High-heeled shoes for your baby

Originally published at: http://boingboing.net/2017/03/30/high-heeled-shoes-for-your-bab.html


Finally my baby has something appropriate to wear while on a United Airlines buddy pass.


Can you wear these with jean diapers or is that tacky?


Cue people explaining how this is not sexist.


Not only is it sexist, it is fucking creepy as hell.


“How can high heels be sexist when COWBOYS wear them??”


Or the sun king?



This is not sexist. It’s a good thing ™.

You see, those kind of shoes are really, really bad for you once you start walking.

Best to get it out of your system before you are upright!


I am just trying to imagine the process in which these ‘shoes’ came to be…

The idea
The pitch
The contract
The manufacturing
The marketing
The sales

The horror
The horror


You forgot the bong rips.


Just what a growing toddler needs when you don’t give a fuck up a cat’s ass for proper foot development.


This is so perverse it actually made me laugh. Out of shock, I assume.


Are you kidding? Baby feet are very pliable. You gotta start that shit right away.


Then there’s what ballet dancing can do to the tootsies:

And this photo is one of the least disgusting.


I have seen these in the wild. Twice at the same local playground.

Once, they were accompanied by an actual parent, not a nanny/bodyguard, clad in 3 different faux animal prints whose eyes never once diverted away from the latest smartphone screen. What I saw to be a hat was stuffed in a bag with large, repetitious and absolutely understated designer marks. I thought the lower garment to be yoga pants, but in conversation I learned two things. I would likely never find a preschool for my daughter, as I hadn’t found one before birth, and that the leggings were neither leggings nor were they a faux animal print. I was wrong and corrected, and I still feel the sting of my ignorance.

The now quote clad “leggings” were for a sport, so elite and singular that there were just two studios in the world that practiced the art and sold garments that were suitable for the exercise-a-meditation tradition found within the sacred studios. What I thought to be spots on the “leggings”, stripes on the top, and something on a hat that looked like living mange with text added for emphasis on a hat, turned out to be the actual skin markings from the designers, complete with gold printing and designer embodiments- less the mange like head covering stuffed in a bag.

The hat, that I thought was from some mange riddled animal, was not just from a mange riddled animal, but was, in fact, a living and breathing animal. What I had mistaken to be strap of a ball cap was a collar. The animal did suffer from mange, albeit designer mange unique to animals kept in bags. (It’s believed that several small breeds of dogs will eventually, over time change, and not be born with legs to facilitate being stored and carried in bags!) The text on the animal was hand embroidered, and is the peak of underground haute couture. The text simply read, “I am not an animal, I am an object!”

Our conversation ended abruptly, as it turned out that I was never really talking with the person, or at least I don’t think I was. I didn’t see that the parent wasn’t just staring at their phone, but was engaged talking with somebody else. The parent stuffed picked up their kid, dropped them in an SUV sized pram and disappeared into the day like a spoonbill does before bird watchers can get a photo.

I just wish I could have learned where to buy the size 3 diaper thongs that divided her child’s bottom cheeks so well.


If your business is sexualizing infants; maybe protective services should pay you a visit.


Well I think it’s just great. The little larvae can’t walk yet anyway, why not put them in really bizarre shoes? I say stillettoes, or really big pimpin’ platforms!

I think it was Fran Lebowitz who dressed her baby in black and freaked out the Upper West Side. "Is that a… baby?"


I’m gonna assume that’s sarcasm?


Yee gods, I know dancers are hard on their feet, but one would think they would be MORE prone to taking care of their nails etc.

See, I don’t think many (most?) people see it as that at all. For the record, I find it horribly tacky. But I imagine - and I have a stereotype in my mind of what this person looks like… someone who either watches or is on certain reality shows - that some people think it’s “cute”. It isn’t like these are pedophiles dressing a baby up to be sexy. Most likely it is the mothers, and I doubt that is their goal. I think it is akin to anything else where something “adult” is put on a baby for fun. Like a mustache, or pacifier with horrible teeth.

Before this, a young girl might try on moms heels and lead to comically stomping around. Maybe even in a dress or jewelry. I’ve even seen greeting cards like that. At the same time, there is the other end of the spectrum with some of the pageant costumes out there. I guess what I am saying is there is a difference between (tacky) fun and creepy, and I am not sure shoes alone makes it that. (I dunno, the fancy baby photos we had taken, she was fairy with wings.)

Yeah… that’s sorta the image I had.

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