New bulletproof SUV for suburban moms comes with pepper spray cannons and more

[CanadianBeaver]

IT COMES IN RED WHITE AND BLUE/s

[RickMycroft]

And then the neighbors get one of these:

[moortaktheundea]

Judging from the image it has garbage sightlines, which increases the real risk to the families, back over accidents, and would be bad for security.

[FSogol]

Is there a more oppressed group than suburban moms?

Does it contain a loudspeaker so the driver can ask to see the manager?

[Jesse13927]

I never thought that I would say these words, but…I think this might be a bit too tactical.

[catsidhe]

Bigmac wore large boots and camouflage trousers all the time. You could spot him a mile off by his camouflage trousers.

Only You Can Save Mankind, Terry Pratchett.

[anon3894935]

This is just a logical extension of the same thinking that created SUVs in the first place. The self-absorbed, paranoid urge to protect oneself and one’s family from phantom threats at all costs, with no regard for how it will affect others.

[anon48584343]

So, a Medellin commuter car.

[PsiPhiGrrrl]

@anon3894935

the same thinking that created SUVs in the first place. The self-absorbed, paranoid urge to protect oneself and one’s family from phantom threats at all costs, with no regard for how it will affect others.

Yup, for folks who thought that Canyonero was cool:

The Simpsons - Canyonero

[knoxblox]

@RickMycroft

The pepper spray cannons would be illegal in Canada. Hopefully they’d be turned back at the border.

@Grey_Devil

I think that the electrified door handles also seem like that might not be legal, and there’s always a risk that even if it were if someone had a heart attack or medical emergency because of the shock i would imagine that a lawsuit would soon follow.

I mean, Katko v. Briney (1971) is a good example of why you can’t have booby traps in your home, so how the hell should it be legal on your vehicle?

[anon76551318]

A couple of years ago I worked in Security for a well-known global entertainment semi-monopoly. The (then) former CEO’s personal SUV was parked in our lot. Once or twice when a vehicle went down one of our officers was assigned to drive the thing. It was an enormous black monster, a GMC if I remember right, with opaque-tinted bulletproof windows and armor up the wazoo. Looked like the vehicle the drug lord drives in movies.

What they didn’t tell us was that the armor made the damned thing so heavy that even at low speed you had to start braking half a block before a stop sign to bring the behemoth to a stop. Fortunately we were in a low-traffic area, because a couple of the lads learned on the job, lumbering helplessly through an intersection they’d intended to stop for.

[Ceran_Swicegood]

I make a guess that some of their customers pay in briefcases full of cash.

[jorny]

Rezvani Vengeance

Vengeance against what?

[tcg550]

A quick search says these are not marketed towards suburban moms.

There are plenty of profiles of the people that own them ranging from stupid rich celebrities to stupid rich rich people.

The key word is stupid.

[VeronicaConnor]

The first two paragraphs of this piece are some of the best writing I’ve seen on BB. Well done, @thomdunn .

@anon76551318

What they didn’t tell us was that the armor made the damned thing so heavy that even at low speed you had to start braking half a block before a stop sign to bring the behemoth to a stop.

It’s really disappointing (and scary) that whatever company did the conversion under-rated the brakes so badly. That would likely be illegal in most non-US jurisdictions. You can’t modify a vehicle in a way that degrades a basic safety function that badly. If it’s that heavy, there’s a point where it has to be converted to air brakes, with subsequent air brake certifications then required for anyone who drives it. Otherwise it’s only a matter of time before a sudden braking situation arises and they plow right through some innocent people with it.

[fuzzyfungus]

@VeronicaConnor

Otherwise it’s only a matter of time before a sudden braking situation arises and they plow right through some innocent people with it.

I suspect that the implicit thesis of the average black, up-armored SUV includes the position that there are no innocents outside the vehicle, just threats of varying priority.

[tcg550]

@VeronicaConnor

If it’s that heavy, there’s a point where it has to be converted to air brakes, with subsequent air brake certifications then required for anyone who drives it.

This isn’t necessarily true.

Class A RVs have air brakes and unless it weighs more than 26,000lbs no extra certification or endorsement is needed. The only states that require a CDL for an RV only require it for vehicles over 26,000lbs.

That’s more scary than these tanks.

Almost anyone can plop down a few hundred grand and drive one of those monsters off the lot with no prior experience.

I drive an RV so I learned about this stuff before buying. Same thing in the boating world, if you have the cash you can buy all sorts of potentially deadly watercraft with no training at all.

Freedum.

[Orangeton_Detective]

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a Rezvani Vengeance is a good guy with a Rezvani Vengeance. /s

[awesomerobot]

Seems like it would be safer to have one of your drivers ride this around as a decoy.

[lorcan_nagle]

I saw an ad for this thing and thought it was a joke, but apparently not!

To quote Jello Biafra from a Pitchshifter song… 23 years ago:

When Sport Utiliy Vehicles are no longer enough…you need the TERMINATOR.
Stuck in traffic in Lost Angeles? Drive over the tops of everybody else.
You’ll crush 'em before the Cops can catch up with you.
Your precious artifact child needs to be safe, they’re talking to a kid who’s skin is a different colour? Grab the kid and mow 'em down!