The Onion's review of Fifty Shades Freed


Originally published at:


these movies suck. period. end of review.


If my film dollar is trapping even a single reviewer in an endless nightmare hell not even the best Marvel movie is going to coax me into a theater. Thanks, The Onion!


Can’t wait for The Flop House to get to this one.


Total barfarama! This series of films are down right disgusting and the stuff of prepubescent wet dreams.





As I understand it, this is a movie series that tells the story of a relationship between a billionaire and a naive young woman based on conspicuous consumption and an adolescent’s idea of kink and adult partnerships, with the lead characters portrayed by actors whose barely-concealed mutual loathing in real life destroys whatever on-screen chemistry is hoped for. I submit that this is the perfect movie series for our times, and that this reviewer is not the only American to suspect he’s died and gone to hell.


I suspect you’ve made it sound more interesting that it actually is.


There seems to be some consensus that E.L. James just googled, “Kink”. Which actually is unfair: she probably got it from watching porn. Googling it would have given her a better view of the topic.


So I guess he didn’t like it…



Also worth a read:


That was… wonderfully dark.

I’ll just leave this here


Yet the review was high art. Never mind the movies.


And yet I would go see the worst movie for just that reason.


That guy’s a good actor!

It all took too long, though. Who’s got five whole minutes for anything from The Onion?!


Kind of a darker take on the Mystery Science Theater 3000 premise.


I like how he resumes the review as normal following his mind-melting.


That was…something.

BRB, going to go watch every Onion film review I can dig up.


That was great! Dark. So Onion.

more like Fifty Shades of Nope


Look, I get it that the movie is bad. The filmmakers should stop doing this. I understand The Onion is trying to make a statement about moral vacuity here, truly I get it.

Making a joke of someone blowing their brains out while being live-streamed- yeah, that’s really not OK.