Originally published at: https://boingboing.net/2020/11/26/aunt-marie-puts-the-turkey-in-the-oven.html
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Dear America: please stay the fuck home
Sincerely, Canada
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I am! Can’t control the rest of my country men. I wish they’d stay home, too, believe me. 
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One downside of so many people staying home for Thanksgiving is that fire departments are bracing for cooking mishaps by an unprecedented number of first-time cooks. Still better than spreading Covid though.
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I dig this video. Pay attention to wine and it will go just fine.
Apple sausage stuffing with sage is recommended. If you really want to see that cute firefighter ASAP just flambe the cranberry sauce with brandy “accelerant” the Fire Marshall calls it on that form. Flaming marshmallows impart a lovely campfire feel for the holiday, again brandy. Flaming gravy is more challenging and requires further research.
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I think we use turkey today because it feeds a lot of people for cheap and looks impressive on the table. Otherwise, its the least tasty of fowl.
Why subject yourself to dryness on purpose? We’re having grilled butterflied leg of lamb.
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You have clearly never tried a heritage breed like the Narraganset Bronze or a Bourbon Red.
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I’ve done it perfect once and haven’t been able to repeat that. Big Steel Keg, managed to hold the temp around 225 or just above for 7+ hours. Very minimal interference, as holding the temp and moisture was more important than basting. With convection the interior of the bbq was both smokey and ( 
the BBS doesn’t like the adjective of “moisture”). That was a long day but OMG. There was no dryness. It was a pretty large bird.
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It was a very common meat in the colonial period, particularly in New England and Eastern Canada where American (and Canadian) Thanksgiving originates. It wasn’t the default meal, duck was more common, and venison was also popular. Eels too! But because it’s a BIG impressive roast and relatively cheap it quickly got associated with major holiday meals in the US, Canada and UK.
When the holiday stopped being just a North East regionalism post civil war, turkey was associated with the holiday in some parts of the country. But as an example in the South ham was (and to some extent still is) the go to meat. It’s 20th century packaging of the holiday with it’s positive spin on colonialism, Pilgrims and Indians that centered turkey. Which happened around the time that modern mass production breeds were being developed. Which are the shitty turkeys we’re familiar with.
And that summarizes the argument I have with my family every year about why we should have something else.
We get our birds from a local farm, he raises standard broad breasted whites but from a supplier in PA breeding an older version of the breed. Sort of like pre-70’s hybrid hogs, which are a lot better than current hybrid hogs. They get ample outdoor time and mixed feed, all that.
It’s a better turkey but it’s not like it’s a revelation. It’s still a bland meat prone to dryness. Just less so.
We ordered from a different farm this year, who pasture raise a heritage breed bird. I’ll report back if it’s any good. Their chicken is legitimately awesome, but it’s still just god damn chicken. There’s diminishing returns on this sort of shit.
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yessiree! that’s what Jefe is servin’ - baked ham with pomegranate and spice brown sugar glaze.
Mum hates turkeybird as much as I do, so down here in the way, way South, we do ‘holiday ham’
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I took over cooking the turkey in a hail mary attempt to produce something I like. Never managed to convince the family to do something else.
Almost sold a historic Thanksgiving with ham, duck, venison and seafood this year.
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I grew up with mom’s Turkey Enchiladas, which consumed many of the leftovers, I still make a similar recipe, and usually use chicken because it’s more readily available. It’s better when I make it with turkey.
Maybe this cook makes extraordinary things with chicken, and I should feel immensely stressed out because my eccentric preference for turkey over chicken reflects not an innate quality of the poultry, but merely years and years of cooking chicken day in and day out to an abysmally low standard. What have I been doing in the kitchen? What have I been doing with my life? Maybe I should drink some of that shitty wine that only tastes “good” because my intoxication has confused my brain.
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Wine has made every Thanksgiving I’ve lived through palatable to wonderful! I know my relatives could not have survived holidays with me sans wine. (Pinot Grigio and Malbec, yes)
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Slow smoked a turkey breast (on bone) to about core temp ~160F over about 4 hours.
Turkey was brined in spices, salt, and apple juice for two days prior.
It actually ended up edible. Slightly sweet, smoky (with pink ring), and ■■■■■. Not anywhere near as good as a wild turkey (had that once from a friend), but pretty darn tasty if I do say so myself.
edited to add (goddamn filter): M0ist, Mo1st, m01st!
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Smoked turkey can be way better than chicken. Just don’t be shy about “cheating” and go for an injection of herbed butter in the breast meat. Moist, tender, flavorful. Even an oven-roasted turkey can be flavorful. Brine it overnight, put sage and butter under the skin, etc. I don’t get the attitude people have against turkey.
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Hmmm… I wonder if stuffing the bird with eels is The Way? A Turduckeel perhaps. This assumes eels would cook properly (SWAG:most likely yes) and eels are actually good. I’ve never had 'em, since I’m open-the-sluices-at-both-ends-style shellfish allergic and avoid most ocean creatures that aren’t fish.
I might be am high. Legally. I intend to visit this tomorrow and review my thoughts. But I welcome your thoughts, high or not.
That got me thinking: I’m gong to propose switching one of Thanksgiving (Canukian, but our fall festival meal is similar to USians’) or Xmas to something beefy. Like a top quality tenderloin done as a Beef Wellington.
My tradition (white, omnivore, old-adjacent CIS male who had to look up what CIS meant two years ago…) has been:
Xmas = Turkey
Thanksgiving=Turkey Easter = Ham
May Two-Four=BBQ
Putting a beef dish at Thanksgiving would break the current turkey domination in the latter half of the year.
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Eels are fish.
I’m not generally a fan, they’re the wrong kind of oily. Like Bluefish. Often strongly fishy, and especially when they aren’t super fresh so they’re best acquired live. Though they can be very good grilled or smoked if handled right. Smaller tends to taste better.
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Anything like mackerel from the northeast corner of North America?
Cool! So most likely not vomit educing. Here’s the problem… when I get the purge due to shellfish (last was shrimp, which I learned are “standard” in an egg roll served in Alberta ~20 years ago; that would be “special” here), it lasts ~36-48 hours and is very unpleasant. Like I’m pretty sure I vomited my anus a few times. It must grow back…
That instance was also terrifying. I was in Edmonton, AB, finished work early, had a red-eye back to Toronto at midnight-ish. Order delivery to my room; always get an egg roll. It’s my Chinese food desert. Eat, shower, grab a nap.
The purge starts at 9pm while I was talking to my wife while prepping to bug out of the hotel. Felt the first wave coming, put the phone down, made it to the loo just in time. My poor wife had no idea what was going on as I dealt with this initial, largest, wave. A good five minute before it’s safe to leave the bathroom and tell her what happened.
I adjusted my flight 24 hours later. No way, no how, could I get on a plane that night. Had a small fight with our accountant over the flight change fee. After explaining why, he relented.
So I approach anything from the sea with great suspicion. It’s more a mind thing. Which is bad, 'cause I like clams, lobster, shrimp, etc. Yet I still get a lurch when I smell seafood.
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