Hater's guide to the Williams-Sonoma Catalogue

[beschizza]

Originally published at: http://boingboing.net/2016/12/09/haters-guide-to-the-williams.html

…

[GulliverFoyle]

…cough Boing Boing Store cough…

Oh, sorry, I had something in my throat. So what’s wrong with the wares people sell on Etsy, as opposed to the company’s dubious business model?

[Papasan]

along the shittiest stretch of road in the shittiest state in America

Now you know why they call it the “Garden State”.

[himnull]

I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve had the electric corkscrew go out on me right in the middle of opening bottles of emergency Chianti for UNICEF kids.

…coffee everywhere…

[cepheus42]

Thank you for this read, I needed a good laugh in my day. The whole thing is worthy of your attention, but this dissertation on the uselessness of table runners takes the cake (or fondue as the case may be):

And what if I’m serving fondue? One minute everyone is excited for
dipping fresh strawberries and banana hunks. The next? Little Chadwick
is in the ER with third degree chocolate burns on his nutsack.

Thank you!!!

[beschizza]

@GulliverFoyle

So what’s wrong with the wares people sell on Etsy, as opposed to the company’s dubious business model?

Nothing’s wrong with it, per se. I buy almost everything from Etsy!

“Crap” has many shades of meaning.

[TobinL]

reading this is making my morning so much better. thanks @beschizza

More important, anyone who relies on some stupid electric corkscrew is not a REAL MAN. A real man uses a rusty Swiss Army Knife and opens that bottle of Sauvignon Blanc using nothing more than pure grit and steel biceps. Then the cork crumbles halfway through the pull, and you get angry and smash the bottle on the counter in a fit of rage, and then everyone knows that you are NOT a man to be fucked with. That’s the right way to open wine.

priceless

ETA I so want to order the ‘personalized’ tin now.

[KarlS]

I know that these days “artisinal” mostly means whatever the author hates, but do they even sell anything that qualifies?

[GulliverFoyle]

@beschizza

“Crap” has many shades of meaning.

Understood.

@TobinL

reading this is making my morning so much better.

Serious comedy gold. And best of all, now I know where to buy the light to guide you, hand-carved from East African quartzite at $450 plus shipping.

@KarlS

I know that these days “artisinal” mostly means whatever the author hates, but do they even sell anything that qualifies?

If you called anything made by an actual artisan artisinal, they’d justifiably punch you in the face for mocking them. At this point artisinal is a pure 100% fair-trade hand-rolled sarcasm.

[knoxblox]

The article is funny, but the catalog gives me real nightmares of Christmases past with “church girls” wearing tartan plaid skirts, off-white turtleneck sweaters, patent-leather flats with Pilgrim buckles, hair with frosted tips, and tons of lip gloss.

[GulliverFoyle]

Yikes! Where did you grow up, Stepford, Conneticut?

[beschizza]

Artisanal Level 5: Mixing Cholua and Insanity Sauce to make Rob’s Legendary Arse Weapon Hot Sauce.
Artisanal Level 1: Hand-made goods by skilled laborers.
Artisanal Level 2: Items marketed or posed as such irrespective of their origins.
Artisanal Level 3: The abstract semiotic space in which such things are sneered at.
Artisanal Level 4: Where you fight a pixel art monster comprised of parts of locally-sourced cheese and the pulsating undead head of Umberto Eco.

[nimelennar]

Artisanal Level 6: Arranging the objets d’art out-of order.
Artisanal Level 7: Pretentiously using foreign languages

[TailOfTruth]

Artisanal Level 10: Voting Trump for the Lolz. There may be overlap with artisanal level 5.

[GulliverFoyle]

Artisinal Level Zeroth: Naturally sourced stonework made by native craftsmen using only authentic ancient techniques (AKA looted from World Heritage Sites).

[knoxblox]

@GulliverFoyle

Yikes! Where did you grow up, Stepford, Conneticut?

No! Wichita, Kansas.

I’m telling you, the College Hill neighborhood and nearby city-within-the-city, Eastborough were their own special little time-warps of conservatism/consumerism during Wichita’s “Air Capitol of the World” days. A few families scattered through the rest of Wichita, as well.
Kind of like The Last Picture Show with private jets and bomber manufacture (and some oil).

[lumpmoose]

Williams-Sonoma is a nice place as long as you keep your wits about you on pricing. And they have sales and a clearance rack like anywhere else. It’s the only place in the neighborhood I could find a round-bottom carbon steel wok.

[wrecksdart]

@beschizza

Artisanal Level 4: Where you fight a pixel art monster comprised of parts of locally-sourced cheese and the pulsating undead head of Umberto Eco.

Otherwise known to Americans as, “Drunk and at Chuck E. Cheese”.

[anon62122146]

@beschizza

I was on the Jersey Turnpike when I saw it. I was driving my family to New York for Thanksgiving and there, along the shittiest stretch of road in the shittiest state in America,

Wow. I was also driving into the city for Thanksgiving, and drove along this very road because I trusted my phone too much, and was also struck by how unutterably shitty it was. A packed six-lane highway, going (at a snail’s pace) through the biggest strip-mall I’ve ever laid eyes on.

[AnthonyC]

@lumpmoose

Williams-Sonoma is a nice place as long as you keep your wits about you on pricing

Agreed. Six years ago I bought myself a bunch of All-Clad, Lodge, Le Creuset and Wusthof at the William Sonoma outlet on clearance. I expect that will last me for the next 50 years or so in terms of pots and pans and knives. Although, anything non-stick is strictly buy-it-on-clearance-at-Marshalls since I’ll have to replace it in a couple of years anyway. And I haven’t bought anything else at Williams Sonoma since.