario is not impossible for most women to imagine.) Wouldn’t you feel that this strange man is being, at best overly familiar, at worst crudely hitting on you?
@teknocholer Thanks for the perspective.
…I think that it’s also worth noting that a DM has an audience of one, which means that the threshold for moderator action is much lower than in the community at large. In the case of an unsolicited DM, the moderators have no reason to say, “No, I’m going to let this DM stand” if it has been flagged by literally every person who saw it.
@Jesse13927 thanks for your input too. Much appreciated context.
11 Likes
