I found a portafile covered by a blanket under my sofa


#1

Cleaning the house we’ve lived in for the last 50 years, I found to my delight a mysterious portafile covered by a blanket under my sofa. I’ve asked a few people how to get into it, and the consensus is either to use powerful microphones to smash open the lock (apparently stethoscopes don’t really cut it) or to see if the blanket has been weakened by time and can be removed by force without damaging the door or the mechanisms.

Before I get cracking, though, what do you think? I asked my wife, but doesn’t don’t know, and thinks I’m an idiot. She says it’s probably just empty, or full of Superman #1 comics or something. I don’t know what brand the blanket or the portafile are.

I know that it’s probably full of air, but you never know.


Mystery hole in Arizona quickly sealed up
#2

Maybe @beschizza has some ideas about how to open it.


#3

#4

Old boxes like that can have value to collectors, so don’t damage it. First of all, I’d call in a knowledgeable expert who can appraise it for a modest fee.

Then, I’d carefully mark the location of the box on the basement ceiling, and use a reciprocating saw or similar tool to cut around the box from below, dropping it into the basement where there is room to work on it. This avoids having to disturb the blanket, which may be harbouring spiders.

As far as opening it, I’ll have to get back to you.


#5


#6

How did the couch get there without you noticing this?


#7


#8


#9

Don’t try it! Old blankets like that were often lined with asbestos!


#10

So… after 50 years of not vacuuming under the couch, what the the dust bunnies evolved into?


#11

Doubloons—or Godzilla playing basketball. (Could go either way.)


#12

Be careful when opening the unknown.


#13

Electric Monks


#14

Can I ask what a portafile is and what’s the deal with the blanket?


#15

HA! Interesting coincidence. I happen to be a Certified PortaFile Recovery Agent. DM me with your details and we can discuss a contract to handle your…issue. DON’T touch the PortaFile and you should probably leave the blanket where it is, too.
In extreme cases, I know the name of a particular elf with a safe that we can use to crush the PortaFile if necessary. HE HASN’T OPENED IT YET OTHERWISE I WOULDN’T MENTION IT BUT SINCE IT’S NOT OPENED IT’S NOT WORTH TWO PINTS OF WELL-AGED DOGSHIT AND SHOULD PROBABLY BE DROPPED FROM A PRECIPITOUS HEIGHT AND IF POSSIBLE ONTO A TRUMP-OWNED PROPERTY. I mention this only at the possibility of an extreme case, mind.

I’m $300/hour and my requirements are particular but achievable with little effort.


#16

All my friends call on wrecksdart for their PortaFile recovery issues, and you should, too!


#17

#18

Someone who is really into ports. I can’t say I’m one myself, although I enjoyed my visit to Halifax.

(Not to be confused with Peter File)


#19

I’m liking this begrudgingly because I did smile when I read it, but boy, that was bad.


#20

They have their own category on Etsy.