Joined much later than you, because at the time it was the fastest and virtually unfiltered access to news I wanted. I had friends and relations in countries which underwent political turmoil, and even revolutions. Nothing could deliver the information from there as fast. I curated my TL, and in a year’s time I had about six hundred people following me, most of them actual people I would sometimes engage with. Then, #brexitvote happened. And my mood sank, a lot. Then, Trump.
On the 9th of November, I left twitter for four weeks to see if I a) could get over my addiction to communicate with a lot of personas I rather liked, and b) to see if four weeks was enough to calm my TL down about the manure hitting the windmill. Turns out yes, and no.
It’s fun to crack some craig in 140 chars as long as the ones you joke about are not actually taking over the world.
I re-activated my bb bbs account, and have been more active here since.
Currently, I am thinking of leaving.
While the mods do a great job, the world outside creeps. And while retreating to a life without the stimulus of being in contact with pseudonymous personas from far away places isn’t something appealing, I know I don’t make a difference by spending my time here. While I feel this echo chamber helps a lot of people, I am self-conscious enough to realise that I don’t change myself or the world writing here. I haven’t found a replacement in RL, but I’m working on it. My brain desperately needs input, and I need (vitally) to discuss my thoughts with people. However, I might need to re-focus on things where I have a stake, and at least some real influence.
I am not depressed. I know depression, and existential dread. I really do. This isn’t it. But I haven’t a good word for my outlook on the world and my personal life. I am being realistic about it, but when I truly tell people the thoughts in my heart of hearts, they think I am depressed. Which is rubbish. I detest the label of being “negative”, too. But, and I don’t say that lightly, even Germans who are traditionally painted as “worrywarts” are mostly not prepared to face realities. It’s totally weird how they worry about the wrong stuff most of the time.
When I announced I would go off twitter, and for which reasons, I got pm’d by some really worried people who sincerly and soberly asked me if I was suicidal. I am not. I read my Camus, I got really angry about it, but I keep pushing that stone.
There is no consolation but the fact that this universe, from the tiniest to the largest things in it, is fucking amazeballs. I can marvel at it. Starting with a flower unfolding, and a hoverfly buzzing about. I know the hoverfly larvae live in the mud, eat rotting stuff. I know the Aconitum is as poisonous as it gets in our native flora, and death by aconitine is really unpleasant. But this just adds to my pleasure observing it.
Knowledge is not bliss. Quite the opposite. But it sets things in a context. And this is how I don’t get depressed.
Only very sad and angry I have to cry every now and then, when I can’t emotionally cope with the world.