Overly/Insufficiently Imaginative Fictitious Business Names


Continuing the discussion from I found a locked safe hidden at the back of a closet in my new house:

We’ve all seen business names like that; ones obviously designed to vault a business to the top of alphabetical listings. But I always like to give special attention to those businesses whose names either wildly overpromise the fabulous experience you’ll have by patronizing them… or else just display the absolute minimum effort in choosing an evocative name that will stand out in the marketplace.

Around the corner from my house are two businesses that inhabit opposing ends of this spectrum (though they’re practically next door to each other). In the oh-my-god-this-business-can’t-be-as-exciting-as-it-sounds end, we have the Action Duct Cleaning Company:

And a couple doors north, filling out the “why bother coming up with an imaginative name” end of the ticket:

(I suppose I should mention that there are approximately zero people in my neighborhood who don’t read that as “The Party Party Supply.”)

I bet you guys have much better examples in your neighborhoods. Whaddaya got?


one of my favorites mentioned in the dialogue–


How about this company? :


reminds me of “the Sahara Desert”

just a weird combo out in Decatur:

one I saved from the internet:


Yeah, you know he’d better have registered that trademark!


Hair salons:

The Hairport (bonus if they’re near a landing strip)
Shear Indulgence
Mane Tamers



Yeah, somebody came up with the last clever hair salon name in 1972 or so.


So, a waxing salon?


Yesterday at work, I sent something to Ben Careless Plumbing & Gasfitting.

First, how is that even a surname?

And why the hell would you use it for your business?!


Oh! My Nappy Hair


In the town where I grew up, Broak Auto Glass and Smoky’s Window Tinting shared a building.

My spouse is convinced LabCorp is too generic-sounding to be an actual company.


Found another one across the street from the first two yesterday.

Far from being the Time-Travel Agent’s office or Alternate Universe Phase-Shifting Skunkworks I’d been hoping for, it turns out that Realities Phase II is a nail salon.


Wow…I do not want “realities” when visiting a spa…


Perhaps in Phase II Realities, things are much smoother/firmer/more supple and flattering.

I suppose that’s the implication.


Could be. Too much thinking for me…


Just wait until Phase IV…


I had fond memories of “The Stitch n Shoot” growing up.

It was not everyday you could get both your reloading supplies and your yarn, floss, etc. At the same place.


Sure, that’s what it says on the sign, but if you go into the last booth on the end, and ask for a specific combination of nail procedures, your chair sinks through the floor Get Smart style and you’re in the secret base.


My office used to rent plants from Rentokil Plant Rentals. I used to get a kick out of saying their name out loud


Not too many people spend too much brain-bandwidth thinking about humaneness and how it applies to plants, but I gotta imagine that The Rented Plant has about the worst life-expectancy (to say nothing of quality-of-life expectancy) of any denizens of the green hopefully-non-sentient lifeforms.

Imagine being that ficus in the corner of the clinic’s waiting room. No version of Obamacare will ever make sure you’re watered more than once a month. And you’re just lucky nobody decided to hang you in the Gents’. You’ll never see a ray of natural sunlight again, and the lease ensures you’ll be replaced just as your systems begin to fail.

And may the Leafy Goddess of Eden save you if you get rented out to a Hollywood film production. You’ll be yanked from your nourishing soil bed, stapled to a wooden framework to obscure the grip trucks parked behind you, and spray-painted green to immortalize your crucifixion on the altar of the Silver Screen.

Wow. Monday got dark awfully early this week.