Key to surviving movie gunfight is to not be in a movie


Originally published at:


If you’re the protagonist, just watch for death flags. As long as you don’t trip those, your plot armor should protect you from anything. On the other hand, if you’re a mook, there’s pretty much no hope. Your boss might shoot you just to demonstrate how evil he is.


Ok, got it.


but I’m busy finishing up a nice piece about the shortcomings of Smurfs 3: The Lost Village as revolutionary praxis.

Oh man, nothing makes Smurf fans madder than than flogging that old horse…



my answer to #10 is I would shoot the lady in black, and try to escape with the box to take it apart later.


I don’t think it was a sequel to those godawful-looking live action movies. It was just Smurfs: The Lost Village.

It was still mediocre-to-annoying kid fare but no more so than the original cartoon.


My dad told me early in life - “You don’t dodge bullets. You might get lucky a couple of time.”

But eh, its all fantasy. Watching an awesome martial arts movie or the sword fight in say The Princess Bride isn’t anything like actual fighting or sword dueling. For that watch MMA, martial arts tournaments, and various sword sports out there.

ETA - survivability all boils down to the script.


This is probably the right opportunity to post my favorite movie quote:


For example, never say, “just one more week and I can retire from this rat-race.” Death will be swift and certain. Also, never say, “Let’s split up - we can cover more ground!”


And do not allow any blood to dribble out of your mouth.


Never show family pictures or say things like “When this is all over I’m going back to the farm to be with my wife and son” either. That for sure means you’re gonna die.


“Papa Smurf is a Communist” (Late 1990s or early 2000s) was one of my first favorite websites. (I can’t seem to find it now.) Smurf is an acronym for Socialist Men Under Red Father. It went to describe Azrael as the American Fat Cat in the pocket of Gargamel, the Jew trying to turn Smurfs into gold.

The Smurfs all share everything including the 1 lady of the village.

Good stuff.


Oh, the internets have been investigating the Smurf’s supposed communism since the heyday of Usenet.

Personally I think they’re a subliminal campaign advertising the benefits of psilocybin. I mean they live in magic mushrooms and Papa Smurf is a gardening chemist. You can’t tell me that’s a coincidence!


@Medievalist @Boundegar @AndrewTF Don’t die on me! Don’t you die on me, man!




But what about knife fights?


I drop that one on my Boss, he don’t likey.


Nosebleeds are just as deadly if poisoning is in the plot.

I’m kind of amazed that (as far as I know) there’s never been a Zucker style movie that’s pulled that line more literally during a sex scene.


Finally, a GIF that explains the NRA.