How to cook a turkey

Not that this Brit does Thanksgiving (nor christmas nowadays), but my mother solved the cardboard-christmas-turkey issue in the 80s:

Cook two chickens instead.

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In this year’s Thanksgiving episode of the rebooted Good Eats, Brown makes the case for splitting up the turkey and letting each cut shine in it’s own recipe.

Thighs: turkey tikka masala
Drumsticks: smoked (renfaire style)
Breasts: turkey roulade (aka turchetta) (this would be the one to serve at Thanksgiving diner)

I agree. This year, I made lasagna.

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For 20 years I’ve been arguing for Duck, Eel and assorted other sea foods. As that’s not only what they ate at the early thanksgivings, but seasonally and regionally appropriate. I grew up 30 miles across the water from Plymouth. This shit is a New England holiday, I wanna have New England foods. We did have clam chowder this year as the first course but that’s as close as I’ve gotten.

I have been voted down each time I bring up “historical” thanksgiving. Closest I got was by pointing to how our local Italians just had lasagna, and wistfully talking about how my Greek friends would roast a sheep. Pasta was a no go. But whole roasted sheep was close.

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Yeah, I’ve been looking at that Turchetta for a couple of years now. I just moved and my last kitchen was so tiny that butchering a turkey in it was a huge pain in the ass. Now that I have a reasonable size kitchen I’m going to have to try it. WalMart usually has pretty cheap turkey breasts all year round and I have been buying them occasionally because sous vide turkey breast is cheaper then buying deli turkey and I can season it however I want (St. Louis shoutout, Red Hot Riplets turkey breast!) Going to have to step up my game and try the Turchetta.

The turkey ramen recipe I make is also a Serious Eats recipe

If your butchering the bird in advance, this is a great way to use the carcass. The recipe is pretty foolproof too. You can pretty easily riff off the ingredients depending on what you have and still have a really tasty bowl of ramen. I’ve used “traditionally seasoned” thanksgiving turkey before and it’s been fine, but separating out one bag of dark meat and using soy and ginger is really good. The ramen has become our special second meal every Thanksgiving.

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I’ve cooked wild turkey, with Wild Turkey…
… it was not the best thing ever.

Turkey kinda’ is teh sux.

Kinda’

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Goose, capon, duck…

Oven bags. Really. My wife introduced me to these and we’ve never looked back.

Turkey is done a little more quickly, but you still get a nice brown skin and we’ve never had a dry one.

Now… Kiwi’s like my wife apparently like stuffing with exotic things like apricots in it, which I find too sweet. My British parents like Paxo, basically sage and onion flavoured styrofoam packing peanuts.

The resulting arguments are, I maintain, a consequence of Gödel’s incompleteness theorem applied to Thanksgiving. :smile:

Which was last month, by the way… :thinking:

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We used a pair of pie pumpkins, just because I didn’t plan far enough ahead and that’s what I could get. I don’t know the exact variety, but let me tell you- it had some of the absolute toughest outer skin I’ve ever seen on a pumpkin. Cutting the lids was an absolute nightmare. They were on the smaller side, and even after cooking, the skin was so stiff it held its shape. Instead of slicing the pumpkin, as recommended in the video, I just scooped out the guts.

The pumpkin came out like incredibly savory mashed potatoes. With a little butter, the fennel I used really “popped”.

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What a bunch of horseshit. My culinary career doesn’t span 40 years, but it only took me a fraction of that to figure out how to cook a fucking turkey. If you think turkey tastes like cardboard, it’s because you don’t know how to cook. Period. Brine it, then deep-fry or spatchcock it. Butter for crispy skin, season it properly, and you’re good. Maybe it’s because, like any civilized person, I prefer the dark meat, which is much easier to keep from drying out, but still. Not sure how this video is supposed to be interesting or amusing in any way.

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