Just get a divorce and stop sh*tting on the person you are married to.
What if everything else works in said marriage?
Who are you to dictate standards for everybody else, including the edge cases?
This isn’t new. People have been doing this since the dawn of time. The internet makes it easier. People are willing to stay together even if something is lacking they can get somewhere else.
A friend of mine used to have a thing with this girl who would meet him for sex, then go home and tell her husband all about it in great detail while he masturbated.
I have a bunch of musician and biker friends and some of them have permission to do whatever they want on the road, as long as it doesn’t come home with them. In several cases, their partner has specifically requested not to know anything at all.
Everybody has their own thing. I prefer when they’re open and honest about it, but, whatever works for them.
It’s not about holding yourself to the “standards dictated for everyone else,” it’s about living up to the agreement you made with your spouse. If your marriage pact includes a promise that you won’t have sex with anyone else then you should honor that.
Plenty of marriages aren’t based on an agreement of sexual fidelity, and that’s fine too as long as both partners are on board. But it’s not cool for one member to unilaterally redefine the agreement without so much as informing the other.
That implies being able to get some within said marriage. Deny that, void that part of the contract.
Then the terms of said contract should be clear to both parties.
If you respect and honor your spouse, you should be honest enough to say “I love you, but I can’t do this relationship without sex. If you aren’t interested I’m going to have to find it elsewhere.”
“I made a spreadsheet”, I stopped there…
You assume the cheater is the crappy person…two sides to everything.
Doesn’t give you the right to lie to your partner in a monogamous relationship. Open it up, then.
Some persons are exactly as shallow and one dimensional as they appear to be.
A marriage where both people are being crappy to each other is still a good argument for “just get a divorce already.” Or work it out. Either way, not cool to continue behavior that disrespects your spouse.
I agree with that. If you have a spouse that doesn’t treat you the way you want to be treated…end the marriage. My point is merely the statement above was a one sided one wherein the cheating party is the craptastic person.
What about if there are kids? Is divorce always the answer? I like Dan Savage’s nuanced response the best: http://www.thestranger.com/blogs/slog/2015/07/20/22573934/gawker-outs-one-cheater-and-the-internet-condemns-gawkerhackers-expose-37-million-cheaters-and-the-internet-condemns-cheaters
"Take a woman who has two children with special needs, who has been out of the workforce for 15 years, and who is financially dependent on a husband who decided five years into their marriage that he was ‘done with sex’ but refuses to allow her to have sex with anyone else. The marriage is good otherwise, she and her husband have an affectionate, low-conflict relationship, their kids are happy and well cared for, but sexual deprivation is driving her out of her mind and threatening both her marriage and her children’s health and security. What would you advise this woman—whose letter, coincidentally enough, came in today’s pile of e-mail—to do? I would advise her to do what she needs to do to stay married and stay sane. (And until this morning I might have advised her to join Ashley Madison.)
“It’s easy to see cheating as a morality play with clearly identifiable victims and victimizers. But as Esther Perel says: ‘The victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage.’”
There’s a point here somewhere I gather.
Yeah, it isn’t cool. I agree that if you can no longer stand to be in a sexless marriage then it’s better, other things being equal, to explain that situation to your spouse.
But it isn’t as simple as a contract. When you live with someone, you are raising kids with them, you help each other with chronic illnesses, etc., you have to think about that ultimatum. If your spouse is going to say that sex outside of the marriage means divorce (and you’ve had counseling in the past about this exact issue) then going to your spouse and saying that you need sex outside the marriage means divorce. That has a whole slew of repercussions that are bad for both of you. Maybe you’ll both be happier with the don’t ask, don’t tell alternative.
Maybe that’s not a decision that one person should be making for another, but it’s also a decision that can’t be made in consultation, and a lot of married people expect their partner to make decisions for them about all kinds of things all the time.
Your spouse can gamble away your savings, they can drink themselves into oblivion and lose their job. I know a couple in which one partner went and bought a horse farm without consulting the other. That’s the kind of decision that you have to trust your partner to make (or to not make), and the consequences can be a lot worse than hurt feelings.
There are things I don’t tell my spouse because I figure they are better off not knowing. If I had ever had an affair, I’m not sure whether it would be one of those things are not. I don’t really know what it’s like to be in a situation where I feel like I can’t live with my current sex life and end up weighing my responsibility to be honest with my spouse against raising my children in harmony with their other parent. Honestly the latter just seems a lot more important to me, though.
What I’ve never understood is this impulse to tell other people what they should, or shouldn’t, be doing. In the case of homosexuality, people had to be convinced that it wasn’t morally wrong before laws were repealed. I would like to teach people to mind their own business on matters that are no concern of theirs. Then, we wouldn’t end up with laws regulating how people choose to spend their free time, or pursue their happiness. The concept of “vice” as a matter for government coercion needs to be done away with.
There’s always some excuse huh.
Oooooo what about money.
Oooooo what about the kids.
All excuses for bad behavior.
The ultimate problem isn’t the sex, it’s the dishonesty.
Look, your husband thinks you’re a freak for wanting to give a beej? You’ve got three basic choices if you don’t want to be a shitbag: 1) Don’t ever know what giving a blowjob is like, 2) Convince him to let you give someone else a blowjob, or 3) Dump his ass.
If you’re unwilling/unable to do #1, I’d suggest #2, with #3 as a fallback if he doesn’t let you do #2.
There may be some corner case where 3 isn’t viable (like, you’re financially dependent or something) that make cheating more…understandable. More like “tell him you’re going to give someone else a blowjob, if you can’t convince him that you should.” But usually there’s more ethical ways to get your kicks than sneaking around and being a massive asshole to someone who is supposed to be your committed partner.