I suppose we’re all just makin’ it up… crazy bitches that we are.
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To be fair, I do believe that he did acknowledge that his perspective must be insular, because he does realize that it is a common occurrence outside of his personal experience.
And as someone else up-thread so wisely opined, it’s easy not to realize you have huge blind-spots when you are the favored ‘majority.’
In many cases, it’s like the people who are color blind but are not aware that they are, until someone else points it out.
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I’m just sick of being told it doesn’t exist and people using the excuse of “they don’t see it” to wave it away. Just sick of it. When people talk about their experiences in this world, it kind of blows that there are people who say “well I don’t see it” first thing. Apparently, none of this matters until we get it in triplicate, authenticated, and notarized (presumable by a dude). whenever someone says “they don’t see it” it usually means they are not taking something seriously.
He doesn’t see it… fine. That doesn’t mean it’s not a real problem.
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Oh, I’m right there with ya, sista.
I tell people that ‘isms’ (sexism, racism, ageism etc) are like carbon monoxide; just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there… and it doesn’t make it any less poisonous.
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Well, that’s the problem right… the “isms” only effect certain groups of people… hence the notion of privilege. And some people need to be able to “verify” that these things exist in some concrete way, instead of relying on the people that these issues impact, because our word isn’t good enough?
When a POC says that racism exists and it impacts their life, I actually believe them… because as someone who is white, I realize that they might know something about being a POC that I don’t. That’s true with just about anything. I don’t assume I understand what it is to… I don’t know, be a doctor since I’m not a doctor. People don’t walk around pontificating that the experiences of doctors aren’t real, because others might not see what they see daily. But you start talking about the “isms” and all of a sudden, it’s all “Well, I don’t see it… so it’s not real or at least overblown” not acknowledging that they might not be able to see it when it’s there…
I think I’m rambling now. It’s been a surreal week.
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I know those feels MindySan; all those feels.
As a person of color, thank you; sincerely.
Funny you should choose that analogy; I think you’ll enjoy this, if you haven’t already seen it before…
You’ve got a lot on your plate; it’s easy to get caught up in the maelstrom…
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Mindy, Mel, what can I say–in a quiet, humble way, your back is gotten. The world is better with your voices in them.
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You’re welcome. But honestly, it’s not that hard… I don’t think it’s that hard, is it? How can my stupid brain have figured it out, and so much of the rest of the world hasn’t… And I love that lady… if I were on twitter, I’d totes follow!
You’re super sweet and kind… but much of the rest of the world doesn’t agree. They don’t want to hear what we have to say, I’m afraid, because they think it implicates them personally. It’s frustrating. I’m frustrated.
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Thank you, Japh.
I strive to recognize the actual Good Guys* who do exist out there in the world, and you are definitely one of them.
*cue the Chuckie puns any time, I know you want to…
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Yep… @japhroaig is awesome-sauce, no doubt.
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Check the edit.
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Oh, if you only knew!
Seriously, don’t let nobody’s rain fuck with your parade.
I know it’s a struggle and we all get weary sometimes; but remember you’re an inspiration to others and that you’re not alone in striving to overcome…
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Yes. It is horribly frustrating. What can be done by froods like me is to be good and kind, and mostly don’t let shit slide. Unfortunately I let shit slide even five days ago. So I’m no poster child for feminism.
But damnit, I listen and learn. And I hope the men that read this do as well.
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Yeah. Male pattern blindness is also a helluva drug.
And I’ll chime in about @japhroaig , with the addition that what I think makes him and others like him special and helpful is that while they’ve learned to hear and see women better than most men do, they also know and acknowledge that they’re still learning, and that they still slip up sometimes.
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To be fair, none of us are. We’re all human and we all make mistakes. I think what matters, at the end of the day, is that people make an effort and learn from their mistakes. I don’t think people should always be perfect paragons of righteousness at all times. I think the problem is when people aren’t willing to admit that they aren’t those paragons of righteous perfection. We’re all human and that’s kind of the whole point, really. That we are all human and just be held to similar standards and given the same latitude for mistakes. And that when we (inevitable) fuck up, we can say “okay, I fucked up…” and give a real apology on that.
I do think you learn and you are willing to listen, which is a great step forward from some people.
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It is a sad state of affairs that Do Unto Others is so rare. And guess what happens when you treat people as equals and respect–they do the same 
Mindy, you are an exceptional person (at least to me ) and I got your back in my own peculiar way.
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This raises an interesting question for me: How do you listen to women? Part of the problem is that men don’t often notice these ingrained and systemic behaviors. Even if you get them to agree these behaviors exist and are a problem, they don’t always see them and don’t always notice they’re engaged in it. Just as an example, my mind wanders easily when people talk to me. It’s nothing personal, my own thoughts are usually running over the conversation. How do I notice when I’m paying less attention to a woman if the behavior is defined by being distracted, for instance?
I feel like this is the big stumbling block for men not hearing women: They literally don’t notice they’re missing something. This “amplification” strategy works really well to counter that. But internal strategies for people trying to do better suffer from intrinsic issues.
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Some strategies I attempt to use in all conversations–cause my mind wanders than a goat in Goat Simulator–is to say the other persons name several times, and listen for things that we agree on. When you make a connection and find common ground (as opposed to every conversation being some kind of power dynamic) it becomes easier to stay engaged.
To be fair I often fail my own strategies, and usually call everyone Jeff or Chuck.
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OMG! So much this… not just for men and women talking, but any people talking. A conversation is just that, between more than one person. Too many people treat discussions like they are one way monologues instead of two way dialogues.
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