I found a locked safe hidden at the back of a closet in my new house


The prior owner of the house dropped by last week and marveled at the fact we had gotten the safe out of the wall and wheeled it into a useful location. He says he “thinks” it’s empty, but that it also has another chamber in it that was locked.

I don’t know if this is a thing with old safes (all I could find on google is people welding their mini gun safes into larger safes) – that seems almost too funny to be true. I also vaguely remember him saying he’d never personally seen in the safe when we were looking at the house last year.




It looks like the end is nigh for this thread. Maybe.

What will i do with myself?


I know what @othermichael is planning to do:

He’d better start building that time machine so he can start sending these messages back to us.


a good start


It’s just not the same if i can’t casually throw shade at Rob ]:


good point. what about a new crowdfunding campaign to buy @beschizza another closed safe?


Naw, that’ll just be repetitive.

Buy it for Mark, or Cory, or Xeni.


Nah. We hire a locksmith to break into his house while he’s out and lock his fucking safe again.

Stretch goal: put all the toothbrushes, the phone chargers and the can opener in there too.


Wait…so he had already opened it, and then closed it again? How did he open it? Why didn’t he open it for you?

So many questions!


It’s so obvious now. How could we have missed it? Gentle mutants, we have been stumbling down the wrong path. @beschizza has been trying to teach us an important lesson for months, and we were too caught up in worldly obsessions to hear it.

Consider the safe: its mysterious introduction into our collective awareness, the endless obstacles and delays placed in the way of discovering its truths, and now the hint that behind the veil is another veil.

The safe is a metaphor. The safe is life, and life is the safe, yet life is not safe. We cannot know its end. To travel hopefully, Rob is telling us, is better than to arrive.

Did Miley get it all along?

There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose.

Gentle mutants, the safe cannot be unlocked by worldly wealth, nor are the contents material. We must look inward for the combination. We must focus the burning lance of our subconscious on the question: what do we want from the safe?.

Find a comfortable, quiet place. Close your eyes Take a deep cleansing breath. Imagine your mind as a closed safe. The safe is full of the desires that control your life: the desire for money and fame, for food and drink, for sex, for knowledge of the contents of the safe. Only by opening the door of your mind, and emptying it of desire, can you be free. That is the lesson of the safe. The door will open when you are ready for it to open.

Until then, gentle mutants, be mindful.

“Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.”


It’s not unusual. The (circa 2001) fire safe permanently concreted into one of the old stone walls in my basement has an exterior combination lock, a key, and a locked drawer inside with another key. So you need two keys and a combination to get to my useless old expired passports. (Or an oxygen lance to incinerate them, fire safe be damned.)

Of course the keys are never easily found, and the combination is impossible to remember, so it’s a bad comedy show whenever we need to open it… the interior lock is pretty cheesy, though, as I recall. I could probably pick it easily enough.


It’s locked safes all the way down. Forever.




What’s the value if the doubloons are cursed? I have no interest in uncursed doubloons.

The leading theory seems to be that the safe is full of unfathomable evil. You’d be setting back the cause of evil decades.

Welcome to most bars and restaurants on Long Island. Nightly.

Is lying to protect all those cursed doubloons.


I doubt the new Wu-Tang album is that bad.


I just hope Rob found the right lock smith


We’re halfway home already! $201 of $400 raised!